0 Discovery (D-Day)

July 14, 2010: The Beginning

I knew it when I walked into the room, and he quickly shut a page on his computer screen. He looked guilty. Caught.

Later I got on his computer and took a look. The browser history had been cleared, but as soon as I started typing in the Google search, a whole bunch of recent searches popped up:

It was easy to pull up the last closed window to a photo of a naked prostitute.

We had just celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary. We had five children, two with special needs. We not only went to church every week but lived out the church’s teachings on birth control. (We didn't use any!) We went to confession! We prayed the rosary with our children! We had a terrific, fulfilling sex life! At least I thought we did!

Initially, when confronted, he would only acknowledge looking on the computer. But eventually, when prodded with questions that had obvious answers, he began to confess: Strip clubs going back at least 14 years. At first, he would admit to blow jobs, but not intercourse. His shaved privates and large cash withdrawals indicated there was more.

Discoveries would continue for months and years to come. I discovered that two of my brothers-in-law had been aware, and kept my husband's secret for more than eight years. I discovered evidence of my husband's Craig's List personals: and I learned that men there advertise for NSA (No Strings Attached) and DDF (Disease and Drug Free) sexual encounters, often posting a graphic photo of their private parts. After my teenage son alerted me, I discovered all the downloaded video porn on his computer: Anal sex, lesbian sex, gang bang sex. Years later, I discovered my husband's old AdultFriendFinder profile which he left on the internet the day I caught him, but neglected to delete.

The news was devastating - the first time and EACH TIME that I made a new discovery, I was completely unhinged. I would cry the hardest I've ever cried. I would cry until I could cry no more. I couldn't think straight. Everything would spin. I fell asleep crying. I woke up crying. I would cry randomly while driving, while shopping. What was happening couldn't possibly be REAL, and sometimes I was certain it was a bad dream from which I would soon wake. Sometimes this feeling of being outside of reality was even comical.

Each new discovery would take me back to tears, horror, fear, and later, rage.

Sure, it was sexual betrayal. But it was also the end of life as I knew it. Everything I thought was true and sure was not. How to proceed? What is best for the kids? What is best for me? What is best for him? Who to talk to? Who NOT to talk to? Where to go for help?

Grief Begins Today

With discovery begins grief. Your marriage, as you knew it, is over, whether or not you decide to divorce. The prior relationship of trust is broken forever.

You will grieve for this loss. It's like a death.

You will hurt for this betrayal, and the dozens or hundreds you will discover in time. You will be hurt to the core.

Grief is a process you will have to walk through. It will take years, not days or months. Even if you're an over-achiever and the most positive person in the world, your walk through grief is a process. Like labor, you cannot control it. You surrender to the process. You consciously try to relax. You breathe.

The good news is, you WILL get through this.

Lessons

The lessons I learned from living through this:

Whatever you first discover, please know that there is more. Much, much more. If you want a "full disclosure" (which may or may not be honest), you must demand it.

You would like to find a swift solution. It doesn't exist.

Don't think your husband is just a "little bit" sex addicted. Don't think he's "not as bad" as some of the other guys out there.

If he says to you, in all sincerity, "I am sorry," don't assume that means he will stop "acting out."

If he says to you, "I'm not just sorry, I know I was WRONG," don't think that means he will stop blaming you. Those are just words he read in his Sexaholics book and thinks if he says them, it will repair everything. His expectation is that you MUST forgive him. Forgiveness to him means wiping the slate clean, trusting him completely, and forgetting that this ever happened. Don't assume he is ready to accept the repercussions of his behavior.

Your husband has spent years cultivating his ability to manipulate and deceive. This is his protection from the damage he probably received in childhood in his family of origin or from a sexual predator in his past. Do not try to avoid the fact that this man is a brilliant liar. Accept it, and begin to deal with it.

Continue on to Denial