The Insulting Settlement Proposal
Narc received copy of a proposed settlement from his attorney on a Friday.
Narc was supposed to pick up kids at 7:30 PM on a Saturday.
Called Narc's cell at 7:33 – no answer
Called Narc's cell at 7:35 – no answer
7:37 PM RL: Kids are antsy waiting for you. Are you on the way?
7:38 PM Narc: On the way.
7:38 PM RL: ETA?
7:43 PM Narc: 4 minutes?
Narc showed up in the car at 7:57 PM. He drove slowly, not normal for him. He got out of the car barefoot. His speech was slurred and he was walking unsteadily. Narc indicated he was planning to take the kids to the community pool immediately. He had just driven over 25 miles from an out-of-town party to pick them up.
RL verbal: Are you okay?
Narc verbal: Yeah.
RL verbal: Have you been drinking?
Narc: Yeah.
RL: In that case, the kids cannot get in the car with you. I will drive the kids over to your house.
Narc left before I got the kids into my car. We caught up to him when he was at an intersection midway between the two houses. The back tires of his car were well past the white line for the intersection and the car was in a crosswalk. When the light changed, he proceeded at 20 mph through the intersection and to his townhouse – much slower than he normally drives. When he got to the townhouse, we could see he was struggling with the garage door opener.
Not knowing what else to do, I instructed the kids no one was to get into the car with Narc to go anywhere that night. The teenager was to call me if he had any concerns.
An hour later…
9:05 PM Narc: Your parenting plan and property settlement are insulting. Not just my attorney. Your attorney, too. Refinance the house in your name or sell it. Enough of your BS. You thought I would sign this this?
Narc Decoder: I am fucking drunk. I cannot take responsibility for my sexual addictions or my alcoholism, so I will blame you. Since you always took care of the finances and bills, I have zero concept of the cost of raising the children, so I will accuse you of sending an insulting settlement proposal. I will pretend my attorney thought it was insulting too. Hell, I'll pretend your attorney (who wrote it) thinks it's insulting! I don't like your proposal to stay in the house with the kids because that makes me feel like you win and your life continues on same as before. Since I have no ability to empathize, I cannot conceive of the idea that you staying in the house to raise the kids is actually a hardship for you, but you are willing to do it for the sake of the kids.
I'm an attorney, and I well know that this is just a draft proposal, but I'm going to pretend like this is some sort of final document that you expected me to sign so that I can be offended and insulted about it. That gives me an excuse to drink tonight. A lot.
9:08 PM RL: No. I thought you and your attorney would work on it. My attorney wrote the house part wrong but she said your attorney would rewrite it. It's negotiation.
9:16 PM Narc: What u wrote is over the top. No point in doing facilitated discussions, really. You really thought I would agree to this? :)
9:18 PM Narc: Refinance the house in your name or sell it. You can't live there and have me pay the mortgage. :)
Narc Decoder: I am going to completely ignore any explanations you write, because I need to be furious about this. My behavior was over the top, so I need to say your proposal is over the top. I don't like going to counseling with you, so I will use this as an excuse to refuse to meet with you for facilitated discussion. Despite what you say about this being rewritten, I'm going to continue to accuse you of expecting me to sign it as it is. And I will put a smiley face on this text message to show irony.
Narc Decoder: Every minute that goes by, I just get madder and madder. I'm going to put another ironic smiley face on this!
9:59 PM RL: I did NOT expect you to sign it. I expect you to work with your attorney to do a counter proposal.
10:16 PM Narc: I had wanted to reconcile. Once I counter offer, it is a done deal. Refi. I want off the mortgage. Or sell it.
Narc Decoder: You were supposed to forgive me! Despite my continuing addictions! And yet you keep me out of the house!
10:19 PM RL: You counter. I counter. We negotiate. Please work with your attorney. I will not respond to further texts about this.
That night, I ordered a home breathalyzer kit and decided I would never be caught off-guard again.
Next Morning 8:59 AM
Narc: I was wrong. I was angry and speaking from wounded pride over how I appeared last night. I told [my attorney] I wanted to hold off on a counter offer. Better that we schedule a session with [the counselor]. I am sorry for purposely trying to hurt you and make you anxious with thoughts of refi/selling the house. I was wrong to do it.
Narc Decoder: Damn. I realize now that I'm sober you and the kids saw me driving drunk. You also have evidence of my alcoholic rage in text messages. My Mr. Nice façade broke down! I need to convince you that I am empathetic. In my SA group, we learned that we're supposed to say "I was WRONG," and that means even MORE than saying we're sorry. Those are supposed to be the magic empathetic words that will make you forgive me.
9:08 AM RL: I'm glad you're in a better frame of mind today. Last week, I scheduled with [the counselor] and you asked me to cancel. I deferred to you but said you should make arrangements if you want to see him again. So... you make the call. This way you're in control of it, not me.
In the next counseling session, things broke down entirely, and I spent the next 2.5 years spending $50,o00 on attorneys to get a settlement agreement pounded out.