Letter to His Girlfriend

To His Latest Girlfriend:

There is so much I would like to say, and I can't. I know you wouldn't believe me. I know you believe what he tells you. (I believed what he told me for 25 years, so I don't blame you.) I understand that friends, family members, and priests who know my husband have tried to tell you about him. I know that you believe he is your knight in shining armor. You believe he is "too good to be true." In that, you are right.

He probably told you that his wife dumped him while he was deployed in Afghanistan. That isn't what happened, and if you really think about it, his story doesn't make sense. How likely is it that a rigidly Catholic stay-at-home mom in midlife raising two special needs kids would decide that her high income husband was "unnecessary" and leave him, putting herself in economic jeopardy?

He deployed to Afghanistan when I discovered his double life, a life of porn, group sex, anonymous sex, and sadomasochism. The one time I looked at his phone records for a 3 month time period, I found 16 women who he appeared to be regularly communicating with. I called three of the numbers. One was a prostitute. The other two were women he met online. That was enough, and I stopped calling.

I'm out there on the internet. It's easy to look me up and see what kind of person I am. Have you looked him up on the internet? What have you found? Does it trouble you at all that he has very little public internet presence? What is he hiding? Do you wonder why some of his children barely speak to him?

I know it must be very nice for you right now, accompanying him to London and Germany on business trips. (You aren't the first to go on those trips, and you won't be the last.) He loves good food and good alcohol. I can understand why you would appreciate all the stuff that his money can buy. I hope you realize, he is buying you - specifically your sexual favors - and I hope you're okay with that. I wasn't comfortable with that, and I really hope you won't get hurt the way I got hurt.

If you're expecting monogamy or honesty from him, good luck with that. If you don't mind using a condom every time and getting regularly tested for STDs, then it's all good. Perhaps his fantasy world appeals to you, and you can share that with him. If so, you two are a perfect match.

If he's been pestering you for anal sex, spanks you, wants you to wear a butt plug, says you have "comforting flanks," and calls you "Mama," just know you aren't the only one.

You're an adult, and you can make your choices. I want you to know I'm not jealous. I'm not sorry I divorced him. I sleep well at night knowing that through our 3.5 year divorce battle, I treated him with fairness, while at the same time drawing strict boundaries and demanding that he keep them. In his eyes, that makes me a bitch. What I hope is that you will not have to relive the horror of what I lived: discovering his infidelities and lies, and then having him turn on you with narcissistic fury.

If that happens, know that you have a friend in me, and I will do anything to support you.

If you ever want to talk, I will answer your questions honestly.

Wishing you well,

Letter to his Wife,

There was a time when I had sympathy for you. I thought you were an innocent, another sheep being deceived by the wolf.

I was wrong.

You are complicit in his actions. You contribute to lies and false accusations. You have participated in the neglect of my disabled child. You have harmed my family, and my four adult children. Fortunately they recognize this and reject it.

You and the Narcissist pretend to be Christian, but you are both hypocrites.

I know that nothing I say will cause you to feel any sort of remorse for your actions. I know I can't stop your behaviors. But I can and will do my best to protect my disabled child from your negligence.

I pray that you get what you deserve.