Financial Fears
As I considered whether to stay married to a sex addict, separate or to file for divorce, financial considerations played a big part.
I, unfortunately, believed three things that were not true:
My sex addicted husband actually loved me, recognized what he had done to break trust and therefore destroy the marriage, and out of love would insure my financial security.
My husband loved his children, and would be concerned about the best interests of the children.
The law would protect me, and ensure that my children continued to enjoy the same standard of living after divorce as they did before.
As I have navigated divorce for the past three years, these are lessons I have learned.
Divorce cannot be "negotiated" with a person who is mentally ill. If your sexually addicted spouse is either Borderline or Narcissistic, once he decides you are the Enemy, he will do everything he can to make you miserable.
Divorce costs money. If you don't have money for a divorce, you're in a pickle.
If one partner does not want to divorce, he can delay the divorce for years.
The more delays, the more costly.
Laws tend to protect the person who earns the money, not the stay-at-home parent who takes care of the children.
The person who has the money may have good reason to delay the divorce.
The date of separation is important. You THINK it's the date of divorce, but it's not. So your spouse can get away with minimal support through the separation, sock away a bunch of dough, and it all belongs to him, because only the assets at separation count.
What to do to protect yourself?
Make sure you have access to all financial records. You may have to hunt through paper and computer files when he is not home.
If accounts have online access (bank, mortgage, credit cards), make sure you have your own access to those accounts. I found that things like mortgage, with both names are on it, each person can have his own log-in and access. Make sure YOU HAVE your access.
Check with your bank, and see what your rights are in terms of your joint bank accounts.
Become informed about laws regarding divorce, separation, custody and support in your state.
Become informed about all special circumstances regarding the marriage and family, including military service, your rights to his pension and social security, children with special needs, money you brought into the marriage, financial support you gave towards his education, money he may have blown on his addiction, etc.
Document EVERYTHING. I cannot stress this enough.
Create a comprehensive budget and an assets list.
Try to get him to go to mediation early on.
