2 Bargaining
His addiction isn't as bad as some of the others I've read about.
I know I can fix this. I just have to be more patient and more forgiving.
I read extensively about sexual addiction. I read a ton of books on how I could forgive my spouse, support him in his recovery, and address my own "codependency." I was sure I could fix the marriage. Gosh, I could make my marriage better than it used to be!
I felt sorry for my poor husband, the victim, and he encouraged this. He had horrible parents! A priest had gotten him drunk and sodomized him less than six months after his mother died in 1982! I had always taken responsibility for everything at home; maybe I'd taken away his manliness! I was willing to fault myself. I was willing to forgive him.
In my mind, my husband was "not as bad" as other sex addicts.
He said he had "only" done this seven times. (Lie.)
He said he had "only" been doing this for a couple of years. (Lie.)
He said he had "only" done this with prostitutes because he was lonely when he was on business trips. (Lie.)
He told me that he was ashamed after every encounter. (Shame didn't prevent him from doing it again and again.)
He told me he was sorry! (As if he were capable of any empathetic feeling!)
You see where I'm going with this. I saw only what I wanted to see, or perhaps what I was able to see at the time.
I sought any way possible to salvage the marriage. What did I need to do? Tell me! I'll do it! I did NOT want to be divorced, and I could not imagine trying to manage without him as my partner.
Some of getting through this Bargaining Stage is to become fully aware of the extent of your spouse's behavior. Years later, I was confronted with one of his old adult profiles–which he neglected to delete and remains on the internet to this day–I began to absorb the full impact of his deceitfulness and betrayal. I could see plainly that years before I discovered it, he had been listing himself as a married man who wanted sex with other women. No attempt to hide it! In the face of that, it was harder to say, "I can fix this."
I initially had a picture in my mind of this pathetic, sad man on a business trip, being lonely and calling a prostitute. When it became obvious that he'd taken the second job and travel opportunities in order to have more opportunities for acting out, he looked more conniving than pathetic. And when it was clear that he also had local fuck-buddies (and military co-workers), then I really saw how disconnected from me he had always been.
I think this step is an important step in the process, because in this stage particularly, you give everything you have to save your marriage. Once you realize you can't fix it, you can emotionally let go.