Gary Smalley Marriage Books

I am giving an outline of the book here because I think the information in it is worth reading. Some might look at it and think it's old-time sexist, but my understanding is the the men's book is equally challenging in calling on husbands to improve their marital relationship.

If you read this book and think, well, my addict will only take advantage me, then I think you have your answer as to whether your marriage is salvageable. (For example, how can we muster admiration for a husband who cannot control his compulsion to seek out prostitutes for sex? Really?)

On the other hand, this information could be helpful in assessing what a "genuine trusting" relationship could should look like. Someday, should you want to establish an honest relationship with a man, you could use this to help you accomplish that.

Eight Ways Husbands Hurt Their Wives

• Frequent criticism

• Not paying attention to her words and ideas

• Not helping with household responsibilities

• Putting her needs and desires secondary to his activities

• Trying to explain hurts instead of trying to understand feelings and empathize

• Acting as if he is superior

• Showing preference to others over his wife

• Not adding romance to the relationship

Differences between Men & Women

"Women's sexual drive tends to be related to their menstrual cycles, while men't drive is fairly constant. The hormone testosterone is a major factor in stimulated men's sexual desire. Women are stimulated more by touch and romantic words. They are far more attracted by a man's personality while men are stimulated by sight."

"The woman intuitively has a greater awareness of how to develop a loving relationship having more facets than just a sexual partnership. She wants to be a lover, a best friend, a fan, a homemaker, and an appreciated partner. The man, on the other hand, does not generally have her intuitive awareness of what the relationship should become. He doesn't have an intuitive awareness of how to encourage and love his wife or how to treat her in a way that meets her deepest needs."

How to Help Your Husband to Become More Sensitive

• Express your feelings through three loving attitudes: warmth, empathy, and sincerity.

• Wait until your anger or feelings of irritability have subsided before you begin to discuss a sensitive issue.

• Share your feelings of anger or irritation by using I-statements.

• Don't say "I told you so."

How to Motivate Your Husband to Listen

Communicate important information by creating a burning curiosity within the listener

(Salty Statements)

• Identify the concern you wish to communicate.

• Identify related areas that are of high interest to your husband.

• Using his area of high interest, share enough information to stimulate his curiosity to hear more.

• Add a little more "salt." Don't answer his response to your first dose of salt; rather, pause and build his curiosity even more.

• Use a short question to gain a commitment to his pursuit of your interest or to teach him what you're trying to communicate.

• Do NOT begin the conversation with a request for his attention.

  • Do NOT start your conversation with your main concern or your solution.

• Do NOT try to persuade him with your first few statements.

Six Inner Beauty Qualities that Prepare Your Husband to Listen

• Courage - commitment to pursue a worthwhile goal without giving up hope.

• Persistence - continue to pursue a goal until it is achieved.

• Gratefulness - sincere appreciation for him.

• Calmness - inner peace that allows you to respond quietly to a stressful situation without fear.

• Gentleness - tender consideration for the feelings of another.

• Unselfish Love - an action directed toward fulfilling another person's needs.

How to Increase Your Husband's Desire to Spend Quality Time with You

1. Admire him.

Your husband might irritate you, belittle you, offend you, ignore you, or basically nauseate you, but admiration looks beyond what he does to who he is. It's unconditional.

• • Begin to seek your husband's advice and opinions on decisions.

  • Make an effort to remember your husband's past requests and desires and begin to fulfill them when possible.

  • Look for occasional opportunities to draw attention to your husband's positive qualities when you're with other people.

  • Make an effort to gain an appreciation for your husband's occupation, trying to understand how important he feels his job activities are.

  • Carefully consider what your husband says without hasty negative reactions.

  • Don't let two days pass without expressing appreciation for at least one thing your husband has said or done during those 48 hours.

  • Use your sensitivity to detect your husband's personal goals, and lend him your support as he pursues those goals.

  • Begin to admire your husband in nonverbal ways.

  • Genuinely desire and seek your husband's forgiveness whenever you offend him.

2. Express a positive attitude on a consistent basis.

3. Focus more energy and concern on your inner beauty than on your outer appearance.

4. Compete with all his interests - make yourself more interesting and attractive to him.

5. Use your unique feminine quality of gentleness.

6. Seek his opinion in your areas of interest.

How to gain your Husband's Undivided Attention on a Consistent Basis

• "Light Up" to show your interest.

• Learn more about his interests and vocation.

• Use the Sale Principle to gain your husband's attention.

• Teach your husband to listen to you.

How to Increase your Husband's Sensitivity to Your Emotional Needs and Desires: Meet HIS Needs

• Men need to be loved.

• Men need to be admired.

• Men need to be understood and accepted.

• Men need to know their advice is valuable.

Express your gratefulness without expectations.

How to Gain Your Husband's Comfort and Understanding Instead of Lectures and Criticism

• Get excited over his attempts to comfort you.

• Teach your husband how to comfort by being his example.

• Tell him gently how you desire to be comforted.

How to Motivate Your Husband to Receive your Correction Without Defensiveness

• Sandwich Approach.

• Puzzle Approach.

• I Statements.

• Salt Principle.

• Set an example by enthusiastically receiving his correction.

• Maintain open communications.

• Explain why you need to correct him.

How to Gain your Husband's Appreciation and Praise

• Show approval for your husband.

• Gently teach your husband about your need for his approval.

• Light up when he praises you.

How to Increase and Deepen Your Husband's Affection for You

• Keep a spark burning.

• Increase your responsiveness to your husband.

• Keep the imagination in your relationship alive.

• Clear up your past offenses toward him.

• Remain a challenge to your husband.

• Use your natural attractive qualities.

• Gently teach him by sharing your feelings.

Selection of Books on Love & Marriage by Gary Smalley

For Better or for Best by Gary Smalley and Norma Smalley (1996 updated)

For Better or for Best: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving your Husband by Gary Smalley (2012)

If Only He Knew: What No Woman Can Resist by Gary Smalley and Norma Smalley (1996)

If Only He Knew: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving Your Wife by Gary Smalley (2012)

Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late by Dr. Gary Smalley, Deborah Smalley and Dr. Greg Smalley (2004)

The Blessing by Gary Smalley and John Trent (1990)

Making Love Last Forever by Dr. Gary Smalley (1997)

Love Is A Decision by Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent (2001)

Winning Your Husband Back Before It's Too Late by Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. Greg Smalley (2004)

I Promise: How Five Commitments Determine the Destiny of Your Marriage by Dr. Gary Smalley (2007)

From Anger to Intimacy: How Forgiveness Can Transform Your Marriage by Dr. Gary Smalley and Mr. Ted Cunningham (2009)