Can I Fix Him?

The simple answer is: No.

You can go through a lot of counseling to be able to get the point of admitting that.

A wife may think:

"What can I do to help?"

"Everything is going to be okay, if...

...I can just get him in to counseling.

...he will just stop acting out.

...he doesn't have an ATM card.

...he goes to SA meetings.

All of that is YOU thinking that YOU can change the addict.

Newsflash: You can't.

Perhaps you think of all the good reasons why you should stand by your man:

    • I'm a Christian, so I should be able to forgive.

    • We have five children together. I should try to keep the marriage together.

    • He's sorry. He still loves me. Shouldn't I give him another chance?

    • He's sick; shouldn't I stand by him?

    • He needs me; how will he manage by himself?

    • He makes the money; how will I survive without HIM?

    • He makes the money; maybe I need to keep his secrets so that he won't lose his job?

    • He makes the money; maybe I need to be nice to him lest he has a total breakdown and stops providing for us economically?

    • He makes the money; will he be able to harm me economically?

If he is not taking responsibility for attending meetings, getting counseling, and attempting to repair the damaged relationship with you, he's not in recovery.

If he blames you at all for any of it, he's not in recovery.

A Journal Entry on His Changing Moods

One night he says he understands how hurt I am and that I deserve better. He says he understands that we need to sleep in separate bedrooms while he is visiting and that he can't just walk into the bathroom when I'm there. He understands that he is a guest in the house. He promises he will never hurt me again.

The next night he bursts into the bedroom where I'm sleeping at 1 AM, wakes me out of a sound sleep and asserts, "This is MY house. This is MY bedroom. I don't want a divorce. You need to forgive me." and then proceeds to explain why it is my fault for neglecting him so that he had to go to prostitutes for solace.

Then the NEXT night after attending to a 12-step meeting, he apologizes and says he is wrong, it is not my fault, it is his own self-esteem issues, and he can see that we need to separate when he gets home from Afghanistan. But when I don't immediately warm up to him after this apology, he gets sulky.

The next morning he has another long talk with me to explain that he REFUSES to move out because he needs to be here for the children and for his own well-being. Then he BEGS me over and over not to give up on our marriage.

My Response

Fortunately, a year of intensive counseling had me well prepared for all of this.

I was calm and I spoke truth. I told him he needs to talk these things through with a therapist. I'm not his therapist. He can be a good father to our children AFTER he gets done cleaning up his junk! He needs to make recovery his highest priority. He needs to recover before he re-enters the household. In a year, he has not yet finished Step 1.

  • I'm NOT responsible for his happiness.

  • I cannot fix him.

  • My life belongs to me, and I'm under no obligation to keep suffering under his mood swings and addictions.

  • Addiction IS NOT an illness like cancer. That's just BS! Addiction begins with a choice. And an addict CAN CHOOSE to get help. NO ONE can make an addict change. The addict must CHOOSE recovery.

None of this is easy. I want to be NICE. I have to be STRONG. I have to set boundaries. I have to think with both my head and my heart – but I cannot just react. I have to BREATHE and think through my responses through the filter of all I have learned.

  • I see the world with eyes that are OPEN, not closed.

  • I see what is REAL, not the fantasy he spins with words. I look at his actions.

  • I know that whatever happens, God will help me deal with it.

  • I don't have all the solutions, but when I need them, they will be provided.

Considering Divorce

Does God hate divorce more than he hates infidelity and lies?

Is asking for divorce the only way to get some men to hit rock bottom?

If you give your marriage to God, I think God is going to make something GOOD for you – whether that would be a sense that you can reconcile in a loving way or a sense that this is impossible for you at this time and it's OKAY for you to let go and move on.

I like to think about what is ultimately best for my husband. It is not good for him to be so dependent on me. For his health and happiness, he needs to gain independence.

I don't like divorce. I don't WANT divorce. Then again, I didn't want an unfaithful, addicted husband!