Pathological Lies
When you start communicating with spouses of sex addicts, one of the common complaints is that the sex addict is a compulsive, pathological liar. And, after years of successful lying, he is probably very good at it.
The excellent article (below) on lying by David Sack was posted on PsychCentral.com. Everything mentioned here is true to my personal experience, except one: I disagree that "support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous ... replace the automatic response – lies – with rigorous honesty and making amends. In these groups, peers hold addicts accountable for their lies and encourage them to face the unpleasant truth about themselves without shame or blame."
Support groups are only as good as their volunteer leadership. In my experience, a 12-Step Group may not hold sex addicts accountable for their lies, but instead encourage their self-pity. 12-Step Groups for sex addicts often talk about Shame as a bad thing that should be avoided. I personally think that an addict, particularly one with a personality disorder, NEEDS to recognize shame and use it as a positive motivator to avoid falling back into the addiction. But hey, I'm no expert.
12-Step Groups do not consider underlying personality disorders. It also bothers me that they don't seem to discuss anything beyond the AA 12-Steps. I think sexual addiction–commonly having roots in childhood sexual abuse–has to address the damage that has been done to the addict in the past, as well as how to repair the damage the addict has done to his own personal relationships. I've seen more emphasis on avoiding shame than in accountability for the real trauma the addict has inflicted on others.
Addicts tell lies more often than they tell the truth. “I’m not hurting anyone.” “I can stop any time.” Deception becomes so second nature, addicts will lie even when it’s just as easy to tell the truth. Many don’t even realize they’re fibbing or that other people see through the façade. Living a double life is exhausting, so why do addicts lie?
#1 To Preserve Their Addiction
An addict will do whatever is necessary to maintain their addiction. If they acknowledged the seriousness of the problem or the harm they’re causing themselves and others, they would be hard-pressed to continue this way of life. Their logic, whether conscious or unconscious, is: I need [sex], and I need lies to keep people off my back so I can continue [compulsive sex]. Thus, lying becomes a matter of self-preservation. Anything, or anyone, that is going to hinder their [sex] habit has no place in the addict’s life.
#2 To Avoid Facing Reality
Addiction reorganizes the addict’s world and consumes their identity so that the person becomes unrecognizable to themselves and others. Since the truth is too painful to face, the addict constructs an alternate reality where [compulsive sex] isn’t a problem and the addict is doing exactly what other people want and hope for them. They say they’ve been clean for weeks when, in truth, they [jacked off, viewed porn or screwed a prostitute] just a few hours ago. They say they landed a great new job when they’re actually dirt poor and homeless.
#3 To Avoid Confrontation
Loved ones rarely sit idly by as an addict self-destructs. They ask questions, get angry and inevitably wonder, “If you love me, why do you keeping making choices that hurt me?” The stress of interpersonal conflict can be overwhelming for an addict. Without mature coping skills, addicts may do or say whatever it takes to avoid that disappointed look in their loved ones’ eyes or the contemptuous tone in their voice. Or they may become increasingly defensive, dishing out complaints of their own in an attempt to draw attention away from their addiction and toward the other person’s vulnerabilities.
#4 They Are in Denial
Even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, denial compels the addict to disavow their problem and ignore the consequences of their behavior. Although denial can serve a valuable protective function, allowing people to process information and come to terms with it, in addiction denial can become pervasive. For example, addicts may truly believe that their family and friends have become the enemy or that their addiction is not only an acceptable but necessary part of their life. The disease uses denial and other sophisticated defenses, such as rationalization, projection and intellectualization, to ensure its survival.
#5 They Believe They’re Different
If the addict acknowledges that [compulsive sex has] become a problem but wants to continue, they must convince themselves that they are the exception to the rule. The delusion that “I’m not like the others, I can handle it” allows the addict to live outside normal standards of behavior.
#6 They Feel Ashamed
In sober moments, addicts may feel extreme shame, embarrassment and regret. Unable to work through these emotions, addicts cope in the only way they know how: by [acting out with more compulsive behavior]. To keep up appearances, they paint a picture of themselves to others that is far more flattering than the reality.
#7 Because They Can
Sometimes friends and family match the addict’s denial with an unhealthy dose of their own. They turn a blind eye to worrisome behaviors and make excuses for the addict because the truth is simply too painful or they’ve tolerated as much suffering as they can bear. Loved ones who ignore, enable or rescue send the message that lying is acceptable, thus perpetuating the addiction.
No More Lies
Lies are a root cause of the isolation most addicts experience, as well as the anger and disillusionment loved ones often feel. While loved ones can’t force an addict out of denial, there are steps they can take to illuminate the realities:
Recognize that lies fulfill a purpose for the addict and are not a personal affront. As frustrating as they can be, lies are a common part of the disease.
While it is important to understand the purpose of the lies, it is equally important to push past them. The lies are keeping your loved one trapped in addiction. In some cases, addicts are forced to face reality by hitting rock bottom, but loved ones can help “raise the bottom” by staging an intervention, refusing to enable or rescue, contacting a therapist or addiction treatment program, and pointing out negative consequences in real time (e.g., after a driving under the influence charge).
If you catch the addict in a lie, don’t look the other way. Letting them know what you see will help them face the consequences of their actions.
Create a supportive environment that facilitates honesty rather than engaging in a power struggle or making threats. The lying will stop when the addict feels safe telling the truth and has the support they need to get well.
Encourage involvement in support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, which replace the automatic response – lies – with rigorous honesty and making amends. In these groups, peers hold addicts accountable for their lies and encourage them to face the unpleasant truth about themselves without shame or blame.
It’s true, addicts lie. And while the lies can’t be ignored, they are actually a distraction from the real problem–the underlying issues that contribute to addiction–and a diversion from the solution: finding a path to recovery. Only by breaking through denial and seeing the truth can the addict begin to heal.
David Sack, M.D., is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and addiction medicine. He is CEO of Elements Behavioral Health, a network of mental health and addiction treatment centers that includes Promises, The Ranch, The Recovery Place, The Sexual Recovery Institute, Right Step, Clarity Way, Journey Healing Centers and Lucida Treatment Center.
The most consternating issue in dealing with a sex addict is the constant lies which he truly seems to believe! It's crazy-making. The lying may connected to the underlying personality disorder. A hallmark of Narcissism is how the story changes to fit the moment.
Recognizing that you are dealing with a pathological liar is a huge step in your own ability to recover. There are no magic words you can choose to get him to accept truth and reason.
As the article below says, his consistent measurable BEHAVIOR must match his WORDS. Otherwise, his lies become your "verbal reality."
Posted on McKinney Counseling & Recovery Website on March 7, 2012
The partner or wife a of a recovering sex addict is frequently confused by the apparently sincere promises to change from the addict in her life, promises that often don’t materialize. Of course, promises aren’t the only time the partner faces this same dilemma; she can be equally bewildered by her recovering sex addict’s report of his recovery status or response to the most mundane of questions.
The partner is confused by her instincts, which in the moment of the promise tells her that he is sincere in his intentions and that the signs of intentional deception are absent, even though the history of broken promises and chain of lies would suggest otherwise. The partner may think to herself, “Something in his story doesn’t seem quite right, but he seems so earnest” or “If he was going to purposefully lie, wouldn’t he create a more plausible answer?” Is it that recovering sex addicts are Oscar caliber actors? Or pathological liars incapable of change, even when trying to recover? I know some of you are screaming, “Yes!”
My experience working with recovering sex addicts, however, tells me otherwise. George Costanza understands this reason, and if you can understand it you can avoid getting caught in the web of lies. It works like this – if your recovering sex addict buys his own bull, it’s not a lie. Patrick Carnes, considered by some as the foremost expert on pornography and sexual addiction, considers this a form of self-delusion. A delusion is something believed to be true, that is actually false. Recovery for your addict, then, is the process of progressively moving from self-delusion into reality.
Sex addiction recovery expert Doug Weiss, refers to the addict’s ability to believe what he is saying while he is saying it as operating from a verbal reality. The sex addict believes what he is saying, while he is saying it. Since his words were truthful when he was saying them, he is speaking the truth. To him, the truth is in the words. Following through on those promises using actual behavior as the hallmark of truth isn’t necessary for him.
Getting sucked into the addict’s verbal reality is like being trapped in a spider’s web for the partner. Some, who note the addict’s seeming emotional sincerity and his passionate arguments about the truth of his words, cautiously decide to believe. Others, who have been burned too many times before, decide they can never again believe the addict’s words; therefore, trust can never be regained.
When you accept the premise that your addict deludes himself into believing his verbal reality, it’s understandable that he comes across as believable to you. If you decide to accept the verbal reality, you do so at the cost of ignoring that part of you that whispers, “Something isn’t quite right.” If you decide to go this route, how will you do this? Through self-delusion. Consequently, you will be unable to establish and maintain the boundaries needed to communicate clear recovery limits with your addict, foster your own healing, or repair your relationship.
If you decide to close off your heart you also fail to establish boundaries that hold the addict accountable while also reinforcing recovery gains. You may believe you are playing it safe and avoiding further pain. But not believing what is in fact true is also a form of self-delusion that deprives you of healing and destroys any chance of restoring the relationship.
So what do you use instead of the verbal reality to determine truth? BEHAVIOR! To avoid the web, believe the behavior, not the words.
If the words and measurable, observable behavior match up, consistently, across time – that is truth. Recovery from sex addiction is not about wishful thinking, on either his part or yours. If he says he’s in recovery you will see the recovery behaviors- he will go to his therapy, attend his Twelve Step groups, do written work, make recovery calls, and eventually be able to be the mate you deserve.
If you don’t see the behavior and words match up, don’t lie to yourself that they have. Remember if you say you’re holding him accountable when you really aren’t, if you say you want truth but you ignore it – that is not his verbal reality, it’s yours!
This meme has a few choice words... but I like the general idea.
