Discussion on Cheaters NYTimes
On January 22, 2018, the New York Times ran a truly irresponsible piece by Jane E. Brody which included the statement: "Most affairs result from dissatisfaction with the marital relationship, fueled by temptation and opportunity. One partner may spend endless hours and days on work, household chores, outside activities or even social media, to the neglect of their spouse’s emotional and sexual needs. Often betrayed partners were unaware of what was lacking in the relationship and did not suspect that trouble was brewing."
The article indicates in most cases a non-cheating spouse should stay and try to work things out with a cheater. "There's no shame in staying in the marriage — they’re not doormats, they’re warriors."
Not surprisingly, people reacted swiftly in disagreeing with what seemed to be blaming the victim. I found some of the comments to be very on point and helpful. Here are a few:
To hear a woman reason that a cause of infidelity such as "my husband wasn't getting from me what he needed" as a valid reason for her husband's infidelity is truly irritating. We are all responsible for our own behaviors are we not?
Marni Rachmiel Seattle, WA January 31, 2018
What this article completely overlooks is the common factor of narcissism in cheating spouses. A mature person who is capable of empathy tells the truth to their partner and accepts the consequences. So often cheaters lie to have their cake and eat it too. They commit severe chronic emotional abuse by denying the partner’s reality, gaslighting them, essentially stealing resources from the marital account, risking the partner’s health and life, all without consent. If you’re not happy it’s ok to say so, but you don’t get to say whatever you have to to get away with things another person wouldn’t consent to. There’s a lot of psychopathology involved, and not acknowledging the real effects of the psychological and emotional abuse perpetrated on non-cheating spouses who are lied to and gaslit, while encouraging them to reconcile with an immature narcissist, is major malpractice.
Michael France February 6, 2018
My ex cheated. Then cheated again. And again. And again. Over and over; confessing and crying and lying.
Cheaters do what they do because they are liars at their core. If it was just sex they could do something to spice things up. It's not - the cheating is a form of control. They cheat to show themselves they are entirely in control and can do as they please: they use their spouse like a doormat. Eventually they'll move on from simple cheating to stealing or sabotaging or maybe emotional battering, some other type of lie-based abuse. Throw the cheaters out, the earlier the better, and don't look back.
Working definition of "Domestic Violence"
According to the Oregon Domestic Violence Council, domestic abuse is “a pattern of coercive behavior used by one person to control and subordinate another in an intimate relationship. These behaviors may include physical, sexual, psychological, and economic abuse.”
S.B. Los Angeles February 1, 2018
Infidelity is a form of emotional abuse. As such, therapists should heed the recommendation of the Oregon Domestic Violence Council:
12 Reasons Why Couples Counseling Is Not Recommended in Cases of Domestic Abuse (including emotional abuse).
1. Focusing on the relationship assumes that each person contributes to the abusive behavior, when in truth the perpetrator is fully and solely responsible for his abusive behavior.
4. Blaming the victim. When abusive behavior is identified, the victim may be asked “what was your part in this?” Alternatively the abuser may use comments and observations of the couples counselor to justify abusive behavior. Many victims already blame themselves; the counselor may unwittingly encourage this.
9. It colludes with the abuser’s denial. It allows him/her to continue to blame the victim or the relationship for abusive and controlling behavior.
11. A couples counselor who is focused on the relationship may be hesitant to strongly confront just one of the individuals, concerned this will be viewed as favoritism. Such failure to directly confront abuse contributes to minimization and denial.
12. Couples counseling can keep a victim in the abusive relationship longer than she would otherwise stay in the false hope that the counseling may make things better. Some forms of couples counseling require couples to make a time commitment of not separating while in the counseling which may prolong an abusive relationship.