The 5th Year: Moving Forward
I can't believe it has been five years.
On the morning of the five year anniversary of Discovery, I was driving in a rainstorm and pointed to the blue sky in the distance, reassuring the kids, "See, where we're headed, there's sunshine." That's what the past year has been like: driving through the pouring rain toward that patch of sunlight.
I am finally divorced. For better or for worse, a settlement was reached and signed at the last hour. The week prior, my ex communicated through the attorneys that he would not settle. Thus, I spent $6,000 on preparations for the hearing. When the ex arrived, he had decided he wanted to settle.
To date, my legal costs have been over $51,000. I pay for this, despite the fact that he admitted fault in the divorce. I received no "support" to cover these expenses.
What I learned from my 3.5 year divorce is that The Legal System isn't fair. I clung to the idea that it would be fair and that it would protect me and my special needs children. I know now that hoping or demanding that the system be fair only leads to stress and heartache.
A wage earner has the advantage. A stay at home mom is at a disadvantage. The partner who does the least amount of legal work and causes the most delays wins. There is no penalty for the delays. There is no penalty for purjery or false information. There is no increase in support payments to cover legal costs caused by the wage earner.
Most of my divorce benefits are contingent on my remaining single. If my cheating ex remarries, he loses nothing. But if I remarry, I lose significantly. This bothers me, and occasionally makes me angry.
If I cohabitate, I lose my alimony, which is significant. His cheating for a decade costs him nothing, but for me to have a committed relationship after divorce would mean a financial loss for me.
If I remarry before age 55, I lose my military Survivor Benefits Plan, which ensures I continue to receive my portion of his pension if he dies. It's life insurance for my kids!
If I ever remarry, I lose my military health insurance and half his social security payments at retirement. I earned those benefits!
The house is up for sale. I'm actively looking for a new house. As I prepare to move, I am more aware than before that this physical house – with 17 years of memories – has been an albatross around my neck for at least three years. I stayed here for the well-being of the kids, but probably at a cost to me. This house which I once enjoyed is depressing!
On the other hand, in all the turbulence of this painful year, there has been the constancy of my relationship with my significant other.
I pray that God will lead me where I need to go, because it's so hard for me to know.