Co-Parenting: Peace of Mind

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201705/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-round-2

Here's some good advice from Linda Esposito, LCSW

Five tips for establishing peace of mind, despite a toxic ex:

1. Get your narcissistic co-parent out of your mind/home/mobile devices/conversations.

Follow the court order, but never hit "reply" unless necessary. While incessant email, texts, and letters from opposing counsel feel like the vicious, unnecessary attacks that they are, you don’t have to respond to everything. Also, leave the details out of your other relationships. Friends, family and coworkers are not qualified to provide adequate support and understanding. That’s what therapy is for. And you can emotionally vomit all over us. Just kidding; but choose a clinician who is qualified to treat high-conflict divorce and co-parenting.

2. Regulate your emotions to retain your sanity.

Mindfulness-based practices habituate you to pay attention to what you pay attention to. Intentionally slowing your mind helps you respond differently when hijacked by stress and fear.article continues after advertisement

Scheduling your replies to co-parenting correspondence also helps mitigate surprise attacks. Choose a time, day, and time limit for answering such communications each week. Boundaries are key. And yes, I know: Narcissists retaliate when limits are imposed. Still, it takes two to tango. Drama is draining; remove yourself, and s/he has no audience. Remember, the government doesn’t actually want to be involved in making decisions about your parenting practices.

3. Look at the big picture.

A hallmark of emotional maturity is weathering life’s storms. Yours may be a Category-5 hurricane, but there is an endpoint. Don’t focus on the breakdowns, but the breakthroughs. High-conflict divorce is a mean teacher, but the lessons are invaluable.

4. Find your safe place.

Anxious adults raise anxious kids. Do what you need to maintain that sacred space around your mental health. Think meditation, yoga, or church. (Jack and Coke may work, too, but you don’t need “substance abuser” added to the dirty laundry list of your ex's false allegations).

5. Fight for your kids (with two caveats):

First, define a worthwhile battle. Is $2,500 a judicious expenditure for filing a motion to choose your kid’s orthodontist? Probably not.

Save your energy for the second caveat… Be warm when emotions are hot. Alienation is real. Refusing contact with a parent creates substantial distress. The solution is warmth:

“For both fathers and mothers, warmth served as a protective factor against having a child refuse contact. Conversely, violence was a risk factor for having a child refuse contact. The implication of these findings is that a parent may be counseled to improve their own parenting style when a child is refusing contact, rather than focusing so much on the behaviors of the other parent.” (Scott C. Huff, 2015).

A Herculean fight, no doubt, but children only have one shot at childhood. Speaking of which, my heart breaks whenever adult clients of divorce cry, "I wish s/he would’ve fought for me. When I said I didn’t want to live with him/her, I didn’t mean it." The truth is that no matter how surly, indifferent, poised, or mature they may appear, kids are not equipped with the life experience to understand the consequences of their actions. But you are.

If 50/50, primary custody, or another timeshare is not included in the court order, make the most of your time together. Kids can thrive with the unconditional love of one stable parent. Eventually, they grow up and develop insight regarding narcissistic abuse:

"(Moné and Biringen, 2006) found relationships between alienating behaviors and current relationships with parents in college students. Notably, they found consistent evidence for a 'backfire effect,' wherein a parent's badmouthing of the other parent in years past was a negative predictor of their current relationship." (Michael Friedman, 2004)

Lastly, and because you’ve likely encountered your fair share of listicles: Make memories, laugh, and create positive experiences. Your children will be adults soon enough. Long after the ink has dried on your divorce decree and your kids have flown the coop, this era will be written as one chapter (or 18) ... but not your whole life story.

*****

—For additional support in navigating the challenges of co-parenting, Linda Esposito, LCSW, offers Co-parenting Consultation. Click here for more information.