In 2010, I discovered my "devoted" husband of 24 years was viewing online porn, having sex with prostitutes, and advertising on the internet for anonymous sexual encounters. His infidelities had been going on for at least a decade. I learned that his behaviors fell under the umbrella of "sexual addiction," a term coined to describe compulsive, risky sexual acting-out.
In one horrifying moment, the illusion of a happy marriage to the father of my five children was shattered. In subsequent months and years I spun through unsuccessful marriage counseling, debilitating grief, an expensive high conflict divorce, and ongoing post separation abuse. I have learned this is typical when dealing with a sex addict. The good news is: my recovery process allowed me to rebuild a better life and relationships based on honesty and authentic intimacy.
This website is a collection of essays, articles, and helpful links gathered on my road to recovery. If your story sounds similar to mine, I'm hoping these resources can benefit you. A better life exists for you, too.
This website is being updated as of 2025! Fifteen years into my recovery journey. Some things have changed in the past decade, and updates will reflect this.
If you are reeling from the shock of discovery, I urge you to read my section on First Things. There are important things to consider initially that aren't typically suggested in the "sexual addiction" literature.
When we discover our partner's sexual addiction, we may spend crucial time in Denial at a time when there are immediate actions that may help protect us in the future. These protections are important because many sex addicts have co-morbid personality disorders, which result in the need to blame and punish the spouse economically, psychologically, and physically should you decide to leave.
I feel strongly that BEFORE a woman begins investing in an addict's recovery, she put legal protections into place for herself and her children.
If you discover you are married to a sex addict, it isn't your fault and you didn't choose it. His choices are NOT about you but about his own weakness. It's NOT likely you are co-dependent. You are traumatized. His addiction belongs to him, not to you.
He has made his choices; now it is time to make yours. You can choose recovery. Your recovery journey will take years, not days or weeks or months. Your recovery belongs to you, and is not dependent upon his recovery.
I'm sharing articles and outside resources to make you aware how common this problem is, and how it is connected to a variety of psychological disorders. There are those who are asking whether sexual addiction is really an addiction at all (it isn't currently classified in the DSM) or if it is part and parcel of a personality disorder. (I believe it is.)
Despite the optimistic "recovery" books I read initially, I am not convinced most "sex addicts" will ever recover from their compulsion. In my opinion, sexual addiction is rooted in layers of personality disorders (psychological illness), with childhood or sexual abuse of at the bottom of it. A person who wants to recover from sexual addiction may be able to do so, but many prefer to live in their fantasy world, further developing their techniques to deceive, conceal, and manipulate.
This site is geared toward wives of sex addicts. There are other resources for a man who discovers he is married to a sexually addicted woman.
I believe partners of sex addicts benefit by becoming informed about sexual addiction and Personality Disorders.
I believe we need to stop enabling the addict with our sympathy and support. Our most important job is to take steps to protect ourselves and our children.
You're not alone. Experts often paint a rosy picture of recovery for the addict. I created this survey for women to share real world experience.
You have to scroll through the whole thing to get to the place where you hit a submit button. You can go back and edit your survey after you submit it. You can also look at other survey results. I suppose you have to sign in to be able to do the survey. Don't worry, I'm not gathering email addresses. That's private, and that's how you can go in to edit or to view results.