Your Narcissist
A couple of excellent short articles on Narcissists from PsychCentral. For more about how the Narcissist thinks, click here. For info on co-parenting with a Narcissist, click here.
Lately, it feels like I’ve been encountering a lot of narcissism in my professional and personal life. I’ll be posting a blog on how to deal with narcissists separately, but first, you’ve got to know what (and who) you’re dealing with.
Narcissism, as defined clinically, is different from self-aborption/self-centeredness. I’ll give you a handy guide on how to spot the narcissists in your life (and in Saturday’s blog, tell you what to do about it.) Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of behavior that demonstrates a lack of empathy for others and a belief of exceptionalism, as well as a desire to be seen by others as singularly important. The pattern is pervasive and long-standing and shows up in a variety of settings.
Some people might meet the criteria for the full-blown personality disorder; others display strong traits. For the purpose of this blog, I’ll use the term “narcissist” as shorthand.
What does it mean to be in a relationship with a narcissist? Simply put, it means that their needs will come before yours, nearly all the time.
If you’re in a voluntary relationship (say, with a boyfriend or girlfriend, rather than with a parent or a child), recognizing these tendencies might mean that you choose to end the relationship. Because generally, just explaining how their behaviors make you feel will not be sufficient motivation for change. That’s because of the failure of empathy that’s a hallmark of the disorder.
But in brief, here are the relationship indicators that you’re dealing with a narcissist:
1) When you tell them how you feel, they’ll respond with how they feel.
It’s very difficult for a narcissist to listen to someone else’s feelings, no matter how calmly or respectfully they’re expressed. But before calling someone a narcissist, consider your delivery. If it’s angry, provocative, or otherwise inflammatory, it might be difficult for anyone to hear how you feel.
2) A lack of consistency across their communication.
They might tell you one thing one week, and then something completely different another week. Then they will not recall or feel they need to be accountable for the inconsistency. That’s because whatever they feel at a given time is paramount, and they feel others should adapt to that.
3) They want you to show admiration for any achievement of theirs, though they will not necessarily celebrate yours.
A narcissist will want credit for achievements so small you didn’t notice them (and then they might be annoyed that you failed to notice them.) They’re also likely to exaggerate successes. And they may be jealous of your actual successes rather than happy for you.
4) They’ll take advantage of your time and energy without seeming to realize they’re doing it.
That’s because what’s theirs is theirs, and what’s your is also theirs. Because of their limited ability to empathize, they probably won’t understand when you say you feel exploited. Because they believe they’re special, they’re confused when you don’t seem to realize that, too. You should be eager to help them in any way you can.
5) They may be snobby and entitled in their behaviors. Or they may be extremely charming, and able to get others to do their bidding based on this.
But the common thread is that they are the center, and expect others to orbit around them.
In my previous post, I talked about how to identify the narcissist in your life. Now it seems only fitting to offer suggestions of how to deal with them.
A caveat: Every suggestion will not apply to every situation. For example, if it’s your child, you can’t necessarily threaten to end the relationship. When it’s your spouse with whom you share children, you might also feel more limited than if, say, it’s someone you’re more casually dating. But hopefully, there will be a little something for everyone.
1) Recognize that your feelings are valid and important.
Narcissists have a tendency to downplay the feelings of others. And they can be awfully convincing. If they truly believe their feelings are more important, you can start to get caught up in that, too.
If you have enough exposure to a narcissist, you may also start to doubt the legitimacy of your feelings. Their conviction can be contagious.
You’ll have to fight this, though, in order to take Suggestion #2.
2) Stand up for yourself, again and again, even if they’re not listening.
That might seem counterintuitive. Why talk to someone who’s not listening?
Because some of what you say might begin to get through. At the very least, they’ll have to see that it’s important enough to you for you to repeat it. If you give up, it lets them believe that their own reality has triumphed. They’ve beaten you into submission.
Also, it’s important for your own self-esteem. Assertiveness isn’t just about what you assert to others; you’re asserting it to yourself, too. Sometimes we need to hear our own voices, especially if they’re getting drowned out in the relationship.
3) Devise clear boundaries, explain them, and enforce them.
Narcissists are entitled, by definition. That means they’ll overstep and take over without giving it much thought.
By drawing your boundaries clearly, you make them think (or rethink.) Then once you’ve set them, DO NOT WAVER. Think of it like a two-year-old with tantrums. If you ever give in to a tantrum, you’re back to square one; it’s reinforced that if they stick to their guns, they’ll win and you’ll relent. Narcissists are much like two-year-olds in their egocentrism.
4) Don’t give up things that matter to you, no matter what the narcissist thinks about it.
Narcissists give their own opinions way too much credit, and they are often very sure of themselves. This can create insecurity in the people around them, who begin to second-guess themselves.
It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. That’s why you need to hang onto your own interests, and make sure you have other relationships that validate those. If you like tennis, find a tennis partner. Find other people to talk to who are accepting.
5) Give an ultimatum (but only if you mean it.)
Narcissists won’t change simply because of how you feel. That type of change rests on empathy, and that’s in short supply.
They’ll change based on how things impact them (or their fear of how something might impact them–for example, losing certain privileges or the entire relationship.) They’re about consequences rather than empathy (again, much like a two-year-old.)
If you give an ultimatum and back down, that’s worse than never having given one at all. It affirms their superiority and importance; it says you need them so much that you’ll accept any treatment.
So think carefully about your level of unhappiness, and let this dictate your commitment and follow through. Perhaps have another friend support you in moments of weakness (for example, you can call them when you’re tempted to back down and they’ll help you stay the course.) Or maybe they can just remind you that you matter as much as the narcissist in your life, because it can be easy to forget.
