Tell The Kids?
Sometimes, in the discovery phase, the sexual addiction is revealed to children in a devastating blow, such as a police showing up to take daddy to jail. Or mom freaking out in the moment of discovery, with a blow-up on the level of Elin going after Tiger with a golf club.
If the children are aware, you will have to deal with that awareness at an age-appropriate level. Your best bet is to get a counselor to help you, so that a more neutral party can talk to your kids. Make sure you seek out a counselor who is good with kids and has some experience with this sort of thing, i.e. dealing with a narcissistic parent.
But in most cases, discovery may be private. You may get to the point of separation and potential divorce without the children ever knowing what is going on.
A few articles you may want to read as you consider what and when to tell the kids.
This article discusses situations where you might or might not want to make children aware of infidelity in their parents' marriage.
This article discusses sex addicts telling their children when they are on the road to recovery. This is assuming your addict EVER gets on the road to recovery, and ever has the kahunas to be honest with his kids. Seems to me this scenario is far-fetched.
What I see most often on the web is women whose sexually addicted husband lies about attending 12 Step Programs, pretends piety, refuses to be held accountable, and – when slapped with divorce papers – complains to friends, family members and his children about his "vindictive, unforgiving" wife, finding a variety of ways to punish her for rejecting his addiction while he continues whoring and porning around.
Should you respond to Lies and Attacks?
How should you respond when his narcissistic behaviors get noticeably worse, he continues lying and cheating, and spews lies about you to everyone, most especially your children?
Here are a few typical real-life examples:
Sex addict claims to be doing 12 Steps, boasts of his progress, but continues blaming his wife for his addiction and for not being forgiving enough. (The First Step would entail taking responsibility. If blame shifting continues, he has NOT made the First Step, no matter what he says.)
Sex addict tells the children that their mother is at fault for his resorting to prostitutes because she was too "cold, controlling, and unappreciative."
Sex addict tells family and friends that he has made generous offers for divorce settlement that were rejected, and tells them that the wife is dragging her feet. In reality is he is uncooperative with efforts to negotiate settlement.
Sex addict accuses wife of things he is actually guilty of: plotting to kill him, manipulating him, being an unfit mother, hiding income, wanting to abandon the kids and run away with a millionaire, etc.
Do you tell the kids why you're filing for divorce? Do you refute the lies their father is telling them?
What is best for the children–who love their father despite his flaws, and desperately want his love and approval?
One Mom's Battle leans on the side of not telling younger kids. I'm not sure this is always the best choice.
It's hard to consider these things when you are being rocked by your own shock and grief as the person you loved lashes out at you in ways you never expected. You may be tempted to lash out defensively when you are under attack. For these reasons, if you can afford family counseling, this is probably the best idea.
Here are a few things I myself considered and experienced:
I can't lie. I can't participate in his lies, and I cannot ignore them. Ultimately, I cannot hide the truth, no matter what the cost is to me personally.
I like to keep an open dialogue with my children, particularly once it is clear that they are old enough to be aware of what is going on, and especially if dad's personality disorder is affecting their relationship with him. I don't want my kids ever to feel that his behavior is their fault.
I expect that my children will at times blame me and be angry with me if I refuse to participate in the lies or ignore the lies. They may, in fact, believe the lies.
I give my children the freedom to voice their opinions. I will listen to them. I will tell them what I believe to be the truth.
I will try not to be shocked or disappointed if they take their father's side temporarily or forever. I will simply stand up for what I believe to be right.
Given that mental illness may have a genetic component, it is not unlikely that my kids may have similar mood or personality disorders, or a predisposition to addiction. I will arm them with information on how they can get help if they want it.
I will do my best to raise my children with love, I will provide positive guidance, but I will have no expectation that they will be grateful.
My older children were teenagers as I went through the process of discovery of their father's infidelity, addiction and deceit. They saw my grief process and they saw me leave their dad. There were times when they bought their father's convincing stories, mostly because he seemed more "injured" than I did. Their father faulted me for EVERYTHING, and my kids bought it at first. Eventually they came around. The only one who hasn't come around has personality disorders similar to his father.