Book: Your Sexually Addicted Spouse
by Barbara Steffens, Ph.D., LPCC, and Marsha Means, MA (2009)
My comments
This book was definitely in the "right direction" because it looks at me as a person who has been traumatized, not as a co-addict. It also encourages empowerment.
I was, however, somewhat distressed by some of the stories from wives in the later chapters of the book. Wives who had stayed with a sexually addicted husband for years or even decades after discovering the addiction. In many cases they stayed despite relapses. Stayed despite fear and lack of trust in their marriage.
I was left wondering, "Why would any woman put herself through that martyrdom?" It did help me to realize, I didn't want that to be ME.
Excerpts
Unlike most books written for partners or sex addicts, this book is not written to help you understand the addict and his or her addiction. Rather, it is written to help you survive, recover and thrive, no matter what your partner does with his or her addiction.
... Nowhere between these covers will you encounter information that automatically labels you a co-addict or a codependent.
...we categorize your pain, confusion, distress, reactions and fear a natural responses to trauma. ... our deepest desire is to help you understand how you have been wounded and most likely traumatized so that you can bravely begin to heal.
...
As you look at the stages of healing, remember only you–with perhaps the aid of your counselor if you have one–can determine where you are in your healing process. Wherever you now are in your journey to healing, we encourage you to continue your emotional processing and grieving, remembering that you will know when the pain has lost its power and you are free to move on.
Acknowledge and process your feelings
Acknowledge and grieve your losses and the consequences they produced in your life
For some, face and adapt to separation or divorce
Alter your attachment to what you've lost, let it go and say goodbye
Develop resiliency
...
What Empowerment Isn't
Empowerment is not trying to control others
Empowerment is not about getting our own way
Empowerment is not selfish or self-centered
What Empowerment Is
"Self-empowerment is about becoming powerful," says Marcia Chellis, author of Ordinary Women, Extraordinary Lives, "It is a process to use for overcoming any barrier. it is a way to achieve personal success, a way to handle challenging circumstances, a way to make your life work."
Six Ingredients of Empowerment
Healthy boundaries
Maintaining solid grounding
Self-awareness, impersonal energy and executive awareness
Healthy communications skills
Healthy conflict management skills
Reframing ourselves as survivors rather than as victims
Comments from a sexually addicted husband
The woman I had been married to for nineteen years–the woman I had two children with and shared thousands of hours with–she was laying there in pain and agony, and all I could think about was me. Did I apologize? Sure, but I didn't really mean the words. They were just words. My thoughts hadn't changed on the subject, so why would the behavior change? I thought I was justified. My friends tried to tell me to clean up my act, but I didn't want to hear it. I was the master of my domain.
Six months ago my wife decided that she didn't want me anymore. She had been betrayed one to many times and didn't want any more of my kicks in the stomach. ...
My divorce will be final soon. God is on my throne, not me. My pride is gone. I am broken. I have repented. I have not only apologized to my wife, I also meant the words I spoke to her. Today I suffer the consequences of my actions and I have no one to blame but me. The lessons I needed to learn have been painful. But in the end my pain does not compare to the pain I put my wife through.
Today my future is cloudy. I love my wife and want another chance, but she may never be able to give me one. Yet I'm hopeful that in time she will see my heart change and she will give me a chance to cherish her the way I should have all of those nineteen years. And I hope that she can realize that when I sent outside the marriage it had nothing to do with her. She's beautiful; she's young; she's wonderful. The reason I went outside of the marriage was me. I learned that behavior prior to our wedding, and I continued it throughout our marriage. My wish for all the women out there who read this is for you to understand that what he's done is not your fault.
...
The sex addict speaks to the wives of sex addicts:
You didn't do anything to cause this. It isn't your fault.
Be as truthful as you can about our anger and pain.
Hold him responsible, but you can't fix him.
It's okay to grieve the loss.
The sex addict speaks to the husbands who are sex addicts:
Suck it up and take responsibility for your behaviors.
Quit lying to yourself that no one is being hurt. Even in the secret, there is a barrier, a lie between you and your wife.
Become truthful, to an excess.
Open up your life, be accountable.
After you work on the behaviors, start working on the underlying problems.
