Narcissistic Manipulations
Author / Blogger / Survivor Kim Saeed writes of four manipulations that the narcissist uses when he thinks he is losing you. These are:
Love Bombing,
Crying (becoming the victim),
Hoovering, and
Suicidal Threats.
I'm covering Suicidal Threats on a separate page.
I've experienced all of the manipulations Kim describes, and if your husband is a Narcissist, chances are you have too.
I'm giving you some excerpts from Kim's website LetMeReach.com below. I urge you to visit this website and read her posts.
Wikipedia defines Love Bombing as an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. It’s a manipulative tactic used commonly by cult leaders and abusive predators in romantic or other intimate relationships. Its purpose is to override the target’s critical thinking skills so that the abuser can control and manipulate. It also appeals to the target’s vanity and insecurity.
Love is the most sought after human need. So, when a target receives an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance, it’s very hard to analyze the reasons ‘why’ for fear of losing what they’ve desperately been longing for. In due course, the target becomes blindly dependent on their abuser; all while being hammered into submission.
Lies the Love-Bombing Narcissist will tell you:
I can’t believe I’ve finally found you.
I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s company before.
No one understands me like you do.
You’re the most beautiful woman (or man) I’ve ever seen.
You have the most attractive __________ (eyes, hair, body shape, smile, dimples).
My Ex was a psycho, drug addict, alcoholic, schizoid, cheater, etc.
You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.
I think I love you. I think I want to marry you.
I never got married before because I haven’t found the right person yet.
We have so much in common.
He/she pressures you into becoming intimate in a short amount of time.
Love Bombing includes not only the above phrases, but also over-the-top gestures of attention. This plays out in the form of constant calls and text messages, gifts, flowers, invites to meet his family, requests to move in together, and splashing your social media sites with cutesy, flirty messages. Of course, these are all behaviors of people who are courting one another…but not after one date.
It’s important to note that these statements could very well be made by partners in a genuine relationship. However, there should be an element of balance. If you experience these phrases one on top of the other, especially right after meeting them, it’s overkill and should be a warning flag. A relationship with a Narcissist is based on deceit. The love and affection aren’t real, and they will never be. At least, not from their side. The only time you will witness these desired behaviors is when the Narcissist thinks you might leave. You’ll also discover that when you’re back under his control, he becomes his true self again…an abusive, lying cult leader with you as his devoted disciple.
Another way that the narcissist gets special attention is through the role of being an extreme victim. As kind and compassion-driven human beings, we are easily fooled by this form of extreme behavior (crying, faked regret). What we often do not see is that we are many times shamed by feelings we are not doing enough for them. All along it is easy to be manipulated as we respond from our hearts. The deception is that the narcissist can hide behind misfortune and victimization in order to shame you into feeling and believing that they suffer more than you do. They will say that you don’t care enough for them. They will make you feel that you have not done enough to help them. They want attention, control, gain, and power over others by positioning themselves as a “poor and helpless” victim. They do this; all the while soaking up the attention and control over others. In the eyes of an extreme narcissist, their situation is always right and totally justified. Instead of taking responsibility for self and consequences, the extreme narcissist tries to make others feel responsible for their plight. Because extreme narcissists are incredibly adept at the game of manipulation, they will always find a way to turn the tables on you. They will try to make you responsible and feel guilty for not helping them or taking their side.
Extreme narcissists often shift gears from acting that they are better than others, to the ultimate victim because they would have you believe they suffer more than you. Extreme narcissists hog the limelight, by milking an injury or a seeming misfortune that has occurred to them. Victimized extreme narcissists are on the constant prowl looking for any gullible soul that will believe their version of misfortune whether it is real, exaggerated, or fictitious. What they claim that makes their tragedy different is that it is worse for them than for you. Beware of this kind of extreme narcissism. It is just as selfish and manipulating as that of the self-important persona they’ve switched from. The moment they see that you don’t “fully” cooperate and act with extreme concern for them, serving and pampering them, they will eliminate you from their list of “loving” folks. They may even badmouth you and gossip or slander you as being selfish and uncaring. Imagine that! My recommendation is to avoid believing that this person’s misfortune is the ultimate suffering of all humans. Be polite. Recognize their pain and no more. Don’t be pulled into their web of emotional manipulation. Stay away from extreme narcissists.
Adapted in part from Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of the Ego
Hoovering is basically another tactic used by the Narcissist to re-claim control when you’ve tried to break away from the relationship. Contrary to what it may seem, the Narcissist has not had an epiphany, he hasn’t suddenly discovered his undying love for you, and he CAN imagine his life without you. These phrases are all cards in his deck of lies that he pulls out as needed. He knows you well and he knows exactly what to say and how to behave to pull you back in. Sadly, it’s all just an illusion.
Following are popular comments and tactics of the hoovering Narcissist:
Out of the blue, you receive an email or text message that he’s worried about you or the children. He’s just checking in to see how you are doing.
He heard about an accident on the interstate, and he just wants to make sure it wasn’t you.
You receive a message from him that he’s bought you a gift. One that you’re going to love. (As though nothing ever happened).
Receiving a message such as “Happy Anniversary” or “Happy Birthday” along with the sentiment that he misses you. (As if he ever cared about these special occasions before).
“Did u just drive by?”; “I saw your missed call”; “Where’s that email you sent me? You hacked into my computer”…you get the idea. What makes these comments ludicrous is that you probably didn’t do any of these things. He’s baiting you to suck you back in.
Having a friend or family member contact you, asking you to have some mercy because the Narc or someone in his family has had a medical emergency.
Suddenly having some urgent information they need to share with you.
“Coincidentally” appearing at your favorite hangout(s).
Love-Bombing you like when you first met.
Stop the Hoovering with No Contact
When it comes to being in a relationship with a Narcissist, it’s extremely difficult to leave, even when you know it’s dysfunctional. The reasons are:
Trauma-bonding
Victim peptides (physical chemical reaction to emotions)
Fear of abandonment
Systematic brainwashing by the Narcissist
Low vibrational frequencies on your part (if you believe in this)
Low self-esteem
Fear of being alone
Fear of not being good enough for someone else
The fact that when the Narcissist isn’t being nasty, he can be extremely charming
And the list goes on. In spite of these concepts, the bottom line is that if you really, truly want things to be different, it’s critical that you be the one to change by implementing No Contact and sticking to it. Why? Because the Narcissist doesn’t love you. He only wants you to think he loves you. He keeps you in the loop because 1) he wants to keep control over you, and 2) he knows he will screw things up with his other partner(s) and you’ve always been the reliable back-up.
Narcissistic Smear Campaigns
An important truth to realize is that while your Narcissist is hoovering and laying on the bull-hockey that he’s in love, he is still waging a vicious character attack a.k.a. smear campaign against you. He’s telling his side supply (or new supply, or both) that you’re a crazy, psycho lunatic. That way, if she catches the two of you together or communicating, he can blame it all on you.
Other people that he might bother to fool are your close family members so that there will be a small chance he can manipulate them into triangulating so he’ll have more influence in winning you over, again.
Narcissists Think: "Me vs. You"
While you are thinking “the two of us”, he is thinking “me vs. you”. And that’s the way it will always be with a Narcissist.
There will never be that “magical one time” when he finally changes. He won’t suddenly discover his profound love for you. You need to love yourself and make the break. Then, you need to work on all the reasons you kept the Narcissist in your life to begin with. That will lessen the potential for attracting another partner just like him.