Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
While you may initially try to salvage your marriage, at some point you may come to the conclusion that this is impossible. There is a website called DatingASociopath.com which has excellent articles you should read if you are divorcing a sex addict with a personality disorder.
Cluster B Personality Disorders include Narcissism, Borderline, Anti-Social (Sociopath) and Histrionic. What you may find is that these overlap, and your spouse displays elements of some or all of them.
I wish I had read this article before starting my divorce process.
I made so many mistakes:
I assumed he would be sorry.
I assumed he would be reasonable.
I assumed he would have the best interests of the children in mind.
If I had to do it over again, I'd start by telling him that I didn't really want a divorce, but in order to rekindle our relationship, we needed to go through the motions of getting a divorce, and then start dating again. Perhaps then he would have cooperated with negotiations!
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-do-instead
Forget Co-Parenting with a Narcissist. Do This Instead.
How to establish parenting rules and peace of mind, despite a toxic ex.
Posted Feb 06, 2015
Things I found myself saying in sessions this week:
“It sounds like there’s no middle ground, and this causes you to alternate between feeling hopeless, and thinking that if you just increase the volume and intensity of your communication, your ex will respond favorably.”
“Whenever we lose a relationship—no matter how dysfunctional—there’s a sense of mourning. We grieve the lost hopes and dreams, and the future we’ll never have with this person. When you’re in the thick of the grieving process, it seems as if you will always feel despondent, even though you know on a rational level that you won’t.”
“Parenting is the toughest job in the world. However, single parenting doesn’t have to be as hard as you think. Sometimes there’s a sense of relief that comes from relying on yourself, and from not trying to control your children's rules when they’re not in your physical custody.”
These interactions offer a snapshot of therapy with heartbroken, devastated, and disillusioned single parents, following divorce from a narcissist. Though the stories are different, the theme is always the same:
The concept of co-parenting with a narcissist does not exist.
There is very little research about narcissistic parenting, narcissistic family dynamics, or the effects that this disorder has on children. Complicating matters is the fact that adult children who do seek therapy do not typically identify growing up in a narcissistic household as the presenting problem.
The following strategies can help you redefine your parenting plan, and learn to adjust to solo parenting so you and your children thrive.
9 Strategies for Overcoming Parental Narcissism
1. Minimize contact. High-conflict people love to engage in psychological battle. The hidden agenda is to keep you entrenched in the relationship, even years after the ink has dried on the divorce decree. I have seen few dynamics more toxic than exposing a child to constant below-the-belt blows and mental warfare.
2. Establish firm boundaries around home, school, and community rules. Structure in all settings can provide children with a safe, predictable, and secure buffer from insidious psychological damage. The emotional roller coaster a narcissistic parent perpetrates can be even more detrimental to a child’s healthy ego-development than overt abuse.
3. Avoid feeling sorry for your child. Nobody deserves to grow up with a selfish, self-absorbed adult, but there are worse plights. Showing pity for others only perpetuates a victim mentality, and prohibits them from moving forward and seeking healthy relationships of their own.
4. Vow to be calm, pleasant, and non-emotional. This is a Herculean task if ever there was one, but if your ex is gaining emotional intensity and threatening to take you along for the ride, someone’s got to consider the impact on the kids. Deep breathing, meditation, mindfulness and support groups can do wonders for your physical and mental well-being.
5. Limit the amount of telephone or texting your child has with your ex while in your custody, and vice versa. Barring emergencies, the best-case scenario is no contact at all. Unless you suspect that your ex is not adequately caring for your child, it’s best to stay out of their house. Conversely, allowing your child to contact you about something your ex is doing, or not doing, is to invite triangulation. The upside for the child of asserting himself or herself in the presence of an unwieldy parent is to learn valuable coping skills for dealing with difficult personalities down the road.
6. Teach and model social/emotional intelligence. Point out positive examples of single-family households, where appropriate. At some point, a child grows up and is capable of more abstract observation. Better he or she learns about proper emotional regulation and healthy coping skills from you. I’m a fan of age-appropriate, straight-shooting communication, especially when the narcissism runs extreme.
7. Nurture your child’s unique qualities and independence. Somewhere between infancy and adolescence, the narcissistic parent loses focus (if they ever had it) and stops seeing the child as a distinct individual with feelings and needs they must validate and meet. The child becomes, instead, an extension of the parent. The parent sees normal emotional growth as selfish or deficient, and this is what they mirror to the child. For the child to get approval he or she must meet a spoken or unspoken need of the parent; approval is contingent on the child meeting the parent system’s needs (Donaldson-Pressman, & Pressman, 1994, p. 30).
8. Do not criticize your ex in front of your child. Narcissistic behavior is abominable, no doubt, but children are not equipped to deal with the psychological weight, no matter how "mature" you feel they may be. Complicating matters is that many narcissists stay off the radar, and are model citizens to the rest of society: They pay their bills on time, garden every Saturday, attend church on Sundays, and are actively involved in the PTA.
9. Banish the term ‘co-parenting’ from your vernacular. I have the utmost respect for adults who bravely endeavor family therapy following divorce from a narcissist. The work is hard and intense, and insight and pain relief are often long in coming. During those especially trying hours when I’m pulling out all the therapeutic stops, I sometimes find myself saying something like the following in a session:
“You described your situation like a nightmare from which you may never awake. I get that your pain is overwhelming and all-consuming. I’m going to ask you to suspend disbelief for a moment, and consider something: Once you’ve worked through the grief and the trauma, when you understand what drew you to this person in the first place, after you’ve made improvements to your self-esteem, and internalized that no matter what you do, you can never reason with this person—then you and your children will come out the other side. Trust me. I’ve been there.”
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Forget Co-Parenting With a Narcissist, Round 2
Your home, your rules: Thriving in spite of a high-conflict divorce
Posted May 22, 2017
"Help! My narcissistic ex is making my life unbearable. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless some days. How can I be a good parent when I'm so stressed out? The court didn't help, I've spent thousands on attorney fees, and I feel like nobody understands how manipulative my ex is. Can you help me?"
This is a type of email email I get far too often. The shame, stigma, and isolation surrounding high-conflict divorce can make co-parenting a nightmare. I have witnessed the contentious struggles and trauma of overwhelmed now-single parents whose lives are upended following divorce. Although you bear the pain of seeing your kids less and having your life dictated by a court order, there is hope for moving forward and defining your Plan B.
Many of you are here by way of my earlier post, “Forget Co-Parenting With a Narcissist. Do This Instead,” which has over 1 million views.
Why is this topic relevant? Because the stigma around high-conflict divorce is real, and the effects are toxic:
“Narcissistic pathology in the context of divorce manifests as a parent’s pervasive preoccupation with his own inner states and personal identity to the exclusion of the other parent and of his own children.” (Michael Friedman, 2004)
In addition to the collateral damage to minors, there’s the misconception that both adults are equally responsible for the contrary behavior. Sometimes, one party unilaterally drives the conflict. Take the classic schoolyard-bullying scenario: The bully repeatedly targets the victim, who finally stands up for him/herself. Because a fight ensues, both are equally blamed and punished.
Not to put all the blame the family court system, but judges, attorneys, mediators, and custody evaluators could benefit from internalizing this message: Co-parenting with a narcissist does not exist. My advice to co-parents is to raise your children in your home and do not meddle with your ex (suspected abuse excepted). As a psychotherapist specializing in co-parenting post-high-conflict divorce, I assure you, you are not alone. “Forget Co-Parenting…” is read 700-plus times daily. That’s a lot of stressed-out, single parents.
Filed under: Can’t make this up.
Let's pause and share a laugh; after all, humor acts as a buffer against tragedy. When you marry two volatile topics like co-parenting and narcissism, you best expect colorful commentary — weekly emails, social media DMs, blog comments, and “that one guy” situation I’m about to reference. While the majority of the correspondence is genuine, others use the platform to denigrate their ex, or tantrum.
Case in point: I'm utterly engrossed in re-watching Breaking Bad on Netflix one Saturday night when my mobile phone rings at 9:30 p.m. My heart skips a beat, because Walter White is about to blow his cover—again! After regaining my composure, I hear this message:
“Hi, Linda. I’m calling about your narcissism article on Psychology Today that my fiancé sent me. I want to talk because I don’t see myself in the article, and I’d like you to clear up some things. Please contact me, ASAP. I’m expecting your call.”
To the fiancé who passed along the article, I hope you passed on marrying that guy. Because he is not reading this article; narcissists do not see themselves as needing to change. But you, the non-narcissist, can change.
Here are 5 additional tips for establishing peace of mind, despite a toxic ex:
1. Get your narcissistic co-parent out of your mind/home/mobile devices/conversations.
Follow the court order, but never hit "reply" unless necessary. While incessant email, texts, and letters from opposing counsel feel like the vicious, unnecessary attacks that they are, you don’t have to respond to everything. Also, leave the details out of your other relationships. Friends, family and coworkers are not qualified to provide adequate support and understanding. That’s what therapy is for. And you can emotionally vomit all over us. Just kidding; but choose a clinician who is qualified to treat high-conflict divorce and co-parenting.
2. Regulate your emotions to retain your sanity.
Mindfulness-based practices habituate you to pay attention to what you pay attention to. Intentionally slowing your mind helps you respond differently when hijacked by stress and fear.
Scheduling your replies to co-parenting correspondence also helps mitigate surprise attacks. Choose a time, day, and time limit for answering such communications each week. Boundaries are key. And yes, I know: Narcissists retaliate when limits are imposed. Still, it takes two to tango. Drama is draining; remove yourself, and s/he has no audience. Remember, the government doesn’t actually want to be involved in making decisions about your parenting practices.
3. Look at the big picture.
A hallmark of emotional maturity is weathering life’s storms. Yours may be a Category-5 hurricane, but there is an endpoint. Don’t focus on the breakdowns, but the breakthroughs. High-conflict divorce is a mean teacher, but the lessons are invaluable.
4. Find your safe place.
Anxious adults raise anxious kids. Do what you need to maintain that sacred space around your mental health. Think meditation, yoga, or church. (Jack and Coke may work, too, but you don’t need “substance abuser” added to the dirty laundry list of your ex's false allegations).
5. Fight for your kids (with two caveats):
First, define a worthwhile battle. Is $2,500 a judicious expenditure for filing a motion to choose your kid’s orthodontist? Probably not. Save your energy for the second caveat…
Be warm when emotions are hot. Alienation is real. Refusing contact with a parent creates substantial distress. The solution is warmth:
“For both fathers and mothers, warmth served as a protective factor against having a child refuse contact. Conversely, violence was a risk factor for having a child refuse contact. The implication of these findings is that a parent may be counseled to improve their own parenting style when a child is refusing contact, rather than focusing so much on the behaviors of the other parent.” (Scott C. Huff, 2015).
A Herculean fight, no doubt, but children only have one shot at childhood. Speaking of which, my heart breaks whenever adult clients of divorce cry, "I wish s/he would’ve fought for me. When I said I didn’t want to live with him/her, I didn’t mean it." The truth is that no matter how surly, indifferent, poised, or mature they may appear, kids are not equipped with the life experience to understand the consequences of their actions. But you are.
If 50/50, primary custody, or another timeshare is not included in the court order, make the most of your time together. Kids can thrive with the unconditional love of one stable parent. Eventually, they grow up and develop insight regarding narcissistic abuse:
"(Moné and Biringen, 2006) found relationships between alienating behaviors and current relationships with parents in college students. Notably, they found consistent evidence for a 'backfire effect,' wherein a parent's badmouthing of the other parent in years past was a negative predictor of their current relationship." (Michael Friedman, 2004)
Lastly, and because you’ve likely encountered your fair share of listicles: Make memories, laugh, and create positive experiences. Your children will be adults soon enough. Long after the ink has dried on your divorce decree and your kids have flown the coop, this era will be written as one chapter (or 18) ... but not your whole life story.
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—For additional support in navigating the challenges of co-parenting, Linda Esposito, LCSW, offers Co-parenting Consultation. Click here for more information.
—For details of the online course, "Co-Parenting Without Chaos," go to: wiredforhappy.com
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July 6, 2013
Co-parenting with a male Sociopath – Surviving divorce and separation when children are involved!!
It can be difficult enough coming out of the relationship with the sociopath. Your mind is left in a fog after gaslighting, manipulation and abuse. You are heartbroken to see that everything you had invested, and put into the relationship was neither valued, or appreciated by the sociopath.
The charming person that you met, that appeared to be the ‘love of your life’ has either had enough of the responsibility of parenting and has left for a less responsible life, or you have had enough and asked your sociopathic partner to leave.
Whatever the outcome, ending the relationship, which you think is going to end the problems, is often just the beginning of what can feel like an absolute nightmare.
How do sociopaths view their children?
You might think that as sociopaths do not ‘love’ in the traditional sense, then they will think nothing of their children, so why won’t they go quietly? The truth is that the sociopath, just as they view their partners, well even more than they view their partners, see their children, as something that they own their possession, something that is theirs, as much theirs as their arms or legs. The sociopath can feel great attachment to their children. But almost always this is for their own narcissistic supply to meet their own needs, as they are unable to put the needs of anyone before themselves. They also cannot place the needs of the child in front of their own.
This means that the sociopath will likely use the child to control you. You might read recommendations on posts that say, NO contact!!! And think, but I can’t? I have a child. How can I have no contact? This is impossible. You might feel despair and feel trapped. knowing that the sociopath can now use your child as a weapon to manipulate and control you.
Common sociopath tricks to continue to control the ex partner – other parent
Tell you that you are wicked, or cruel or a bad parent, if you do not allow him/her to see their child. That you are not acting in the best interests of the child (even if you are)
Not being reliable on visitation, making arrangements and then at the last minute, either not showing up at all, or letting the child down
Failure to make maintenance payments, or being unreliable with payments. Using maintenance to manipulate and control you
Constantly changing the goal posts, chopping and changing their mind, leaving you the other parent, upset, and not wanting to let your child down, or see your child hurt
Using the excuse to talk about the child, to keep in contact with you, and to then use information gained from you, to manipulate and control you
Telling you that you are a bad parent and threatening to take your children away from you (Sociopaths enjoy playing the legal game and having lawyers to fight against you) they will use the legal process to fight you, and make your life hell, just – because they can!!
Belittling you, or your parenting skills either to the child, or in front of your child
What to do and how to cope
Remember that to the sociopath, life, is just a game. Others in their lives are players in the game. You will see on a lot of other posts, that I say establish No contact, and stop playing the game. This is the only way to win.
However, if you have a child with a sociopath, you will know that it is not that easy. So, what can you do?
It is important that you do not allow the sociopath to take control of the situation. Also to stop playing the game with the sociopath. Unless you wish to go around in circles, with your head spinning and your child constantly being let down by the sociopath, it is recommended to seek legal guidance for
Maintenance (how much and when it should be paid)
Visitation rights – (when, for how long, what days, what happens if the sociopath lets the child down? – does visitation need to be in a contact centre?)
Before you get to a court you need to be aware that being in a court situation, is something that the sociopath very much enjoys. They love to play the game, to have the attention, to use legal professionals against you, and to control you.
You need to do the following to make your own life easier
Make all arrangements and agreements for your child formal through court - Be FORMAL.
Keep records of all contact with the sociopath. Telephone contact, email, texting – BE FORMAL (you might later need this as evidence as likely the sociopath will lie).
The sociopath rules by exploiting your emotions to control you. Do NOT display emotion. Even if you are seething, do not show any emotion at all. See this as BUSINESS. Be PROFESSIONAL (this might sound odd, but with the sociopath it is essential).
Do NOT discuss your own private information at any time – keep all communication ONLY about the child. Refuse to discuss your private information. Refuse to speak to the sociopath at all, UNLESS it is about the child. It is likely that the sociopath will use the excuse of the child to make contact with you, so that they can manipulate and control you. Refuse to play this game, instead keep all communication only about the child. Everything else is none of the sociopaths business.
Do not put the sociopath down in front of your child. No matter how awful the sociopath is as a parent, it is still the childs parent. Encourage open and honest communication from your child about their visits.
Remember that you still have a right to your own life.
Stick to No Contact rules, do not look at their social networking sites, as this can cause you further pain. The only contact that you need to have with the sociopath is as follows
To discuss the needs of the child (it is likely that the sociopath will exploit this, but if you fail to discuss the needs of the child with the sociopath, they will use this against you in court.
Arrangements of maintenance payments. Do not get tied up about this. Expect to get nothing from the sociopath, unless it has been agreed by a formal arrangement (court usually, but sometimes in other countries, I am in UK, this can be through Child Support Agency) – with the sociopath, it is usually better to have the agreement in writing through a court of law.
Visitation access. YOU tell the sociopath when they can see the child (the sociopath fits in around you) it is important not to give them control or they will exploit this, and use this to manipulate you. Try to protect your child, do not make a big deal about their parent coming if you know that parent is unreliable.
These are the only reasons that you need to speak to the sociopath. Make it clear to the sociopath that your relationship is over. That contact will only be for the needs of the child. If the sociopath fails to make a visitation without good reason, do not re-schedule. Have regular set days which are convenient for you. if he/she misses contact, then make them wait until next time they have a contact day. Do not swap your plans around to fit in with the sociopath, or you will be controlled by the sociopath again.
Remember
Use law to support you.
Never display emotion.
ONLY discuss needs of the child, never your own private life.
Keep records of everything.
Do not play the Sociopath's game.
Be formal have strict timetables and do not be flexible for the sociopath as they WILL abuse this.
Do not talk down about the sociopath parent in front of the child.
Focus on you, and your child. Always put the needs of your child first, whilst paying attention to their safety and welfare – have a timetable and keep control.
How to help your children when their other parent is a narcissist
It is so sad to watch your children being emotionally manipulated by their narcissistic parent. It is a complicated situation and difficult to know how to respond. How can you help your children when they are being co-raised by you and this type of parent? Here are some suggestions on how to navigate this difficult situation:
Honesty – Give your children the gift of honesty. Talk frankly with your children about the reality of their lives, respectfully and matter-of-factly. Do not play the game of “Let’s pretend everything’s normal.” Do not contribute to your children’s sense of cognitive dissonance by discounting the fact that the “emperor has no clothes.”
Education – Teach your children about manipulation and emotional abuse. Try to keep it as age-appropriate as possible. This can be tricky, but you know your kids and what they can handle and understand? Keep it simple and keep it real. Teach them how to not get sucked in to the drama.
Role Modeling – Be a good role model. Show your children how to stay out of the narcissist’s web of destruction by maintaining your own composure and sanity. Exhibit self-compassion and empathy. Show them how to “observe, don’t absorb” when in the presence of the narcissist. Demonstrate confidence and strength.
Managing Anger – Since your children already have one angry parent – even if he or she is covertly angry, make sure you don’t carry grudges, express your own anger appropriately, and keep short accounts. Learn how to take deep breaths and walk away when you feel triggered to express your anger in a damaging way. You can learn to have self-control with your own anger.
Reflection – Let your children know, “I see you.” Reflect back to your children truth about their feelings. Let them know you really see their pain and their struggles. Look your children in the eyes and be with them. Connect and attune with their hearts.
Grieve Together – It is heartbreaking to realize that you have a parent who only sees you as an object and who can never truly be with or see you for the valuable and precious human being you are. As the other parent, who knows only too well what this feels like, you can offer a place of comfort for your children.
Validation – When people spend any length of time with a narcissist, their reality, their feelings, and their intuition is constantly invalidated. Let your children know that what they feel and experience is really happening.
Safety – Your children need at least one safe parent, after all they go through emotionally having a narcissistic parent, the gas-lighting, emotional abuse, double standards, invalidation, etc., they need a parent who can offer solace, warmth, stability, and flexibility.
How to Love – Since narcissists do not know how to either give or receive love, they teach their children that love is a commodity, based on performance, and must be earned. Narcissists view others as objects or resources, rather than as having intrinsic value based on the interpersonal relationship. They do not know how to care about others or offer any type of compassion that is not self-serving. As the non-narcissistic parent, you must teach your children what love is.
Self-Care – Take care of yourself by relaxing, reading, maintaining close friendships, enjoying life, forgiving others and finding humor. Build your life around healthy activities and communities.
At the risk of sounding alarmist, I must warn that narcissistic parents are damaging to children. It is advised that time spent with any narcissist be limited because it engenders confusion, dissociation, brain-washing, desensitization to abuse, emotional dysregulation, and destruction to one’s sense of reality. It also contaminates a child’s developing inner-working model for how relationships operate. Take any steps you can to minimize the damage caused to your children by an emotionally injurious parent.
