Reality vs. the Experts
The materials I first read from the big sexual addiction treatment programs and centers (materials from Patrick Carnes, Stefanie Carnes, Douglas Weiss, Robert Weiss and others) were misleading.
These resources told me:
I was a co-dependent who needed to take responsibility for MY co-addiction.
My Sexually Addicted spouse could recover and I should support him in his recovery, understanding that there would be occasional "slips."
My poor husband suffered from "shame" and I shouldn't do or say anything that would contribute to this.
What I didn't read about initially in those books or materials:
I might be a trauma victim rather than a co-dependent.
He would continue to find ways to blame me rather than take responsibility for his addiction.
He had an ingrained habit of pathological lies that might be impossible to treat.
He most likely suffered from co-morbid personality and/or mood disorder such as Narcissism.
In reality, his behavior towards me was a form of emotional abuse (maybe physical abuse if you consider that he was exposing me to potential STDs and AIDS.)
If he did embrace a 12-Step group such as Sexaholics Anonymous, he would expect loud applause for his alleged sobriety and become just as obsessed with it as with his addiction. Additionally, he would assert his moral superiority over me and everyone else because he was participating, even if he never actually completed a single Step.
His 12-Step group would probably not address issues such as his childhood abuse, or communications skills, or the fact that most addicts are pathological liars.
One could never be assured he would not fall back into his addiction at any time, no matter how long he had been sexually sober.
It would require professional help and a polygraph to get the truth out of him.
He would NEVER be safe on the internet, and would require the strictest of controls for the rest of his life.
Treatment for this addiction would be incredibly expensive, and a divorce would be even more expensive because the one thing you can count on is that he will make divorce as difficult and painful as possible.
The best thing you can do to prepare yourself for reality is to read this rant from MarriedToASexAddict.com. If you have time, read the whole rant and all the comments. This is REALITY, girls.
If you simply don't have time, at least read this brilliant excerpt from JoAnn:
"Why aren't we, the partners, told what it's really like to live with a Sex Addict instead of dangling all those outrageous success statistics in front of us while encouraging us to stay for 'at least a year' and give it our best?
Why aren't we told about Personality Disorders and why aren't we told about the Dry Drunk Syndrome so we can decide whether the positives outweigh the negatives and recognize when we are being deceived?
Why are we made to feel guilty for even thinking of leaving Mr. Wonderful after he has been so courageous as to admit to his addiction? Why do the 12 steps praise the SA who opens up for 60 seconds in a share with a tiny piece of their side of the story, allowing them to go home all pumped and feeling as if they were just the greatest show on earth because they are just oh so honest, but fail to give the SA any direction or tools for fixing the issue they just confessed?
Why are we, the partners, told, and most importantly, why do we accept, that there will be 'slips'? Why are we told to be patient, to give it time–often at least a year, and counseled to praise their little 'successes' while we die a thousand deaths each and every day with no support or comfort?
Why are we told that we must contain our anger, our resentment and our emotions because it will cause the Sex Addict to feel shame and may cause (our fault of course) him to act out.
Why have I had to spend a whole fucking decade learning to find the right words to describe what is happening in my life with a Sex Addict? Why did I spend tens of thousands of dollars for counseling and still not have any answers?"
If you don't have time to scroll through the commentary, read this from Linette:
I believe the sex addiction therapy model is based on out dated patriarchal concepts that do nothing but enslave women in bad marriages by selling the idea that 1) these guys can really change and b) it will take years to know if your husband CAN change or not! Has everyone here seen Patrick Carnes timeline for recovery!? It literally takes 5 years! No other therapy in the world would or should take that long to see permanent change. Oh AND after you've been traumatized by your previous discoveries, be prepared to be lied to (because that's a normal part of recovery) and don't you dare shame him about his slip ups because this addiction is shame-based...
I struggled with myself whether to stay and support my husband in "beating his addiction" and felt like a bad person/wife when I decided, very recently, this life is not for me! I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for him to 'slip' (what a stupid term), or 'act out' (like he's a four year old child), and then I have to be OK with it because it happens!
I've read every sex addiction book out there and they all enraged me, I couldn't truly find one that really laid out the truth.
And don't miss this comment by the colorful Kimberly:
sex addiction was coined by sex addicts (conflict of interest, no?)
AA was founded by a sex addict (and an alcoholic)
COSA was started by a co-dependent of a sex addict who drank the kool-aid and then found other kool-aid aficionados so that they could come weekly to bitch and moan about their sex addicts and convert other partners to drink their kool-aid and come weekly to bitch and moan about their sex addict...
Patrick Carnes is a sex addict (and probably most of the rest of the so-called experts, as well.) they are all in cahoots because...
Sex addiction is lucrative. (You did say that.)
It's still a "man's world." There is still a double standard and it's not that big a deal. It's a disease and you wouldn't leave someone who's sick would you? tisk tisk... I mean you DID marry him "for better or worse" didn't you? Yeeesh... what is wrong with you woman!!! You need a 12-step program to deal with those non-commital issues you have!!! and your inability to empathize with someone you love who's sick*
integrity and morals have run amok and what was once considered immoral is considered an entitlement. As Ashley Madison says..."life is short; have an affair!" (wink, wink)
Sex addiction is lucrative.
Lots of people prefer to live in a world of illusion (delusion?)
Sex addiction is lucrative.
* (mindfuck and transference... there's a lot of money in that because it keeps the victim on a short leash and truly makes them crazy. Keeps them coming back for more and more "help.")
Reality. Sex addicts are fucked up people. There is about a 99.999% [she means 0.001%] chance that they will become unfucked up. Staying with them will make the stayer also fucked up... and the longer they stay with the sex addict the more fucked up they will become.
