0 Before
Before Discovery and dealing with This Awful Mess, I had 24 years of marriage, a marriage in which I believed myself to be reasonably happy. I absolutely believed my husband was an honest, monogamous man because he said that he was. He was horrified by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods. In retrospect, and particularly in light of now experiencing a "normal" balanced, loving relationship, I can see the truth.
What follows are some of the Red Flags I chose to ignore in my married life. I'm curious if any of these ring true for other wives.
His Fake Name
Here's some irony for you: My future husband introduced himself to me at a college party as "Rod Steele." It shows my naiveté that I believed him, and learned only through a mutual friend that wasn't his name at all.
He lived in sexual fantasy and façade from the very beginning.
The Façade
My husband was over-the-top happy and cheerful. The more people that were around, the more he drank, and the more he drank, the more entertaining he became. Everybody loved him! He was such a fun guy! In front of a crowd, he could give fabulous speeches with no notes. He could do spot-on impressions and make people laugh. At some point, I became aware that despite his ridiculous cheerfulness, he displayed signs of depression. There were mood swings. After his team lost football games, he would be seriously depressed for days. The mood swings got worse as time went on, but signs of depression usually disappeared if there were any other people (besides immediate family) around.
Loss of Respect
In the first year of marriage, I noticed he was not the Renaissance Man he had promised to be. He had several primary interests: beer, football, pipe smoking (later cigars), and reading history books. He wasn't much interested in learning new things. He wasn't Mr. FixIt. I encouraged him to do volunteer work with me for the Church. He did it, but without any pleasure.
I remember being disappointed that he wasn't more of a go-getter or achiever. But I kept reminding myself how fortunate I was to having a loving husband who was so cheerful and told me constantly how much he loved me.
Alcoholism
My ex is an alcoholic, but I was too young and inexperienced to understand this at first. There were alcoholic incidents before the wedding. In the first year of our marriage, I had to "adjust" to his daily alcohol consumption. Over the years, I accepted his alcoholism. It didn't affect his work. "Bad things" (that I was aware of) only happened about once or twice a year, things like him driving drunk, urinating on walls, vomiting, passing out, or pitching an alcoholic fit with the kids. The fact that he drank beer after work every day and every weekend was something I simply learned to accept. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're married?
I told him I thought he was an alcoholic. I made suggestions of setting personal limits for drinking in a day, to prevent drunk driving. When a "bad thing" happened, I might pack up all the alcohol in the house and hide it for a week or a month... until he asked me to get it out again.
It wasn't until we had separated that various friends said to me, "I thought he was an alcoholic, but I didn't want to risk our friendship by mentioning my concerns."
Not Taking Responsibility / Immaturity
I am an oldest child and my ex is a youngest child. I was not surprised in the early years of our marriage that I took a more responsible role. He was often like a child: self-centered, vain, unreliable. When he was in law school, I was surprised that he did the bare minimum of study, while maximizing drinking and social time.
I took care of the bills, the finances, and doing our taxes. Later, I would be the one to plan vacations, book flights, research mortgages, and sell our house by owner.
When we had children, I took care of all their activities, appointments, and educational meetings. This seemed appropriate because he was, after all, the breadwinner and I was the stay-at-home mom, a choice we had made together.
Nicknames and Odd References
In our newlywed years, our nickname for each other was "Porkie" as in "You're as porkie as a pig." I never thought of it as an insult until I related this to my now boyfriend, and he said, "Really? You let him call you a 'fat' nickname?"
Other nicknames he used for his group of friends: "Fats ____" (using their last names) or "Dog."
Nicknames for himself: "Sweet Puppus." "I'm a rat."
When he was upset with himself, he would call out, "Mother." (His mother died when he was a teenager.) Sometimes I felt he called this out to ME, as his mother substitute.
His signal for wanting sex was to ask me, "Can I have an appointment?" (After finding out about the prostitutes, I was horrified by this reference. It still makes me sick.)
I Love You
He said he loved me constantly. He would call during the day from work to tell me he loved me. When he said it, it was generally as if he was "bestowing" it upon me, with a sigh, like a movie line.
Children
After our first son was born, he seemed jealous of the time I spent caring for the baby. In counseling other young mothers, this seemed to be a common issue, so I didn't think much about it. I tried to make sure my husband and I talked about it and that I put some effort into making sure he got his physical need for affection met.
As we had more children, I believe he became more and more jealous. I had our children involved in sports and other activities, and I enthusiastically attended games, volunteered, and provided transportation. I helped with homework and college searches.
My ex had parents who did not support his activities and dreams. Many times I explained to our sons when their father had an outburst that they should be understanding because Daddy had a lousy childhood.
On the other hand, my ex was only too willing to give his children inappropriate violent toys and games (Call of Duty), overfeed them with unlimited junk food, or send a freshman off to college with a trunkload of alcohol for mixed drinks to impress the girls.
I know now that a healthy father enjoys supporting his children's activities and helps them pursue their dreams. He also ensures that his children have appropriate toys and nutritional balance.
Shifting Blame / Finding Fault with Others
This wasn't simply shifting blame to me, but shifting blame to bosses, co-workers, fellow volunteers and our children. If he got a low grade, it was the professor's fault. If he didn't get a promotion, it was somebody at work who failed to forward his paperwork.
He found fault with his bosses, his co-workers, his friends, and family members. He found fault with all my friends. He found fault with me.
He was aggressively conservative, and thought of liberals as stupid. He was proud to be a Catholic because it made him better than anyone else. He was also exceedingly proud of his alma mater, and felt that no university was as prestigious as his.
A strange story from the newlywed years: He asked what I wanted for Christmas. I described what I wanted. He went out and bought the opposite, and left it out in plain sight on a bedside table. I asked him, "Did you get this for me for Christmas?" Yes. He was angry that I had "found" it. I pointed out, "Well, it's exactly the opposite of what I requested." He was now furious. After that, he refused to buy presents for me because it was MY fault for being ungrateful for the gift he got for me.
Resentment
The seething resentment he felt towards me was never mentioned until after our separation, but looking back, I can point to moments when I felt it. He always seemed irritated with me. He would be irritable about my housework, my cooking, frequency of sex, and my volunteer work. He would tell me that "no one" appreciated my volunteer work, despite the fact that I got constant positive feedback.
When he got home from work, he would obsessively wipe down the counters in our kitchen indicating that they weren't clean enough.
Entitlement
My ex felt that since he made a big paycheck, his family should be profuse in our gratitude. But no matter how many times I would express that his income was more than adequate and I wished he would not work a second job to make more, he felt I was not grateful enough. He stated this frequently, and I always responded by repeating how grateful I was.
What I didn't understand was that because the children and I didn't appreciate him enough (in his mind), that entitled him to stay late drinking with co-workers without telling me ... or to have sex with prostitutes while on business trips for that second job.
He worked hard. In his mind, his family didn't appreciate him. So he was "entitled" to his sexual acting out.
Anger
This was not something I saw until we had children. He would become furious with the kids, one of our children in particular. He would scream and shout (occasionally even hit) because toys were left out or candy wrappers weren't thrown away. Frequently this would happen when I was on the phone with a friend or with my mother. I do not know if he did this to get my attention or because he felt so much jealousy of the kids in general.
After our separation, I became the anger target.
