Custody Battles
If your sex addict has a personality disorder, you can expect that he will not cooperate with divorce negotiations–custody or otherwise. For me, it was very difficult to accept this. I believed my uber-Catholic husband would acknowledge his sexual addiction was the cause of our divorce, and would play "fair." I believed he would support me in raising our children because I was a responsible and attentive stay-at-home mom.
I was naïve.
Here's my advice based on my experience of a five-year divorce nightmare and years of post-divorce hell.
1) Be quiet! Don't argue. Don't use divorce as a threat. Don't tip him off that you are considering divorce. Make sure you know what you are doing before you embark on this.
2) Arm yourself with information.
Divorce & Custody law in your state.
Gather financial information; be aware of all your shared assets... and debts.
Learn about personality disorder.
3) Talk to an attorney.
Before you file for divorce, I suggest you arm yourself for battle. Begin with information! I wish I had understood more about personality disorders BEFORE I filed for divorce. My counselor tried to warn me, but honestly I did NOT BELIEVE that the person I had believed was a loving spouse would be so absolutely cruel and hateful in a divorce that was necessary because of his egregious behavior.
To get an idea how hairy custody issues with a narcissist can get, read One Mom's Battle. Tina Swithin's story is spot on, and you can visit her website or her spin-off Facebook page to read the stories from other women dealing with custody issues with a narcissist.
Tina's primary concern was protecting her children from abuse. Your primary concerns may be different, but you can benefit from reading about Tina's journey and that of other men and women whose stories may be remarkably similar to yours.
I have read both of Tina's books. While there is a lot of repetition, these are absolutely worth reading.
Before considering custody issues, I think it's important to go back to some basic expectations with regards to narcissists.
You cannot make the narcissist happy no matter what you do.
Do not listen to or believe ANYTHING the narcissist says, whether it is a threat or what seems to be a friendly offer of any sort.
Don't expect or hope that the narcissist will change.
A narcissist will never negotiate. If it sounds like he's going to negotiate, you can be sure it is an attempt to manipulate. Proceed with caution.
Don't let the narcissist know what you really want, because a narcissist will do anything in his power to make sure you don't get it.
Don't confide in your kids, because it will inadvertently get back to him.
Don't be shocked or surprised if some of your children and your friends take the narcissist's "side."
If you look at that list, you will note that almost none of these observations include anything that you have any control over. The only things in your power are #5 and #6. You CAN control flow of information.
You may believe you can co-parent with a narcissist. Trust me, you cannot. You may be programmed to be honest and up front in your communications. You need to deprogram yourself. Reveal only what you are legally obliged to reveal to the narcissist. Research the laws in your state, and follow them. This isn't about what is fair or right. This is about understanding that HE will never do anything out of kindness or good will, so your only protections are legal. Know your legal protections... and your legal obligations.
Early on, my first attorney suggested that I make no big issues with regards to custody. She said, "I've seen fathers like this. I suspect that if you don't fuss about it, he will request to see the kids less and less. Let this take a natural course." This suggestion came at a time when he would occasionally tell me he was going to "go for full custody of the kids." This never failed to frighten me, though eventually I came to see that his threats–like his promises–were generally meaningless.
I suspect that if we could learn not to respond to perceived threats and do only what is legally required, we would be in better shape. The flip side of that is not to expect more protections from the law than what exist. Use the law wisely and for your benefit.
Expect threats and accusations. These are standard behavior for a narcissist. Disarm those threats by recognizing that they are empty.
Familiarize yourself with Gray Rock and No Contact.
Do you need a custody agreement?
Both my sister and I spent tens of thousands of dollars drafting legal custody agreements that our narcissists refused to sign. In the end, my attorney said to me, "You might as well just stop trying to get a custody agreement. Set a boundary of 30 days notice for visits, and say 'No' every time he is outside of that boundary. If he doesn't like the situation, let HIM take you to court."
If he decides to take me to court, I believe I will do a Tina Swithin and represent myself unless I feel I really need an attorney.
There are advantages to having no actual custody agreement: without one, he cannot accuse me of breaking it. He can't complain about me not filling him in on every medical or educational detail if there is no written agreement stating I must do this. Without a custody agreement, I don't have to do any of the driving. I don't have to meet him halfway or pick up the kids. If he wants them, he can come to get them.
The disadvantage is that there is no schedule of custody visits, so I cannot plan any of my time around him taking the kids.
Helpful suggestions on documenting messages and threats for your case
https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/
Recording, documenting and organizing communications
Digital recorder for audio and google docs - can be shared and accessed anywhere there’s WiFi
I screen shot texts and have a folder for emails
— I also keep a running ‘diary’ of issues or concerns that arise, I copy and paste relevant emails into that document
iMazing works well for iPhones. Dates stamps shows who it’s from in pdf form very easy to do and present. Love it! Application for computer, not app on phone.
I use a program called Anytrans to transfer my texts to my pc. It does it in pdf or html. It was $40 but it’s a one time fee
I also use decipher text. It's really easy for texts. Emails are easy enough to just print out the thread.
I use a call recorder app on my phone for calls. It saves them in an audio file. You just have to be diligent on keeping track of what the call included. Only thing i dislike is itll record every call so i go in every so often and delete those that are ones i don't need.
I screenshot my texts and paste as many as I can to fit a word document and print them, print emails and save recordings, ALL for the Attorney and Guardian Ad Litem. Judges don’t care, it’s the attorneys who can present what’s necessary to a judge and why its really important you keep them organized in your case! Remember, you are the only one who knows your story, attorneys don’t, so if you want to win your case, its important you organize the patterns of the concerns. Only stick to the fact-pattern so not to overwhelm these professionals. You can either two hole punch your patterns in the order of dates with dividers, or create a binder. No need to include your responses to the Narc to minimize all the lengthy email correspondences, because chances are he’s already printing them too. Just focus on your facts. And when you hand them to the attorneys, make sure you create a cover letter to walk them through the facts too as a guide! Make 3 copies, one for yourself to reference also, your attorney, and your kids guardian. You will be well respected for your efforts to save them time and saves you money and minimizes the headache. And make copies of your divorce/custody decrees and two hole punch those together separate. You want them to be able to lay them side by side, cover letter/court orders/fact-patterns. When I handed my materials to my kids Guardian, he well respected me and said that really helps him from having to go look for it. And as I handed him my materials, I expressed “This, is how much I’m fighting for my kids!” Lol (hence: I’m also going to school to become a paralegal too). Best advices I can give to keep you organized!
Also, keep in mind too...there are court rules too. Most of the time, we can’t go back into time of an old case until it reaches that point at a latter. Each time I’ve gone to court with my ex, I learned to only go as far back to where it left off after, for example “what happened AFTER the former Guardians findings of the current modifications, etc.?”This will help you minimize all that going back to old materials, until it would mandate to ever reach that point of concerns in a case.
My stbx tried this on me. In front of the judge he said this and she turned to me ready to chew me out, but I was able to say how in reality I was doing me best working with him before we had a temporary order. I did not feel comfortable with him taking the children but I met up w him 3 days a week in public places, and the public place was because he could not act appropriately in my home. She was ok w that answer and actually he lost credibility after that bc he was seeing them 3 days a week. Just don’t keep the kids from him, do your best to work with him before there’s an order.
There is a great book, "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare" by Shahadi Arabi. It was helpful to me in validating that the emotional/verbal abuse was real and damaging and gives powerful advice around helping you manage their barrage of insults. NPD's are always trying to pull their victims back in, she has great methods for not getting sucked back in, but the biggest thing I got out of it was that she truly gets it, never says "try to be nice for the sake of the kids..." or any of that bs that lawyers and courts tell us. Respond to only what is relevant- facts, not opinions. And have a few standard answers, like ' I'm sorry you feel that way', 'I can accept your faulty perception of me',' I have no right to control how you see me', 'I guess I have to accept that's how you feel', or my favorite 'Your anger is not my responsibility'. Also, make him call the school/doctor/coach directly when he blames you for a low grade or whatever. 'That is a concern the school is best equipped to address' or something like that. It takes a little time, but once they realize you will not take the bait and engage with him, they move on to someone else. Often it is the kids, modeling these boundaries to them is a powerful tool. We are all there with you, big hugs.
I agree with the Gray Rock method. Also, get yourself into therapy and read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. When you understand why he's doing what he's doing, then you'll know how to respond and shut it down.
Grey rock and work on healing yourself from the very real abuse and PTSD. NARP program from Melanie tonia Evans can be helpful. He won’t change but you can😊Just by modifying your thoughts about what he writes, you can have a less angry or desperate feeling. Example: instead of thinking “he is such an asshole” you can choose to think “blah blah blah just more of the same. What a pathetic loser“ Hopefully this will result in a more empowered feeling. He no longer deserves to ruin your day. Find a way to laugh at his pathetic attempts to bait you. You’ve got this momma!
They don’t all change, even with boundaries. I’m 10 years into firm boundaries. All I can do is control my reaction...which is nothing, usually. As alike as they are, it’s almost a little dangerous to paint them all with such a broad brush. The best plan is to yes, have boundaries, but you need a plan for yourself because you don’t want to have any knee-jerk reactions which would lead to further escalation. Only you can do that 🤷🏻♀️Narcissism, much like most all personality disorders, exists on a scale; they’re not all the same and you can’t treat them all the same.
Recently, what has helped me was seeing my ex with a mental illness...which is true. And that mental illness is what spawns all the garbage coming from them. So I no longer feel the massive urge to prove them wrong cause that will do nothing, and while i am still nervous for custody exchanges mostly because i don't know which version of them I am going to get, it has helped me keep generally calm. The crap they spew is on them and remembering that is not me and isn't it sad they have this mental issue.
Basically means only email and barely communicate, essentially
It’s as if he’s not even there.
You need some no contact to heal and become calm again.
Do NOT feel bad at all if you block him.
With exception of email.
Keep snapshots of all his threats and tomfluppery because if Judge ever asks you.. you say NO Your Honour. NO I will not communicate because of this. I can email only and very sparsely.
Harassment Restraining order.
Minnesota. All I had to do was file the paperwork. My ex did ask for a court date, so we went to court and I included text messages of him calling me names swearing at me and degrading me. The judge ruled that it was harassment and ordered that for two years all contact needs to be civil, in writing or recorded. This was not filed as part of our divorce/custody case. I was advised to go this route by my lawyer.
Some also find it helpful to only read emails at a certain time or a certain place. Grounding exercises- 5 deep breaths even- before reading the emails may be helpful. Reading them when you have the time to process, to cry, scream, laugh or have whatever reaction feels right. If you get notifications on your phone that a new message is on 2Houses, turning off the notifications is always an option. You can message him that you will only be checking emails at certain times (don't give details as to when) and stick to that.
Best way to respond to them on all emails messages is.... 'Read and acknowledge' this way the X cannot complain in court that you are not responding, this will piss them of, because it can not start an argument, plus the courts will be ok with this response.
Good luck.
A wise woman once told me when I have to communicate with him, speak to him as if he is a mental patient at the psych ward. As soon as he starts to divert from the topic of your child(ren), interrupt his interrogation/insults and excuse yourself from the call, even if that means just hanging up the phone without saying a word. Only answer questions directly related to your child(ren) with a simple "yes" or "no". Let him know that emails are screened by a 3rd party (give a friend access to your email & have them check it). No texts allowed=block. Remember your duty is to stick to JADE = NO Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining....which means very little communicating with him.
"Your texts are currently being screened by a third party. As the content of your text was not appropriate it has not been passed on." It works like a charm. I only communicate with him vis text or email. I have a similar thing for emails. I don't have a 3rd party but he doesn't know that.
He seems to have a total power over you. Every word he uses to belittle you to which you react by feeling worthless, is a piece of your power you give to him. Each and every word of his which is targeted at your emotions and feelings is a piece of YOUR own power you cede to him. Can you imagine in how many pieces has your power been broken? But you can reclaim your power and it's not difficult. If you are located in the US, which I guess you are, I'd recommend finding an archetype consultant, possibly certified from Carline Caroline Mysshttps://www.myss.com/archetype-readings/ It's a method to heal your soul and to regain your power. It's a very fast healing from HCP-caused trauma. I wouldn't be surprised your he has a vampire archetype.
I did the exact same thing and asked my lawyer to write a proposal for a Parenting Coordinator. This has really put the brakes on manipulation. I've also found that the less that I react, the less thrill it gives him. Know your truths. If you must answer, do so but do it with the following acronymn: BIFF: Brief Informative Friendly Firm. For me it's gotten better with each day that I do not feed him the reaction he wants.
Keep to the point. Very brief. Be firm and confident.
I say things like “you have not handed x over and You know very well this is acting unilaterally”.
When he starts, I tell him he is NOT the victim.
Always sign of with kind regards
It’s taken me a year to get to this. Don’t let him get inside your head xx
