Lessons Learned the Hard Way

These are the lessons I have learned in divorcing a narcissist.

1. You cannot make the narcissist happy no matter what you do. You never do enough. You are never good enough. You think if you just try harder, do more, it will get better. It doesn't. There is no reciprocity. No concern. There is no love.

There is instead abuse in some form: physical, psychological, emotional. The narcissist feels entitled to do whatever the hell he wants, your health and happiness be damned.

2. Do not listen to or believe ANYTHING the narcissist says. A narcissist will say all kinds of hurtful and false things in order to manipulate and control ... and we have a tendency to take these to heart. The narcissist selectively remembers, rewrites history, or simply fabricates stories to fit his "reality." This is completely confusing to an honest person.

The narcissist will threaten and harass constantly. He wants attention. The narcissist will demean and ridicule. He will accuse and blame. If the narcissist can't do it in person, he will email, text, call... You really have to learn to cut off contact as much as possible if you want the harassment (abuse) to stop.

3. Don't expect or hope that the narcissist will change. I believed with all my heart that my husband was a good and reasonable person deep down inside. He had groomed me for many years to see him as a George Bailey: moral, overworked and under appreciated. I thought for sure that if I just used the right words, he would see my point of view and do the "right" thing. I needed to accept that he was not going to change, or at the very least that he wasn't going to change unless that was HIS decision.

Therapists warned me that it was highly unlikely he would conquer either his personality disorder or his addiction: A Cluster B personality disorder is only going to seek help if their life is a mess. If a Narcissist has been successful with his façade for decades, he has no reason to change. Similarly, if an addict has been practicing his addiction for decades, it would take Herculean effort to end that addiction.

I stopped praying for God to change the narcissist. God gave the narcissist free will, and the narcissist has chosen a selfish, hateful path. Now I pray for my own acceptance of reality. I pray for God to give me patience, strength, and love over fear and bitterness.

3. A narcissist will never negotiate. They view everything as a win/lose battle. They do not see compromise as mutually beneficial. So any hope you have of negotiation, just throw that out the window.

4. Don't let the narcissist know what you really want. As I said above, the narcissist needs to WIN and he needs to make you LOSE. If the narcissist knows what you want, he will do EVERYTHING in his power not to give it to you. So ask for the opposite of what you want, and you're more likely to get it.

Example: I asked my ex to take the kids for a weekend so that I could help a friend bring a snowbird parent's vehicle back from Florida while the retirees took a plane. He first said yes, he would take the kids. But, within a few days, he constructed a story of me wanting to run away to Florida with a divorced millionaire who wanted to marry me. (This was based on the fact that a millionaire finished a 10 mile road race 30 seconds before I did several weeks earlier.) He suggested that I go ahead and marry the millionaire (though we didn't even have a divorce) so he could take full custody of the kids. Eventually my dear ex told me he had to work that weekend and couldn't take the kids. What I learned from this was NEVER to ask for what I wanted or needed! So, another time when I needed to attend a wedding, I gave my ex a list of dates when the kids were available, mentioning that the date of the wedding was the least desirable, but if he wanted them then, I supposed it could be worked out. Naturally, that was the date he picked.

5. Don't let threats disturb your peace. The narcissist intends to HURT you. He derives great pleasure out of punishing you. His threats are intended to frighten you and disrupt your calm. Work hard at not listening to or responding to threats. Use Tina Swithin's "Narc Decoder" to rewrite his communications, understanding that you are dealing with an immature, hateful person who blows a lot of hot air.

Example: My ex initially threatened to take the house and full custody of the kids. At first I was scared, but my attorney counseled me to ignore the threats. In the three years of our divorce battle, I actually encouraged him to spend time with the kids. So he accused me of "using him as a babysitter." He refused to negotiate or sign any sort of formal custody agreement or visitation schedule. I finally got the attorneys to agree that without any sort of schedule, he would have to give me 30 days notice to have visits with the kids. Since I stopped agreeing to visits with less than 30 days notice, his visitation has dwindled to almost nothing. In four years, he has had the kids less than 5% of the time. I count that as a victory.

6. Don't confide in your kids. They may inadvertently reveal information to your ex. They may even purposely use information to gain the approval of the narcissist.

7. Your children and your friends may take the narcissist's "side." There are many reasons for this:

• The narcissist is a brilliant manipulator. He can be very convincing, and most honest people cannot conceive of someone weaving such huge and noxious lies.

• Your loved ones may know that the narcissist will punish them for taking your side, while at the same time realizing that you will always forgive. Therefore, it is easier for them to take the narcissist's side than support you.

• Your children and other family members may have a genetic predisposition to personality disorders. They may already be persuasive blamers themselves, people who disregard truth and rewrite history to suit their needs.

For your mental health, learn to let go. Know that you are a good person, and if your friends and family members recognize and appreciate that, great. If not, LET GO. If they choose the narcissist, you're better off not to continue being their doormat. Don't try to convince someone to believe you, appreciate you or love you. Accept that reason and logic will fail. Truth does NOT always win in the short term.

It is excruciating to have a child reject you because you choose to leave a narcissist, or because you call him out on his lies. It is excruciating to realize that one (or more) of your children has a personality disorder, and behaves in the same blaming, dishonest and unloving ways that your ex does. There are no magic words or prayers, no amount of love or forgiveness that will "fix" a personality disorder. Accept it and move forward, but move forward with boundaries to protect yourself.

One of my adult sons clearly has a personality disorder. I had to ask him to leave my house in order to protect my other children. I cannot tell you how painful this has been for me, but as time has gone on, I am more and more sure that I set good boundaries, and made the right decision.

8. If you decide that moving forward means moving out, prepare for battle. Arm yourself with knowledge of the divorce laws in your state. Get the best lawyer you can afford. Document everything sent via email, text and record conversations. Set aside money for legal bills. Know that in the end, the battle will be worth it for your peace of mind. There is a world beyond the misery you have been living.