I do not consider a pastor to be a qualified counselor, but I do believe if you're a person of faith, it's a good idea to bring this "situation" to his or her attention.
Keep in mind, it is likely that your sexually addicted spouse was a victim of some form of abuse as a child. You may even discover–as I did–that the abuse came at the hands of a pastor or priest.
At any rate, this journey of recovery for you will likely include a re-evaluation of your spiritual/religious beliefs, your understanding of commitment, monogamy, truth, and sacrament. If you have a trusted spiritual adviser or guide in your life, open a discussion, and see how they react.
Your sex addict will need a qualified psychotherapist to guide him in getting a range of treatments, facing his addiction and the pain it has caused, addressing unresolved childhood issues, and hopefully reprogramming his brain from the need to get high off risky sex. He may need treatment for mood and personality disorders. None of this guarantees his risky behaviors will end.
You're going to need an experienced therapist to address your shock (possibly PTSD), your grief, your eventual anger (which may not surface until later), and your questions about his behavior.
The two of you will need couples counseling to guide you through rebuilding trust in the marriage, if that is even possible.
You need to find professionals who have knowledge and experience dealing with sexual addiction. How do you find one? Of course, you can search the web. You might ask your pastor or your friends. Initially, you probably won't want to talk about it with anyone! So I would suggest starting with your OB/gyn or nurse practitioner.
Use your OB/Gyn as a resource
Your OB/gyn is likely to have seen this problem before. While you're getting comprehensive STD testing, do not be embarrassed to ask if your OB/gyn has any recommendations for an experienced, qualified therapist specializing in sexual addictions.
My OB/gyn nurse practitioner was, indeed, able to recommend a therapist who worked with me for over 10 years. I cannot express my gratitude for her wonderful support and guidance.
https://thefindingplacecounseling.com/what-is-a-certified-sex-addiction-therapist-csat/
I admit knowing very little about this, but I see that this credential is based on training by Patrick Carnes. (I'm not 100% Team Carnes.) I frankly see most programs for sexual addiction as being too sympathetic to the addict and too little empathy for the traumatized spouse. BUT I'm hoping things have changed in the past 15 years since I began searching for support.
According to the website:
"CSATs are experts, uniquely qualified to treat clients with sexual addiction."
"To earn full CSAT credentials, therapists must first be master’s-level clinicians. Then they must complete the CSAT certification process, which is broken into two parts. First, therapists must complete four one-week-long training sessions at the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). These sessions have been designed by Dr. Patrick Carnes, the founder of the field of sexual addiction therapy and recovery, and focus on correctly evaluating and treating sexual addiction. After completing this specialized training, each CSAT candidate must then complete 30 supervised hours of sexual addiction therapy to become fully certified."
"The most important quality of a CSAT is their ability to make a client struggling with sexual addiction feel safe by not shaming, judging, or reacting in shock. Because CSATs regularly work with sexual addiction clients, they have heard it all."
It appears that CSATs recognize that partners are "wounded and traumatized ... leaving you with symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)." As soon as they start talking "co-dependent," I tune out.
I am interested in hearing a partner's reaction to counseling with a CSAT.
In short, counseling is "talk therapy" to address a specific presently-occurring problem and finding a solution for it.
Psychotherapy considers overall patterns, chronic issues and recurrent feelings. It requires an openness to exploring the past and it impact on the present.
For a good explanation of the differences, click here.
You know you have a terrific therapist when:
after the first few sessions, she's giving you keen insights into your situation.
you can disagree with her assessment, and she adjusts.
she guides you on your own timeline without telling you what to do.
she suggests articles, books and other resources.
she guides you through anger therapy, even if you are afraid to go there.
she doesn't waste time talking about herself.
Find a different counselor or therapist if:
you do not feel supported.
you feel blamed or labeled as a co-dependent without exhibiting any co-dependent behaviors.
emphasis is placed on your sex addict's "shame" rather than the pain he has inflicted on other people.
the counselor indicates you just need to pray harder and forgive.
you hear a lot about marriage being a permanent sacrament that cannot be broken.
Find a therapist who follows the Trauma Model, not the Co-Dependent Model of treatment. That is, you want a therapist who understands you have suffered trauma as the partner of a porn or sexual addict, and you may need guidance in dealing with a form of PTSD. You are not necessarily a co-dependent who needs a 12-Step Program yourself.
Your therapist should acknowledge that you can expect your addict to slip. It is unrealistic to think that your sex addict will not relapse into prostitution, affairs, porn, sexting, secretive behaviors, lying, blaming, and anger at times in the future. You will need to be equipped to deal with this reality, rather than expecting these behaviors to end entirely. Your therapist should be looking out for your safety and your best interests, not be invested in saving the marriage or saving the addict. YOU need support for YOUR recovery. He needs to get support for his recovery.
You will need to do some research and a pre-interview to determine what kind of training and attitudes a therapist has.
Unfortunately, in spite of studies showing that 70% of wives of sex addicts meet the criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), most sex addiction counselors are still working from the co-addict model.
The co-addict model says a person who is married to a sex addict is sick, out of control, addicted to their spouse, and implies she is partially to blame for his behavior, simply because she chose to marry him, even though the vast majority of the time she did not even know he was an addict.
Symptoms of PTSD have been shown to mimic symptoms of co-addiction, but still most therapists are sticking to this outdated model which is doing great harm to partners. So does that mean there is no hope in finding a good counselor to help a woman whose world has been turned upside down by the discovery of her husband’s pornography or sexual addiction? No. But it may prove to be more challenging than it should be. Below are some tips I hope you will find helpful in finding a counselor who will offer you the validation and guidance you need and deserve.
You can click the title above to read an entire article by Ella Hutchinson written in 2013 and updated to 2024. Ella is the wife of a sex addict in recovery, and they have apparently (at least at this writing) started a new organization for therapists who subscribe to the Trauma Model.
Here's what I consider the highlights of Ella's article:
1. Read the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. This will educate you on the sex-addiction induced trauma model. Then call around to therapists and ask if they are familiar with the book and subscribe to what it teaches.
2. If they say yes, and many will, probe further. Ask if they use the term co-addict to label partners of sex addicts, especially before they have even met them. (You can often find this on their website, which will help you rule out many therapists quickly.)
If they do sometimes diagnose clients as co-sex addict, and hopefully they don’t, ask if they evaluate them first or if that is the name they give all partners of sex addicts. Do they refer partners to COSA, S-Anon, or any other 12 step meetings? (Hopefully not.) If so, how often and why? 12 step meetings are almost always for addicts and codependent family members of addicts.
Many partners of addicts (such as drug addicts and alcoholics) do enable addictive behavior, turn a blind eye, allow their children to be put in harm’s way by not protecting them from the addict, etc. Some partners of sex addicts fit these criteria. But most partners had no idea their spouse was a sex addict for many years. They may have sensed something was not right, but had no way to prove what it was. Sex addiction is arguably the easiest addiction to hide, and addicts are very good liars and manipulators. You shouldn’t be told something is wrong with you because you didn’t know.
3. Check out the website PartnerTraumaSpecialists.org. This is the website for the fairly new organization, the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS), of which I am a board member. At this time there are only a small number of counselors listed here. However, we have our first training coming up in June 2013, which will provide in depth training to therapists and coaches on treating partners from the sex addiction-induced trauma model. Trainings will be offered all over the country at least twice a year. As counselors complete the training and the required supervision hours to become certified in treating partners, their names will be added to the website.
4. Don’t be afraid to educate your therapist. Ask them to read the aforementioned book. Plead with them to participate in the APSATS training. They can read all about it on the website mentioned above and register there as well. The APSATS certification will not only give them the ability to offer partners of sex addicts better treatment, but it will make them highly marketable.
Since the release of the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, partners have been desperate to find professionals who work from this model. E-mails are pouring in asking for referrals to therapists who have been trained by APSATS. Once a therapist or life coach receives the certification their name and information will be listed on the APSATS website. Please help spread the word about this training. All are welcome to attend, even if they are not a clinician. Pastors and others in the ministry, as well as other helping professionals, will benefit as well. APSATS is a non-profit organization dedicated to the professional training and certification, public education, research and advocacy for treatment of sex addiction- induced trauma.
5. If your husband is in recovery and you both want to stay married, ask if they support simultaneous couple’s and individual counseling. Many will say that you should both focus only on yourselves for the first several months or more and then deal with the marriage. In some cases, such as when the addict is very resistant to treatment or when he is abusive, this might be the best course of action. But most of the time, when an addict is highly motivated for recovery, you both will greatly benefit from marriage counseling which focuses on the effects of the sex addiction on the marriage. Addicts should be taught how to empathize and support his traumatized wife. Couples need guidance in how to interact with each other, set boundaries, and handle triggers early in recovery.
6. Ask the counselor what their opinion is on clinical disclosure. Sometimes referred to as therapeutic disclosure, full disclosure, or healthy disclosure, this is a crucial component in recovery for both the partner and the addict and for the marriage. Ask the therapist when they think clinical disclosure should be done, how much detail their disclosure includes, if you will be allowed to ask whatever questions you want, and if a polygraph test will be included. Ideally, for the couple who is working to save their marriage, clinical disclosure should be done very early in recovery (within one to three months).
Secrets fuel the addiction and prevent healing for the partner. After all, how can you heal when you don’t know exactly what you need to heal from? Addicts will almost always continue to lie about past behaviors, even while in recovery, while promising you that you know everything, without a full clinical disclosure (therapist guided) with polygraph to motivate them to be completely honest.
With some guidance from your therapist, you should be allowed to ask whatever questions you like during the disclosure. Important caveat: Your primary therapist does not have to be the one to do your disclosure. Many good sex addiction therapists don’t have training in clinical disclosure (ask this), don’t understand how to conduct a partner-friendly disclosure, or don’t use polygraph. Read on to learn about other options for disclosure.
7. Consider phone or Skype counseling or coaching sessions. Check out ComfortChristianCounseling.com which offers phone or Skype counseling/coaching sessions and/or support group that supports the trauma model and do not label you a co-sex addict.