Definitions: Learn the Lingo
There may be dozens of terms associated with sexual addiction with which you are unfamiliar. Here are a few to get you up to speed.
A self-help program comprised of 12 steps created by Bill W. (Wilson) for alcoholics. The 12-steps have been borrowed by other addiction groups, including sex addicts, as a way to become "sober" and to take responsibility for the negative repercussions of the addictive behaviors.
A set of measures to ensure that the addict is accepting responsibility for his actions and ensuring he is not slipping back into his addiction. Self-help groups may have accountability to a sponsor, but in sexual addiction accountability must be to the spouse, whose health may be impacted.
In SA terms, this means actually playing out sexual fantasies with another person. The SA is typically not just fantasizing. He's doing it.
Addiction
A recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences to that individual’s health, mental state or social life.
Popular adult internet hook-up site, where sex addicts find No Strings Attached partners (professional or unpaid) for their sexual acting out.
In the 12-Step lingo, making amends has to do with restoring justice as much as possible. It's beyond an apology.
Anger is a normal emotion with a wide range of intensity, from mild irritation and frustration to rage. Anger can be a primary emotion, but most often it is a secondary emotion used to protect ourselves from or to cover up vulnerability. An SA is typically filled with anger and bitterness, but these are a cover for other unresolved emotions and issues. Anger is also a normal step in the grief process.
Antisocial personality disorder
One of the Cluster B Personality disorders, characterized by irresponsible behavior, impulsive behavior, disregard for others' needs or feelings, disregard for safety of self or others, persistent lying, aggressive or violent behavior, and lack of remorse for behavior.
The SA may learn in a 12-Step Program that he needs to apologize. He may feel that if he uses the words, you must accept his apology. He may also feed his narcissistic need to be better than everyone else by offering what he thinks is the supreme apology: "I was wrong."
BDSM / Dominant / Submissive (Dom / Sub)
BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Participants who exert sexual control over their partners are known as Dominants or tops while participants who take the passive, receiving, or obedient role are known as submissives or bottoms.
Blame:
People with addictions and personality disorders often cannot take responsibility for their actions, and consistently shift blame to others.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
One of the Cluster B Personality disorders, characterized by impulsive and risky behavior, unstable or fragile self-image, unstable and intense relationships, up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress, suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury, intense fear of being alone or abandoned, ongoing feelings of emptiness, frequent, intense displays of anger and stress-related paranoia.
Brotherhood
In a 12-Step Program, these are the addict's buddies, his "brotherhood."
Cluster B Personality Disorders
Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
Spouses or partners of addicts or persons with personality disorders may be labeled "co-dependent." The idea is that the spouses seek out or choose an addict because they have a psychological "need" to fix a broken person. This is an unfair and untrue assumption.
Control
People with addictions and personality disorders tend to accuse others of being "controlling," particularly if er attempt to set boundaries to protect ourselves from their outrageous behavior.
Men and women advertise their availability for sexual flings on Craigslist. Our sexually addicted spouses may post photos of their penises in order to impress potential partners. You may be able to find evidence of your SA's addictive behavior online here.
Disease and Drug Free (DDF)
This acronym is used on dating sites to assure potential sex partners that they won't be exposed to STDs or other communicable diseases. The implication is that the DDF person has had comprehensive STD testing recently.
Depression
A structured confession done with a qualified therapist wherein the addict takes full responsibility for everything that he or she has done in the way of acting out sexually. In the disclosure, the Sex Addict makes a full written inventory of his sexual acting out, and then shares it with his partner.
Term used to describe those who no longer drink alcohol but in many ways behave like they were still in the midst of addiction. The dry drunk remains full of resentment and anger, rather than finding comfort or joy in sobriety.
Conscience
n inner feeling or voice viewed as acting as a guide to the rightness or wrongness of one's behavior. Persons with anti-social personality disorder generally do not have a conscience. Therefore, they do not feel guilty about their behavior, no matter how egregious.
Empathy
Being able to understand and deeply sympathize with another person's feelings. Persons with personality disorders usually are unable to empathize with anyone else's feelings.
Shielding the addict from the negative consequences of their behavior. Enabling may be done with the best of intentions or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action. The practical effect is that the addict avoids consequences and is under no pressure to change.
We used to call a woman who sold her body for sex a prostitute or whore. In many states, prostitution is against the law. Prostitutes get around this by advertising themselves as "escorts," hired to spend time with or give massages to "gentlemen." If you click on the link, you will find more information about how escorts circumvent the unlawfulness of prostitution.
The sex addict lives in fantasy. The sex addict has a sexual "play" (or multiple plays) in his head. When not acting out with others or with porn, he has it stored in fantasy. The fantasy—the play—gives the illusion that all desires have been met and that all cravings and desires have been satisfied.
The term comes from the movie Gaslight. It describes a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception or sanity. For example, an abuser may "gaslight" by denying that an event ever occurred. The victim believes the denial and buys into the idea that her recollection is faulty, and she is "crazy" or overreacting.
Grief:
A process
People with personality disorders (sociopath, narcissist, psychopath) typically lack true remorse, at least in the way that normal people experience it. Their "guilt" is something they either do not experience due to lack of conscience, or they have learned to take their guilt and blame someone else for causing it.
The High Conflict Person, as described by lawyer Bill Eddy, thinks negatively, avoids responsibility for problem or solutions, blames others, cannot reflect on his own behavior, has difficulty empathizing, has difficulty accepting loss, and is uncompromising. This type of person is notoriously difficult to deal with in divorce and custody proceedings.
Histrionic personality disorder
One of the Cluster B Personality disorders, characterized by onstantly seeking attention, Excessively emotional, dramatic or sexually provocative to gain attention, Speaks dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to back them up, Easily influenced by others, Shallow, rapidly changing emotions, Excessive concern with physical appearance, Thinks relationships with others are closer than they really are
The Lifestyle / The Alternative Lifestyle (ALT) / Swinging
Non-monogamous recreational sexual behavior by singles or partners, not limited to conventional sex with a person other than their regular sex partner. Swinging can take place at informal gatherings of friends or planned regular social meetings or meeting for hook-ups at a swinger's club. It can also involve Internet-based swinger social networking services online.
Monitoring:
Narcissistic personality disorder
One of the Cluster B Personality disorders, characterized by Belief that you're special and more important than others, Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness, Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings, Exaggeration of achievements or talents, Expectation of constant praise and admiration, Arrogance, Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others, Envy of others or belief that others envy you
NSA:
No Strings Attached. This is used on dating sites to indicate the desire for sexual encounters free of conditions, restrictions, costs, or any other obstacles. Men on these sites would like this to mean they don't have to pay for it and they don't want an ongoing relationship. Just free sex.
Personality Disorder:
PoSA = Partner of a Sex Addict
PTSD / Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
C-PTSD / Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
RTS / Rape Trauma Syndrome
SAI Trauma / Sex Addiction-induced Trauma
Recovery:
For the addict, recovery entails creating a new life in which the addictive activity is no longer a part. For the spouse, recovery means getting to a point where you can get on to living a satisfying and joyful life, without your thoughts being focused on the addict or his addictions.
Relapses or Slips:
A relapse is when a sober individual falls back into their former addiction. This differs from a slip, which is shorter and temporary. Slips and relapses are considered a "normal element" of the recovery process and do not wipe out recovery gains, but do negatively impact relationships.
Resentment:
Ritual:
SA = Sex Addict. A person who engages in compulsive sexual behavior.
SAC = Sexually Addicted/Compulsive. This is an alternate description for a sex addict.
Safe Sex = on hook-up sites, this generally means sex with a condom. (If you consider that "safe.")
Separation:
It is recommended that a couple separate while the SA undergoes treatment and to give the addict additional motivation to continue on the road to recovery.
Shame
Supposedly the sex addict is filled with shame, and imprisoned by this shame. For the spouses of addicts, we may think: yes of course! This is shameful behavior!
Sociopath (Anti-Social Personality Disorder)
Sponsor:
A 12-Step sponsor is another addict in recovery who is willing to share his or her journey with another addict. The sponsor is not professionally trained, and may or may not be successful himself in recovery.
Staggered Disclosure:
Discovering evidence of your partner's sexual addiction–or the Addict admitting behaviors–bit by bit instead of all at once.
STDs: Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
Supply (or Narcissistic Supply)
Trauma Model:
A recovery model which recognizes the partner of a sex addict as traumatized, not co-dependent. (See: PTSD / Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, C-PTSD / Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, RTS / Rape Trauma Syndrome, SAIT / Sex Addiction-induced Trauma)
Trigger (Trauma Trigger, Trauma Stimulus, Trauma Stressor)An experience that triggers a traumatic memory in someone who has experienced trauma. A trigger is thus a troubling reminder of a traumatic event, although the trigger itself need not be frightening or traumatic. Triggers can be subtle and difficult to anticipate, and can sometimes exacerbate post-traumatic stress disorder, a condition in which sufferers cannot control the recurrence of emotional or physical symptoms, or of repressed memory.
Zoloft: medication used to treat depression, menopause, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Also may help with addictions.
