12 Step Groups

12-Step Groups offer peer support for alcoholics or other addicts. In these groups, "recovering" addicts sponsor addicts who want to end their addictions.

My objection to 12-Step Groups is that they are NOT facilitated by a qualified professional. Groups are run by untrained, disordered individuals for disordered individuals.

The founder of AA was an alcoholic who died from lung cancer because of his smoking and left a substantial amount of money to his mistress – because on top of compulsive drinking and smoking, he was also a sex addict! Is it any surprise his program has, ahem, left something to be desired?

Is there any proof that 12-Step Programs actually work?

The short answer is, no, there is no proof of effectiveness. You can read a good article about this here.

In my opinion, participation in a 12 Step Program will not keep most sex addicts from returning to their addictions. You can also read what I have to say in my commentary on Shame.

It will provide the addict with a way to prove their superiority over other people: "I am in Recovery! Everyone should be in recovery! You should be in a 12-Step Program, too!" My whore-addicted husband wrote to me and stated that not only was I a sex addict (because we had sex before we were married 29 years earlier) but also a food addict (because I was anorexic as a teenager). The unstated assumption is that he is better than I am because he is facing his addictions and moving through the Steps... and I'm not. 

Don't get me wrong. I have friends who have successfully used AA to transform their lives, and I'm glad it has worked for them. I have also seen how addicts can misuse the 12-Step program: "See, I'm attending meetings! I'm doing my Steps!" All the while, there is no evidence of any change in behavior.

When the addict claims to be in recovery, but continues blaming other people, you can be sure he's not really in recovery at all.

12-Step groups are run by addicts for addicts. Many sex addicts have "other issues" such as personality disorders, mood disorders, or a past history of sexual abuse in their childhood. Without a professional to help guide the group discussion, these issues never get discussed.

A lay support group is only as good as its leadership. The addiction recovery process is only as good as the real effort put into it by the individual. My experience of SA is that my own porn- and sex-addicted husband was given another addict to sponsor and put in charge of the group treasury before he had completed even the 1st Step. He never "made amends" with me.

My spouse's fellow addicts were his "brotherhood." And boy, did those brothers ever feel sorry for themselves! Not sorry about the devastation to their families, but angry that their wives weren't "forgiving" enough.

I repeat, I absolutely disagree with the assumption that the spouse of an addict (sex, alcohol or otherwise) is automatically a co-addict or co-dependent. So many 12-Step programs for sex addicts assume that the spouse needs an accompanying 12-Step program for their attraction to the sex addict! I have heard of a FEW spouses who fall into that category, but by far the majority of partners of sex addicts are people who have been duped and trapped, not people who "need" to be married to an addict.

In my experience, SA 12-Step Programs like setting up conventions! The idea of a sexaholic convention just makes me laugh: Let's take a bunch of people who cannot control their sexual behavior and put them in a hotel together. It's like having an AA meeting in a bar... with free booze.

The Original Alcoholics Anonymous Twelve Steps

These are the original Twelve Steps as published by Alcoholics Anonymous (founded by Bill W. aka Bill Wilson, read more about him below) and modified for use by various addiction recovery groups, from gamblers, to narcotics to sexaholics.

• 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

  10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

A some groups offering 12-Steps for sexual addiction:

• • Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) - this is the only 12-step program that defines sexual sobriety for its members: no sex with oneself or anyone outside marriage between a man and woman.

  • Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) - SAA does not have a universal definition of abstinence and instead believes that it is necessary for each member to defines his or her own.

  • Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) - this group is geared for both sex and love addiction, which includes dependency on a person or people in addition to sexual acts. SLAA also encourages recovery from sexual anorexia, emotional, and social anorexia.

  • Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) - this program strives to help addicts learn to express sexuality in ways that do not endanger mental, physical or spiritual health. SCA is open to all sexual orientations and welcomes both males and females.

  • S-Anon and COSA - similar to Alanon, these groups are designed for partners and family members of the sex addict to provide support and address codependency issues.

  • Recovering Couples Anonymous (RCA) - the only fellowship geared specifically for couples whose committed relationships have been impacted by sex and love addiction.

Some addicts will just flat out refuse to go to 12-Step Meetings. But other addicts will find that the 12-Step Group is actually a terrific way for them to find sympathy from other like-minded addicts.