When I first began to uncover my husband's sexual addiction, I felt sorry for him. I was a Christian woman. My priorities were to forgive and to fix. I was proud of myself for being able to resume our sex life almost immediately. I look back on that and see a combination of denial and enabling.
If I could rewind, I would react differently. In retrospect, upon first discovery, he was embarrassed and compliant. Perhaps I might have been able to set up some "safeguards" during that time when he was less defensive and more penitent (even if that was only an act). Safeguards won't "fix" his problems, but they may offer some protection for YOU.
Here is what I would do differently:
I would more swiftly set boundaries with some sort of accountability. The boundaries lay out what kind of behavior you require to save the marriage, and the repercussions if those boundaries are crossed.
Appointment with a lawyer to draw up a post-nuptial agreement that protects you and any children you have together. This should be an absolute condition of continuing the marriage. Find an attorney who has experience with high conflict divorce and make this appointment as soon as possible.
Medical testing for STDs for both of you, with him giving you access to his medical records.
Complete financial disclosure of all his accounts and passwords to you.
Appointment with an experienced therapist who specializes in sexual addictions for both of you.
Look into a treatment facility for both of you.
Demand full disclosure of his sexual acting out and a polygragh.
Set up monitoring and accountability to YOU, not to a "sponsor" or his buddy.
Do not think that if he goes to a couple of 12-Step Meetings, this shows his commitment to recovery. He's an addict.
He is a brilliant liar, and has perfected this skill with years of practice. To repair the marriage, you must have truth, and you cannot have this without accountability. The temptation for him to slip back into his secret life will be strong.
Stop sexual contact.
Get tested for STDs.
If he does not willingly comply with financial disclosure, quietly make copies of all financial information and make sure you acquire passwords and access to all accounts.
Do a free credit check. Plan to check one of the three credit report companies every 4 months from now on. In this way, you can space out the free annual credit checks through the year and monitor your credit.
Start documenting EVERYTHING. If he lies later about things you did and said, you need a record. Take time to write down what happens every day, a synopsis of any appointments or discussions you had. Keep this in a safe place to which he does not have access, preferably digital copies in multiple locations.
Set up a self-care program that includes prayer or meditation, adequate sleep, exercise, and healthy diet. You need to be in top form to deal with the grief process and anger that will come as you work through this.
Adjust your expectation. Getting through this will take years—not weeks or months—no matter how hard you work at your own recovery. Practice patience and fortitude. You will need it.
You must assume the situation is much worse than you imagine. If you've caught him with one thing, there's probably a whole lot more, and you may well uncover more of it in pieces over a period of years.
A sex addict typically suffers from a combination of psychiatric disorders. I urge you to familiarize yourself with these:
Bipolar Disorder
Depression
Mood disorders typically respond well to drug therapy and psychotherapy.
Cluster B Personality Disorders (any combination):
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Anti-Social Personality Disorder (Sociopath)
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Personality disorders are not typically treatable, although drug therapy and years of regular psychotherapy may help.
This is a new term that is showing up in the psychological literature. It describes my ex-husband to a T. You may want to see if it applies to your situation.