Legal Help & Post Nuptial Agreement

If I had a chance to rewind/re-do, one of the (many) things I would do differently would be to seek legal advice immediately, particularly if you have children. You may think your priority should be saving your marriage. The truth is, you can't save it by yourself, and if you're dealing with a narcissist (God forbid you're married to a narcissistic attorney like I was!), you're going to be in for a battle no matter what you decide to do. Protect yourself NOW by gathering the information you may need before you take any action.

Initial Steps to Take

• • Get information on divorce in YOUR STATE. (You can probably Google this.)

  • Is it a "no-fault" state, or do they recognize fault-based divorce?

  • Does your state have "legal separation?"

  • How does the state calculate child support and spousal support? (There may be a website where you can plug in numbers for the calculation.)

  • What special circumstances do you have: special needs children, military, pensions, prenuptial agreement, citizenship, etc.

  • Put together the important information on your marriage, your assets, and the budget you need to run your household on your own. (Check the bottom of this page for a downloadable form.)

  • What proof do you have of your husband's addiction, and do you feel he is any danger to your children?

Put together a tabbed notebook with this information. After you are INFORMED and well-prepared, seek legal advice.

Make an appointment to see a trusted attorney TOGETHER to mediate some sort of post-nuptial agreement and a separation (as recommended by sexual addiction programs.) In this agreement, while you are both committing yourselves to working on the marriage, you are also signing a binding legal agreement with very clear, specific repercussions for continuing infidelity or porn exposure. This would be about setting legal boundaries while the situation is fairly neutral.

If you work on the marriage, but fail to make agreements about divorce in this early stage, you risk putting yourself in a difficult position later. In the early stages, the addict may be embarrassed, compliant and willing to do whatever is necessary to keep the marriage intact. He may be promising that he loves you, that he will change and that he would never hurt you. If you get to the point where you want a divorce, your spouse may decide you are now The Enemy, and become very unwilling to negotiate anything reasonable.

I resisted getting legal help early on because of the expense and also because I was "worried" about his reaction - his potential for depression and suicide. I see now how much that manipulated me into making fewer demands and worrying less about myself and my economic, physical and psychological safety.

PostNuptial Agreements I WISH I'd had the foresight to demand

• • If one party is proven unfaithful, that person should have to pay the entire legal bill for the divorce and any psychological therapy for the cheated-upon spouse and for the children.

  • If one party is proven unfaithful, alimony shall NOT end automatically due to the cohabitation or remarriage of the cheated-upon spouse.

  • If one party is proven unfaithful, the cheated-upon spouse shall not have to pay alimony to the cheater.

  • Both parties agree to psychiatric or psychological evaluation at the request of the other person. If one party is proven mentally ill, the other partner shall have full custody of the children while the mentally ill party shall have scheduled visitation.

  • If one party makes career sacrifices in order to raise children, that will be considered in alimony.

  • Both parents agree that child support does not end at age 18 / graduation from high school. If a child goes to college, a reasonable amount of financial support will continue until college graduation. I would specify that continuing support should be shared percentage-wise, based on income of each spouse, and specifically include health insurance and health bills.

Problems with / Limitations of the Legal System

Our legal system is an adversarial system. Unlike in a lawsuit, divorce attorneys get paid by the hour rather than as a percentage of the agreement. The truth is, most divorce attorneys have NO MOTIVATION to efficiently help you get a divorce. The longer it takes, the more they get paid.

Additionally, if you are dealing with a high-conflict person (with a personality disorder), you are not likely to be able to do any sort of mediation. This person will find many ways to drag feet, refuse to cooperate and generally delay divorce.