My Recovery Journey

Recovery is a process that will take years. This journey is different than grief. When I began my process, I found few resources to show me the trajectory of recovery from this kind of trauma.

Possible outcomes of your Recovery Journey:

• • You may rebuild trust and save your marriage.

  • You may lose trust but save your marriage.

  • You may lose trust and your marriage.

  • You may rebuild trust but lose your marriage.

It's hard to say initially where the journey will take you, because at first you see through a haze. Things become clearer with time.

I read somewhere that recovery would take about four years. Including my divorce, my recovery took five years.

Below is a timeline of my recovery journey. It's long ... but it gives you an idea. This is no easy process.

1st month: Shock. I really couldn't believe it. Everything took on a dreamlike quality: surely this was a dream and not real. Surely this was a nightmare and I would wake up from it.

While I cried a good bit, I didn't cry as much as I would later. Sometimes I would be very logical and stoic, would laugh with irony, then would find myself with tears oozing from my eyes randomly during the day. This began my year of "spinning," when I couldn't stop thinking about the whole situation and had trouble concentrating on anything else.

Within the first month, I did online searches for information on infidelity, and happened upon information about sexual addiction. I saw my OB/gyn for STD testing. I sought couples and individual counseling. As hurt as I was, I went into Forgiving and Fix It mode, gathering information and coming up with a plan to save the marriage.

As I look back now, I noticed in him behaviors that I now recognize as personality disorder:

• • When confronted with evidence, he would lie at every opportunity to minimize his addiction,

  • He resisted recovery programs, and did only what was necessary to satisfy me, and

  • In subtle ways, he began to shift blame to me.

The blame shifting is important to note. Watch for it! I know now, after much reading, that this was a Red Flag of the personality disorder.

In the first month, he attended a couple of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings at my urging, read some literature on sexual addiction, and indicated he would think about going to counseling. Mostly he acted depressed and hinted at suicide, and I felt sympathy for him.

An interesting story from this time: During my pre-appointment intake on a visit to my OB/gyn, the nurses asked me some question having to do with whether I was a victim of sexual violence. It dawned on me that I WAS. I answered: "If you consider just discovering that my husband of 24 years has been fucking prostitutes as sexual violence, then I guess I am." I can remember their shocked faces, and how quickly they responded to give me the support that would continue for years afterward.

I think back on this moment and realize how important it was. This was the expression of trauma. Even in my shock and denial, a part of me recognized (with prompting) that what I was experiencing was a form of sexual abuse. I think we, the spouses, need to recognize this trauma for what it is.

2nd month: More information was coming out. His brother told me he had discovered my husband on the internet with prostitutes nearly 10 years earlier. I was angry and let him know. My husband started going to Sexaholics Anonymous meetings once a week and attended counseling a couple of times a month.

Although my husband cooperated by going to counseling, he quickly and desperately found a way to get out of it: by finding an opportunity to deploy that would take him out of the country for a year, delaying any treatment for his addiction.

I was primarily working on my own reactions, trying to remain positive. I was certain we could fix this problem and get our marriage back on track. I was feeding myself a constant dialogue of positive thinking. I did not indicate to the children that anything was wrong, but occasionally I would begin to cry, and retreat to my bedroom.

5th month: Just prior to promotion and deployment, my husband came home drunk. This after he had made a commitment not to drink any more as a condition of my staying in the marriage. I was flabbergasted, and told him the marriage was over. He went to counseling, where the counselor discussed with him his self-destructive behaviors.

With him moping around depressed, I eventually told him that during the deployment he could work his "12 Steps" and we could try to work on the marriage as well.

I did insist at this point that he tell the children that we were having marital difficulty related to his "addictions" and this was why mommy was crying all the time.

6th month: He left for a one year deployment. My thoughts were spinning so wildly, I can't even remember much about that time. This was the beginning of my life as a single parent.

To try to get a handle on my spinning thoughts, I graduated from running to "distance running." Running helped immensely. It helped me feel good about myself, and helped me sort through my grief. During this period, even with running, I went to bed crying and woke up crying. I cried periodically during the day.

Housework and yard work were left undone. It was all I could do to manage the children's activities and run to keep from crying too much.

I continued with psychotherapy approximately twice a month with a wonderful therapist. I was fortunate that this was at no cost to me because of military status.

7th month: Major deceit was uncovered when one of my children referenced the "porn on daddy's laptop." The laptop (which had not gone to Afghanistan) did indeed contain large amounts of downloaded free porn videos, which had not been disclosed to me. The laptop also revealed use of online dating sites.

I was livid with anger. This began the shift from spinning thoughts of saving the marriage to thoughts of divorce. I wrote an email to my husband indicating what I had found and that I was not interested in working on the marriage any more.

I went through "anger therapy" which helped me recognize my anger and release it.

8th month: I decided to run in a marathon with some old friends. We started an online blog to support one another. This friendship and camaraderie was essential to my healing process. The marathon gave me a tangible goal to work toward, forced me to eat better and sleep more.

9th month: I contacted a friend and we started a divorce support group that ended up being three of us and later four. We all got the book "Rebuilding" and worked through it chapter by chapter. In the next five months this took us from depression and helplessness to strength and hope.

12th month: At the end of the first year, I was in a relatively good place emotionally, feeling like I had gone through my grief process, planning to file for divorce when I was able, and ready to negotiate an amicable separation and divorce. For some stupid reason, I actually thought he would cooperate with this.

I am sorry I didn't do a better job of taking advantage during the year my husband was deployed. It was a gift. Sadly, I was working hard just to get through grief. It would have been a good time to prepare for divorce. I wish I had understood that his disordered personality was going to be difficult to deal with, and I wish I had prepared adequately for that. The reality is, though, that it was hard just to keep my head above water during this time. It took everything I had simply to stay afloat as waves of grief hit me over and over.

2nd year: With my expressing to my husband my desire for a separation at the end of his deployment, he went batshit crazy. His mood swings were unreal. I started getting crazy emails from Afghanistan where "God" was speaking to him. He made financial threats, as well as threats to take "full custody" of the children and have me kicked out of the house.

I entered a new phase of stress. I feared he would try to harm me, and I began to carry Mace with me on the advice of my attorney.

I ran in my marathon with my girlfriends, and we all finished. At least there was that triumph!

18 months: In the middle of the 2nd year, he returned from Afghanistan, and attended a 3-day intensive for sexual addictions at Pine Grove. I hoped this would help. In reality, I found out that days after the intensive ended, he had already signed up on Match.com and started dating, one of the very things that his sexual addictions program required him NOT to do.

I furnished a nearby townhouse apartment he had rented with all his things, so that he would feel comfortable upon his return. He alternately expressed gratitude and resentment. I did not allow him back into the family home, much to his annoyance. I did allow him to have the kids as often as he pleased.

I filed for divorce. We embarked on couples counseling - not for our marriage but for an amicable divorce. That didn't go over well. His behavior in counseling was erratic. He eventually accused both counselors of inappropriate behavior or violating HIPAA privacy laws.

He told family members that he wanted to reconcile with me, and that he would "win" me back. One day, thinking that honesty might win me over, he admitted in counseling that he had been sleeping with women in Afghanistan and since his return.

He separated our finances. I paid all the household and child expenses, including the mortgage. He agreed to give me "voluntary" support payments. He told me he wasn't concerned about money and would take care of me. Then he turned around and threatened he had no obligation to support children over the age of 18 (we had one heading off to college) and that that he would give me the least financial support required by law.

Since he was already having relationships with other women, I told him I intended to start dating. (And I did.) He accused me of planning to run off with a local millionaire who wanted to marry me.

He purchased a gun, and around the same time "accidentally" sent my oldest children an email indicating he thought I would try to kill him. (I was finally beginning to recognize that the things he accused me of were usually what he himself was thinking.)

3rd year: When I presented him with a draft of a parenting agreement and a draft of a settlement agreement, he was outraged. He called these "insulting" and thereafter consistently complained that I was "all about the money." He refused to modify these drafts and return them to me.

He indicated he was very involved with a local SA group. He claimed to be a sponsor and he claimed to have been made not only group treasurer but also area treasurer.

A year after I filed for divorce, it was clear he was unwilling to negotiate. I amended my filing to indicate Fault (infidelity). I also requested involvement of the Divorce Master in my county. The DM is supposed to arbitrate when the parties cannot come to an agreement.

Toward the end of the 3rd year, he moved to Washington, DC, area, where I already knew most of his hook-ups with prostitutes had occurred during business trips. Shortly after this, a family member alerted me to his online activities. I discovered his past and present AdultFriendFinder profiles. I was horrified to find he had fully relapsed into his sexual addiction. It was a huge concern because of his high-profile job and security clearance. Also, he was giving out detailed information about our children to women he was "flirting with" online.

I was concerned both about what my children might be exposed to and the possibility that he might lose his high-income job. I became obsessed with researching his online activities. I desperately wanted his military command to get involved and force him to get a psych evaluation and put him into addictions rehab, but I didn't want to get him into legal trouble. I just wanted medical help. It appeared that a concerned doctor at the military clinic was going to figure out a way to approach this.

Visits with the children became few and far between after his move. I assume this was because he was busy with his online hook-ups. On the positive side, I didn't have to worry so much about their exposure to porn. The bad thing was that I really needed a break sometimes from 24-hour parenting of special needs kids.

At the end of the 3rd year, I was upset and afraid about his sexual acting out which he didn't seem to comprehend had left an identifiable internet trail. I ended up going on Zoloft at the suggestion of my doctor. I was frustrated by my inability to get the divorce to move forward. The "system" didn't seem equipped to do anything to protect me and special needs kids. But despite all the stress, I had fallen in love with a wonderful, trustworthy man, and that kept me from despair.

4th year:

My husband suddenly informed me that he had lost his job and therefore medical benefits. He told me to cancel all dental and medical appointments for the children until further notice. This was no small thing for kids who have a variety of psychological and physical issues.

Later, he accused me of reporting him to the military and initiating an investigation that led to his being removed from duty. He wanted me to write a letter claiming that I had "set him up."

Given the job loss, the attorneys tabled all divorce negotiations until he retired from the military and got another job.

He began withholding hundreds of dollars from support payments. He claimed this was for cell phone, and health and auto insurance, but he never produced any documentation of this.

He decided he would prepare income taxes for the first time ever. When he finally showed me what he had prepared, I found errors. When I pointed them out, he told me he had already submitted the forms with errors.

At the end of the 4th year, I was overwhelmed at being a single mom. I was at the point of despair in being disappointed by the legal process. I was also still happily in love and continuing to grow in that relationship.

5th year:

He accused me of having a job and of taking on a tenant. Based on this inaccurate information, he decided to withhold a $1,600 of his "voluntary" monthly support. I finally had to go to Domestic Relations for a support order.

Three years after filing for divorce, our date finally came up with the Divorce Master. Even days before the scheduled hearing, he refused to negotiate a settlement. My attorney and I prepared for a hearing with evidence and witnesses. (Bill for services that month was $6,000.) When we arrived that morning for the hearing, my husband changed his mind wanted to negotiate.

We hammered out an agreement similar to what we had been discussing for the past 2 years.

While the agreement stated that it did not need to be signed to be enforced, he refused to sign it, further delaying the divorce for an additional 3 months, during which time he did not have to pay the 50% of his pension that I was to receive.

A settlement agreement took three years, two attorneys and over $50,000. There is no custody agreement.

I discovered that I could have resumed my maiden name as soon as I filed for divorce for only a nominal fee. I got to the courthouse as soon as I was able, and changed my name. It felt good, but it has been a long process getting the name changed on all accounts.

He continues to play psychological games. I have been getting better at practicing No Contact (as much as possible) and Gray Rock. I'm still struggling with not getting upset by his threats, although now it usually takes me only a very short period of time to realize that the threats are usually ridiculous. He continues to attempt to circumvent appropriate processes for requesting custody visits.

Part of the settlement agreement included that we would file joint taxes and he would prepare them. I realize now I should have made it a requirement that I prepare and file them. He pulled the same thing as the prior year, ignoring the errors I found, and filing the taxes without my signature.

As the end of the fifth year approaches, I am preparing to sell the house and move. I feel mostly like myself again.

6th year:

I sold a house, and I bought a house. These life events each brought their own stresses.