1 Denial
This can't be happening, not to me.
I feel fine. I can even laugh about it. Ha. Ha.
When I think back to this time, I can see the denial more clearly. I was denying I was in denial when I was in denial!
Two days after discovery, I posted a single word on Facebook: shattered
The following day I wrote:
The power of forgiveness is an amazing thing. Possible only through God.
The next day... Rebuilding is a process.
And the day after that... Creating the new bond of trust ... that's what we're working on.
So before I even had full details of my husband's addiction, before he had 'fessed up, came clean with a disclosure, before we had seen a counselor... I was working on forgiveness. That was my level of denial. "I can't deal with this, so I will just forgive him and everything will be okay."
I truly believed–automatically–that he would never cheat again, and that the biggest hurdle here was for me to forgive. And I did. Immediately. I was back to having unprotected sex with him days after discovery... perhaps for my own comfort, perhaps to try to ensure he wouldn't have reason to stray again. I was proud of myself for being so understanding and empathetic.
All of that is denial!
In that time period, I wrote to a friend:
"Many thoughts are spinning around in my head. It is extremely hard to separate and to focus. There is a desire to hold him accountable, balanced with the realization that to reveal him would be to put the kids and myself in a terrible position. There is an evaluation of whether I could make it financially without him. There is fury over his suddenly taking the enjoyment out of MY sex life by doing this. There is compassion toward him, realizing very quickly that the root of this was his own self hatred. There is fear that he will attempt to kill himself. There is doubt that he will ever be fixed. There is hope that all things are possible with God. And then there is exhaustion thinking of how much effort it will take to get through this with him."
My husband and I made a list of things we had to do immediately, including SafeEyes on the computer, his surrendering his cash card, our praying & reading scripture & meditation together nightly. We agreed to go to counseling – individual and couple.
I began reading books by Debra Laaser and Patrick Carnes. The “co-dependent” label chafed at me, and I was pretty vocal about that.
Within the first month, we both got tested for STDs. (At least he claimed he did.)
Also, in that first month, his brother revealed that he had been aware of the sexual addiction eight years earlier, but didn't tell me. This meant my husband was caught in yet another lie: he claimed the escort services had started only three years earlier.
You would think at this point it might dawn on me that this man was a pathological liar. No. I was still in denial.
The reason his lies went undetected for such a long time is because not only did I "buy" the facáde he created, I helped create it.
This is what I wrote:
I have experienced numbness, sadness, hopelessness and anger. I have been outwardly reasonable.
When I cry, he has to listen.
I have tread lightly with vocalizing anger to him as I have concerns with regard to his depression and suicide risk. (Oldest brother committed suicide at age 30 after bipolar behavior & drug use.)
I have said I want to make the marriage work and my goal is a happy marriage with two equal partners.
He has shown remorse, accepted responsibility. He stopped drinking immediately and has attended 3 AA meetings and 2 SA meetings. Agrees with me that this is sexual addiction as well as alcoholism.
Says he does not believe the two are connected (as in that the infidelity did not occur because he was intoxicated).
He has not gone for counseling. Did not reveal truth about either alcoholism or sexual addition in prior individual counseling 3 years ago. (Shame, guilt, thought he could solve it himself.)
He is not “diving into” either reading or meetings. He often seems listless.
He says he understands it will take years for me to regain trust.
I have been corresponding with two friends who have had husbands with sexual addictions. I have not told close friends or family what is going on.
I have done my best to help him so far – I recognize this goes back to a lousy childhood with parents fighting all the time and a lack of self-esteem. I want to be supportive, but I also don’t want to be responsible for his recovery. I want HIM to be in charge of his recovery.
I am willing to forgive him. The bottom line for me is that he has to address his issues (mostly for himself, not for me) so that he can be an authentic, satisfied individual. If he is not willing to WORK toward solving the basic self-esteem issue, then I don’t want to invest any more time into this relationship.
I want to go back to the sentences in bold. Do you see how quickly I was ready to say he has "accepted responsibility." Wow. That's major denial. He never really accepted responsibility. I was so used to accepting his meaningless apologies, I truly didn't know what honest communication should be like.
I made the mistake so many of us do: I was willing to believe what he said instead of looking at his behavior. I wanted so desperately to BELIEVE what he said, I made his fantasy my reality.