An addiction is a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences to that individual’s health, mental state or social life.
I believed after catching my former husband in his infidelity, he would end his behaviors out of his love for me. What I didn't comprehend was that his behavioral addictions ruled his life, offered him comfort and a high. He had lived a double life–a life of deceit–for such a long time, it would take Herculean effort and a miracle to change.
I should state right here: I do not believe most "sex addicts" will change their behavior. I subscribe to the idea that the behavior isn't the problem: the real problem is a personality disorder, and the symptoms of it include the acting out and the lying.
You can give your sexually addicted spouse an opportunity, but please be wary. Your sexually addicted spouse is probably an experienced liar. He will tell you what you want to hear, and then he will return to the behaviors more secretive than ever.
The treatments suggested for the sexually addicted person include:
Individual Psychotherapy or Counseling
Individual Psychiatric care, possibly including medication
Residential Treatment Programs
Professionally Facilitated Support Groups
A 12-Step Program based on Alcoholic Anonymous will likely be suggested. You need to know that this really isn't a good idea, and why. Click on that link and read more about it.
Patrick Carnes talks about a five year recovery. Let that sink in. This is not a short process! Your addict will have to address the issues that underlie his addiction: including co-morbid addictions, mood disorders, personality disorders and any childhood abuse or sexual abuse. If he really hopes to break his addiction, he will also need to have accountability and internet filters.
The sexual addict may refuse to get treatment. You must accept that his "problem" isn't yours to fix. He has to choose recovery, and commit himself to it. It isn't YOUR job to end his addiction. His addiction belongs to him.
I had a hard time understanding that I could never trust what my addicted husband said. You must believe only the addict's behavior. Douglas Weiss writes: "Addicts of any type have the ability to muster a form of emotional sincerity in a crisis that makes you want to believe them, but shortly thereafter he simply does not follow through with the behaviors he promised."
What I discovered in a year of therapy was that my ex-husband was very good at being sorry and making promises to change. Over time, I realized that he simply could not follow through, and he was either unwilling or unable to change.
I know there are men who claim to conquer their sexual addictions. I suppose it is possible, but from my vantage point, I don't know how that's done. My counselor told me that she has seen one man sincerely embrace his recovery from sexual addiction. He does it for himself, not for anyone else.
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http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Inside-Sex-Addiction-Rehab-with-Dr-Drew-Pinsky
There are now tons of books out there on recovery from sexual addiction. From my perspective, few if any of these acknowledge what wives of sex addicts have discovered: that 12-Step Programs don't work because the main issue is the personality disorder!
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction
Dr. Carnes’ book has been praised by many sex addiction experts. It adeptly captures the mind of an addict in detail and provides an analysis of the particular behaviors. If you want to get into and understand the mind of the sex addict, this book is the right place to begin.
Don’t Call It Love: Recovery from Sex Addiction
In this book one can find useful advice from recovering addicts and their partners, as well as more of Dr. Carnes’ compelling research. If you are seeking helpful advice about your recovery or your partner’s recovery, this book is a good beginning.
In The Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior
In a day and age when pornography is easily accessed for free on the Internet with the click of a mouse, a book such as this one is extremely valuable. This book provides insight and information for modern day sex addiction with the advent of the Internet.
Facing the Shadow
The Sex Addiction Workbook: Proven Strategies to Help You Regain Control of Your Life
William T. O’Donohue, Ph.D. & Tamara Penix Sbraga, Ph.D.
This book is heavily based on the strategies utilized in cognitive behavioral therapy. While this book alone is unlikely to cure someone’s sex addiction, the strategies presented in its pages are helpful for day-to-day maintenance and behavioral thinking.
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction
Dr. Mark R. Laaser
Dr. Laaser’s work has been found to be healing, having roots in the Bible and Christian teachings. One of the best features about this book is it outlines the unique needs and features of female sex addicts.
Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame
George N. Collins, MA & Anthony Adleman, MA
This work discusses how sex is all around us all the time, in magazines, on billboards, on TV, on the Internet, and just about anywhere else you can think of. Naturally, this makes recovery difficult for sex addicts. This book presents ways to free yourself from the sex that surrounds you, and how to rebuild your relationships.
A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-step Plan to Rebuild Trust and Restore Intimacy
Paldrom Collins & George N. Collins, MA
Sex addiction can tear a couple apart, and even the recovery process may feel like each spouse is fighting a separate battle. This book helps to bring couples together in the recovery process and work mutually towards the goal of bringing life back into their fractured relationship.
Lust, Anger, Love: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Road to Healthy Intimacy
Maureen Canning, MA
This book focuses on the development of addictive and aggressive behaviors as a result of childhood abuse, and how feelings of anger are translated into sexual arousal. This is a must-read for sex addicts who experience aggressive tendencies.
Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage
Meg Wilson
Ms. Wilson’s book is written from firsthand experience, and is an essential for any woman who feels hurt, betrayed, or shunned by her husband’s sexual addiction. There are religious tones to this book, which some people may not find useful, but nonetheless its pages are full of healing stories and hope for the survival of relationships after sex addiction.
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal
Barbara Steffens, Ph.D. & Marsha Means
This book presents the idea that partners of sex addicts are not co-dependent as traditionally thought, but rather victims of post-traumatic stress. Dr. Steffens has done extensive research into this topic, while Means writes from personal experience, which brings individual insight to the book.
Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes (Paperback - May 23, 2001)
Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes (Paperback - Mar 1, 1992)
Steps of Hope: A 12-Step Recovery Guide for Sex Addiction, by Douglas Weiss. Discovery Press, 1996.
False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction, by Harry W. Schaumburg. Navpress, 1997.
Escape from Intimacy: The Pseudo-Relationship Addictions, by Anne Wilson Schaef. Harper San Francisco, 1990.
Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self-Deception, by Abraham J. Twerski. Hazelden/Rosen, 1997.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patrick_Carnes
Carnes attributes the source of the addictions to the addict's belief system. He stated that a fundamental momentum for the addiction is provided by "certain core beliefs" in the addict's thinking that are wrong or incorrect: "Generally, addicts do not perceive themselves as worthwhile persons. Nor do they believe that other people would care for them or meet their needs if everything was known about them, including the addiction. Finally, they believe that sex is their most important need. Sex is what makes isolation bearable. If you do not trust people, one thing that is true about sex--and alcohol, food, gambling, and risk--is that it always does what it promises--for the moment. Thus, as in our definition of addiction, the relationship is with sex--and not people"[6]