Saving The Marriage?
Below is an interesting short article on saving the marriage. I'm not convinced that saving the marriage is possible, or in the best interest of most women, unless for financial reasons.
The author doesn't touch boundaries, disclosure or monitoring, but I do think she is right about needing to have physical separation and to work individually on recovery before addressing the relationship.
One aspect I haven't seen discussed much is this notion of abstaining from sex for six months. I certainly felt even in the early months after discovery, that MY sex life was being torn apart through no fault of my own. Why should I have to give up the most – perhaps the only – satisfying part of my marriage? (My experience was that terrific sex made other marital problems and issues tolerable.) Maybe I was unusual in having what I thought was a highly satisfying sex life, and I certainly didn't want to miss out on that one thing in our marriage that I really enjoyed.
At the time, the suggestion that I should have to abstain really made me angry! I'm curious how other women feel about that.
Under number 3 on this list, be sure to click on Pushing the Pause Button to read more about why she's recommending abstinence for both the addict and the partner.
Posted by Linda Hatch on Sep 13, 2012
The following are six basic things that couples need to know and do in order to have the best chance of having a good relationship in the future.
Do the work. Most sex addicts find it impossible to quit on their own. I have seen couples go for years without confronting the problem and their relationship just continues to deteriorate. Partners are often the ones who have to provide the motivation for the addict to seek treatment. Many addicts will only get help after their partner lowers the boom. Partners must also be in therapy. Partners are not the cause of the problem but they need a great deal of help and support if the couple is going to make it.
Get some separation from each other in the beginning of treatment. Many couples make the mistake of trying to confront sex addiction as a couple. Sex addiction is not that kind of problem. Couples may have many problems as a couple in terms of openness, communication, and so on, but they can only deal with those after the sex addiction has been treated for a while. It is actually a good idea to live separately for a while without making a decision about divorce.
Abstain from sex for 6 months. Abstaining from all sex will likely be a part of the sex addict’s program in the beginning of treatment. (The reasons for this are described in my Pushing the Pause Button blog.) This period of abstaining includes abstaining from sex with spouses and partners of the addict. This may be difficult or easy, or it may seem counter-intuitive but it is part of the process.
Get “pre-marital” counseling later on. Each person gets help with their own therapist and their own 12-step support group prior to coming together to work on “the relationship.” In other words, both people are going to undergo a lot of changes in the course of getting healthier through treatment. In some ways each partner will not be the same person they were before. It remains to be seen whether these two “new” people want to be together or not.
Be more honest than you ever thought of being. A healthy intimate relationship demands a level of honesty, commitment and a willingness to share all parts of yourself with your partner. It also involves letting go of competitiveness and truly being there for your spouse or partner, not only in terms of what they ask of you but in your ability to respond to and support who they are.
Be prepared to continue to work on your relationship. It is easy to backslide and become complacent. Old patterns and ways of behaving can creep back in (also see my blog on how sex addiction can resurface in subtle ways.) Some couples go to couple retreats periodically or go to couple intensive workshops to give themselves a booster shot. And be supportive of each other’s continued work in individual recovery.
Sex addiction recovery takes a long time; three to five years for substantial recovery to be achieved. Couples who decide to stick it out together need to take a very long view. oth addicts and partners tend to panic in the early phase of discovery and often overreact one way or the other. But keeping a level head and reminding yourselves that it is a long process and that you can get through it will be an invaluable tool.
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My final thought on this article: Of all the stories I have read from women married to sex addicts, it seems highly unlikely that the addict will actually follow these guidelines to save the marriage. Usually the addiction and the façade are far more important to the addict than his partner or his family.
If you want to read a realistic blog on a marriage that has survived (so far), check this out:
Mishka wife of sex addict blog
In this particular blog, the wife addresses whether she would stay in the marriage if she knew then what she knows now. And she gives the entirely truthful answer: "I don't know!"
I'm rooting for Mishka and Ed! But I think we will only know for sure in 10 years or so.
