Support for You
When you first discover that your partner is a sex addict, there may be a numbness along with the tears. You may be in Denial, and it may be hard for you to discern the best course of action. My first inclination was to sympathize with Poor Him, and want to "help" him.
This is not, however, what I would recommend now! I believe your first step is to become informed, and not to be afraid of delving into the reality of this situation. The priority is for you to be safe, be informed about his particular addiction and find support for your wounded heart.
Codependency Model (12-Steps) vs. Trauma Model
You may initially find books and information that suggest you are a co-addict/co-dependent, in need of a 12-Step Program. While it's possible that you are co-dependent, it's more likely you're not. I suggest you look for support from counselors, books and groups that use the Trauma Model.
Because I reject the notion that most spouses are co-dependent or co-addicted, I cannot recommend 12-Step Programs such as S-Anon or COSA. This is not to say you cannot get some positive things from them.
Anon Groups offer the personal support of peers and emphasize learning to accept, detach, let go and taking charge of your own spiritual growth. Groups generally have a program with specific content related to the 12 Steps. This limits discussion. So 12 Step groups for both the addicts and the partners are not likely to discuss acknowledge the role that mental illness can play in the lives of addicts. This is leaving out a crucial piece to the puzzle. Without knowledge of personality and mood disorders, it is difficult to make reasonable decisions.
Anon groups tend to support staying with an addict. However, life with an addict is often frustrating, painful, humiliating and may come at the cost of your own happiness and well-being. I'm not sure the partner of an addict should ever put too much effort into staying. That effort should come from the addict! I suspect threat of separation / divorce may be a good motivator for the addict in early treatment. (My own willingness to be forgiving and sympathetic initially certainly didn't motivate my husband to take treatment seriously.)
It is extremely important to understand that acceptance of the REALITY does not equal blind acceptance of the addiction or the associated behaviors. Acceptance really means realizing that you have no power to fix or change the addict. You do have the power to control your own decisions and your own behavior. You cannot change your disordered partner, but you can choose whether you want to stay in that relationship or leave.
Recommended Online Resources and Support
When I looked for local support groups, I just didn't find anything. With my kids to take care of, I couldn't attend meetings. So I looked for online support. In five years, these are the online support resources I found most helpful:
MarriedtoaSexAddict.com / Sisters of Support
I wish early on I had read this particular thread on MarriedtoaSexAddict.com that includes stories from women who have chosen to stay and who have chosen to leave. These stories give a much more realistic picture of what the Partner of a Sex Addict (sometimes referred to as a PoSA) faces in the future. MarriedtoaSexAddict.com, is the place where I have consistently found the most realistic stories and discussions related to sexual addiction. Most books simply do not have that many contributors and voices. Here you hear the REAL anguish of women who are dealing with partners who are Sexually Addicted/Compulsive (sometimes referred to as a SAC).
Out of the Fog: Information and support for those with a family member who suffers from a personality disorder.
http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html
Books
Truths I Wish I'd Heard Initially
Sex addicts may never recover. It takes real commitment from him and treatment for the rest of his life.
Be prepared for his relapses, self-pity and excuses.
Sex addicts lie and lie and lie. You can't trust anything they say. If you don't set hard boundaries with accountability and repercussions, you'll never get out of the cycle of deceit.
Sex addicts often have related personality disorders, mood disorders, and other addictions.
A high percentage of sex addicts have been sexually abused in childhood.
If your sex addict appears to be in recovery, it STILL won't be easy for you to recover your feelings for him or your trust in him. You may find the relationship forever damaged.
If you stay with your sex addict, it won't be easy. If you separate from/divorce your sex addict, it won't be easy, especially if you have children. You have to basically decide the lesser of two evils. The charming stories you hear about recovered sex addicts and "better than ever" marriages are few and far between.
If you read through the discussion thread tagged above, you will hear many stories of what it's like EVEN if your sex addict is apparently successfully in recovery.
While your natural inclination in recovery may be to hide from embarrassment, informing yourself and finding suitable support is the most important thing you can do for yourself.
6 Stages of Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts
Patrick Carnes says there are six stages of recovery for partners of sex addicts. You can compare these to the stages of grief. (I have rewritten these to delete references to 12-Step Programs, which I believe are a construct of "experts" who are recovering sex addicts themselves and who like to see their addiction as something shared by their partner.)
Adapted from an article by ALEXANDRA KATEHAKIS, MFT, CST, CSAT on psychcentral.com
Life for partners of sex addicts who have been affected by a series of betrayals by the addict can be an emotional roller coaster. The knowledge that stages in the recovery process are natural and normal can be reassuring to the addict’s partner, regardless of whether she chooses to stay in the relationship.
According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, there are six identifiable stages of recovery for partner's of sex addicts.
The first stage is known as the developing/pre-discovery stage, and it takes place before the partner discovers the addict’s acting-out behaviors. It consists of the partner not knowing about the behavior at all, or having suspicions that things in the relationship are not right. Characteristically, this is the stage where the partner feels the addict’s difficulty in any number of areas in the couple’s life (i.e., finances, parenting, intimacy issues). And when they address their concerns, the addict may deny there is any difficulty, or blame it on the partner.
The crisis stage consists of the addict’s partner discovering the addict’s sexual acting-out behavior. The partner may try to micromanage the addict, or attempt any number of strategies in an effort to keep the very real pain of the betrayal at bay. The gift of this stage is that the partner begins gathering resources or attending support groups or will seek counsel with an experienced sex addiction therapist.
Shock is characterized by periods of numbness and avoidance, and periods of conflict. Very powerful feelings of anger, resentment and hopelessness can arise, as well as feelings of tremendous self-doubt. This is a normal, yet painful stage to go through, and gathering the support of other partners as well as a therapist can be crucial to help the partner through this difficult time.
The fourth stage is grief and ambivalence. After the emotional upheaval, many partners find themselves focusing less on the addict’s behavior, and looking inward to grieve the losses. Self-care typically increases at this time.
In the repair stage, the partner is fully invested in self-care. The grieving process for the relationship as they thought it was has taken place, and partners enter into a sense of emotional stability. Boundaries have been set and kept. If the partner chooses to remain in the relationship, it is because the addict is following a solid program of recovery.
The last stage is growth. This stage is marked by transforming feelings of being victimized into resiliency. Partners in this stage have usually worked through a rebuilding process, and have come out the other side with a solid commitment to healing.
What is left out here is another potential stage. If the partner chooses to leave the relationship, the next stage is Divorce. If you have to go through this stage, it may well be worse than the previous six because your sex addict is likely to make it a living hell.
