Disclosure is one of the recommended steps in recovery for a couple. In Disclosure, the Sex Addict makes a full inventory of his sexual acting out, and then shares it with his partner.
Through Disclosure:
The Addict takes full responsibility for his actions and is held accountable.
The Addict shows his commitment to his recovery and to rebuilding trust in the relationship.
The traumatized wife does not have to repeated suffer the shock of new revelations that are uncovered later.
Some programs will recommend setting up accountability and monitoring for the SA with another SA or other family member. It is important that if the SA wants the marriage to continue, the Accountability is to the WIFE. Read this article on Spousal Accountability by Dr. Doug Weiss
I agree with what Sharon O'Hara writes on her website, that it should ultimately be up to the wife (not the Addict) how much is disclosed:
... it is very interesting that until recently, nobody asked the partners what it was that they wanted. Since the 12-Step book writers were predominantly male and the partners predominantly female, whatever the addiction, it turns out that the men were deciding what was best for their female partners without actually consulting them. Dr. Jennifer Schneider surveyed 82 couples in various stages of sexual recovery in 1998. She discovered that the partners of sex addicts overwhelmingly wanted:
to be themselves in charge of how much was going to be disclosed, and
to have their feelings of violation and distrust validated by both the Addict and any therapist they might be seeing as a couple.
As a result of this research, Dr. Schneider strongly recommends that disclosure be "guided by the spouse’s desire to know," rather than by the addict’s desire to minimize. She went on to note that, although 60 percent of the partners threatened to leave upon the first disclosure of infidelity, 76 percent of those who threatened to leave never did so or even separated temporarily.
Excerpt from PsychCentral.com:
The Disclosure process is a structured confession wherein the addict takes full responsibility for everything that he or she has done in the way of acting out sexually. The addict can then be accountable face-to-face with his or her partner. It is also an opportunity for the sex addict to demonstrate genuine remorse and transparency — two crucial components if the relationship is to continue — and for trust to be reestablished.
Typically, the addict will prepare for Disclosure by writing a letter or an outline. In conjunction with a therapist’s presence, this provides a structure, so that getting off track is less likely to occur.
During this process, it is important for the addict to demonstrate empathy for the experience his or her partner is having, and being willing to listen to how the addict’s partner has been affected by the behavior can be very validating for a partner. It is also important to remain authentic.
Often when a partner discovers the sex addict’s behavior, the partner struggles with an intense feeling of emotional betrayal. The partner may experience shock, confusion, anger, and feelings of hopelessness and humiliation. Their world is forever changed in an instant, and they experience the symptoms of trauma. Living with an addict who engages in behaviors such as lying, discounting his or her partner’s intuitions and observations, and who may even display verbally abusive behaviors is traumatic for a sex addict’s partner.
Staggered Disclosure: More Damaging that one full Disclosure
Often after the initial discovery, the addict engages in what is called ‘Staggered Disclosure.’ Staggered disclosure is a term coined by Dr. Jennifer Schneider and Dr. Deborah Corley. It usually occurs after a partner has made an initial discovery of the sexual betrayal, and the sex addict makes an attempt at damage control by disclosing a small portion of the acting-out behaviors.
A "staggered disclosure" can have a very damaging effect on the addict’s partner. By partially revealing information incrementally about the sexual acting out behaviors, the partner loses their already damaged ability to trust both their own intuition and feelings, and it results in great difficulty restoring trust in the sex addict and in rebuilding the relationship. While a staggered disclosure does much to further decrease trust within a relationship, a complete, well thought-out and structured disclosure can have the opposite effect.
[Webmaster's Note: I personally went through the trauma of Staggered Disclosure over a three year period of time. I wish my husband had done a Full Disclosure with a professional. He didn't want to. I should have made it an absolute condition of staying together.]
When to Schedule Disclosure
There is no set time the Disclosure should happen, but generally, 90 days after both partner and sex addict make an earnest commitment to individual recovery and therapy is a good time to schedule a Disclosure.
Interestingly, AA Founder Bill Wilson actually wrote Disclosure into the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-Step Program. It's called "making amends."
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
This particular way of looking at Disclosure gives the Addict a "way out." So if the Disclosure would injure the partner (which of course, it always does) then truth shouldn't be disclosed. Bill W. – who was also a smoker and a Sex Addict with a mistress – advocated not telling the wife about sexual misconduct. I suspect that was mostly about protecting himself.
In some programs, the Disclosure includes a polygraph test.
Some clinicians require sex addiction clients to pre-purchase a lie detector test that can be redeemed at any time by their spouse. That accountability becomes a deterrent to acting out. It takes away the possibility of secrecy, of getting away with it. The choice to not act out or the will to say no, becomes stronger. Such is the power of accountability.
http://waterfallconcept.org/finding-accountability/
I personally think the polygraph is a great idea. After all the lies, how else can an injured partner be assured that the addict is actually being truthful?
What Partners Of Sex Addicts Resource Center (POSARC) has to say about polygraphs
Polygraph testing is now catching on as a tool in the Sex Addiction Recovery community and quite a few rehab and healing centers for sex addiction make these tests mandatory for the SAC beginning treatment. Their past behaviors suddenly can get very "real" to them once they know they must admit everything to the polygrapher, or risk failing the test.
In fact, some folks are saying that the polygraph should be a regularly used tool, not just a once-and-done. Read this article from a recovering sex addict in Salon who writes:
... as part of my recovery, as part of my new marriage agreement, I have to take that test once a year. It is the tool that makes me accountable and it uncovers everything. There’s no gray area in the polygraph test. Before taking it, I inventory all the things I’ve done in the past year that might be considered slips, or might prove to lead to a slip if it isn’t brought to light—like the hour I spent on the Internet, clicking from one pornographic image to the next. Left unchecked, this could lead to a full-on Internet addiction. Or the time I went for a legitimate massage, then waited around hoping the masseuse would do something about my erection. Now my massages must be supervised.
I’ve known guys who have failed the test. Me, I’ve passed every one—because I’ve told my wife everything that needed to be told before taking it. The test confirms that I’m living up to my end of the deal.
The truth is, and you can test me on this, the polygraph saved my marriage. I’m indebted to it. It has made it so that lying is not an option. The last polygraph examiner we used was impressed with what we were doing. He said the test has only recently been recommended by marriage counselors for use in bringing relationships back from the brink. We’ve been doing it for years.
If your sexually addicted spouse isn't willing to do a full Disclosure and isn't willing to do a polygraph, I think that would be a fair indication of his level of commitment to recovery and to your marriage.