Shame

I've heard a lot about "shame" in sexual addition.

Here's examples from a typical writeup:

"The shameful nature of sexual addiction compels addicts to lead double lives. Most of them struggle with honesty..."

and

"Many experts believe the key factor in recovery is breaking silence. Secrecy perpetuates the problem and allows it to escalate. An addict also needs to find a safe place to reveal his secret, a place where his soul is important and he can escape his shame. A recovery group like Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), where an addict is encouraged and held accountable, is essential."

Wow. That's all classic personality disordered shifting of blame and of responsibility:

  • It's not my fault I lie. I have to lie because I have a sexual addiction that COMPELS me to lead a double life.

  • See, the SECRECY perpetuates the problem. If only I had a SAFE PLACE to reveal my secret, where somebody thinks my deceitful soul has some importance, then I could escape this terrible shame of my sexual behavior.

  • I just need ENCOURAGEMENT from my fellow addicts who will not judge me!

Honestly, I find that write-up crazy-stupid! As a wife learns, discovery of the "secret" does absolutely NOTHING to end the addiction. You'd think shame might motivate the addict to end the addiction. You'd be wrong.

The more years I have to consider this whole "shame" thing, the more I think facing the shame should be what people do in SA groups. SA groups should be led by professionals, not addicts who we know are likely to have personality disorders which lead them to be successful manipulators with no regard for honesty or accountability.

SA groups, with no professional counselors involved, are just an easy way for a sex addict to connect with a bunch of equally deceitful, disordered perverts while completely avoiding any recognition of his deep-seated psychological issues. How can an addict recover if the psychological issues behind the addiction remain unresolved?

From what I can see, the SA 12-Step Program does not help the sex addict:

  • deal with the sexual abuse that is most likely in his past,

  • recognize and acknowledge any co-morbid mood and personality disorders,

  • learn about potential drug therapies,

    • find professional programs that can offer real psychological treatment,

    • become accountable to his spouse rather than another addict, or

  • learn skills that might help him save his broken marriage.

When my then-husband joined SA, he was almost immediately "promoted" to being a sponsor and an SA area treasurer, despite being actively involved in online hook-up sites at the same time. The "status" of his role as a sponsor and treasurer fed his narcissistic ego, and enabled him to continue to heap blame upon me for rejecting him by filing for divorce.