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On Arrival Writing Question:
What has been your experience of taking part in the empathy circles in this team?
Edwin
I Like...,
I like the the empathy circle as the best way to practice empathy. In our team, I really like the deep dedication and commitment of everyone to take part in the empathy circle and to work on developing the training.
Something that comes to mind is when only Dimitra and I were in an empathy circle, there was a lot more engagement. It was a lot of fun to only have 2 people in the circle because I was always active either speaking or reflecting.
I Wish…,
I feel some frustration with capturing the learnings and insights generated in the empathy circle and doing something constructive with it. A lot of interesting learnings get said, I take some notes, but nothing really gets done with it. I wish this could be more effective in some way…. Perhaps by writing up a report or something.
What If...
- We get a really good video introduction created for how to take part in an empathy circle.
- What if we make the empathy circle the central focus of the MOOC training. That the training is on how to facilitate an empathy circle? Ie to be an empathy circle facilitator. Everyone learns how to take part in an empathy circle, how to facilitate it, and then goes out and tries to facilitate them with family, friends, class, community, etc. They then document their experience and share it in the meetings. We get support for sharing successes or challenges in trying to facilitate empathy circles.
The topic..
It’s about expressing the felt experience
Not sympathy
Is more meaningful. - talking about fear.
Dimitra
I Like...,
Find ingrid’s comments thoughtful.
Skeptical about some aspects of her classes.
I Wish…,
Want to improve my personal relationships. I could see how to do this in real life
How it works in real life with disagreement and solutions.
Could bring the skills in real life every day.
What If...
We practice listening, this is only part of the communications.
Acting out a conflict - would be more real life.
We are 3 people - pretend a disagreement. Help the sides move past the disagreement.
(edwin set up a lesson and exercise page.)
Ingrid
I like... the practice time; getting to know everyone; that everyone gets to participate; feeling heard;
I like the practice.
I wish... that I could get more feedback on my reflections so I can learn more and improve; that the empathy circles were not always recorded because it keeps me from talking about topics that may be more personal;
The instructions should be usable for just 2 people. For dyads. Would be good for the instructions to be used in an diad as well. For example for Ingrid's husbands men's groups.
What if ...at times we focused on a specific topic (sometimes it feels disjointed when anyone can talk about anything);
How might we develop more skill or empathy growth?
What if we gave feedback to the speaker.. Some people may want feedback - some may not want it.
How to give constructive feedback.
Disagreement with husband.
Gives me space so that I don’t become defensive. It is easier to hear and stay engaged.
Using disagreements with the practice. Needs to be about when it’s personal and
It’s a higher skill level. Personal issues and conflict/
Nancy
I Like...,
Practicing the skill of empathic listening -- takes me out of my head and my own emotions and feelings and allows me to just be and be there for the other person.
I Wish…,
I knew for sure that I truly “heard” what the other person was saying because sometimes the facial expressions didn’t seem to match up with the “I feel fully heard” statements. Maybe this is just my own insecurity being a newbie and not knowing the other participants very well.
What If…
Going deeper meant incorporating some validating comments such as “you certainly have every right to feel that way” or “I get what you’re saying.”
FURTHER NOTES COMMENTS
Interested in feedback.
The roles. - is there a role for the silent listener to provide feedback.
The role of the person is to provide feedback.
What is the role of the silent listener?
The silent listener could be to give feedback.
Important that feedback is there. Has value but how would it be done.
How might we get Feedback on our listening? (for a feeling of growth/learning in the listening.)
The circle is a safe place to do it. To give feedback
(there is feedback from the speaker. If they are heard or not. )
The speaker can express a felt experience
The listener can reflect a feeling.
Can record the
The silent listener could give feedback.
Going Deeper
(Talk about fears.) it depends on the topic.
The needs go deeper than feelings - causes more connection.
Person wants the feeling of security
Dimitra
Empathy Circle Topics
I am sending you here some of the things I would like to discuss in our empathy circle.
Why people should be less afraid of disagreements
How we should learn to accept our feelings
How useful a failure can be
Empathy and praying; Can religion help us empathize with others?
Loneliness in the digital age
Social issues like financial problems, immigration, guns at schools
Ingrid
Over dinner Chuck and I were talking about some of our discussion today and it helped me get some clarification.
After thinking about what Mimi has repeatedly said at our sessions and our discussions today - I finally realized:
*reflective listening alone can be beneficial but it is can lack emotion and connection.
*reflective listening from my heart - typically has emotion and fosters connection.
The difference is whether or not I am doing the reflective listening from my heart. I can feel the difference in myself when I am reflective listening from my heart and when I am doing it not from my heart.
For example, there are times when I think I need to really listen with empathy but my heart just isn't into it because I am tired or want to be doing something else - therefore, when I am reflective listening it is not going to come off as very emotional or connecting.
Thoughts or feedback?
Edwin
*reflective listening alone can be beneficial but it is can lack emotion and connection.
*reflective listening from my heart - typically has emotion and fosters connection.
Do you have actual examples of this? Situations where you did and didn’t have emotion and connection?
Some definitions.
Empathy means In – Feeling. Ie feeling into.
Feelings is central to deeper empathy.
For me, feelings and emotions are both feeling.
For example, if a person feels anger, by listening to them they begin to share the feelings underneath that feeling of anger. They may feel hurt by having been ignored. They may feel lonely and it’s painful..
Then there is the need behind that. may want to feel inclusion, belonging. I see ‘needs’ as feelings that are desired.
*reflective listening alone can be beneficial but it is can lack emotion and connection.
What is the feeling of “lack of emotion and connection.”? That has a feeling as well.
good to explore all this since it will help with the feeling of clarity of the training. Also, others who take the training may feel confusion and I’d like to make the training as pleasant and positive and meaningful of an experience as possible.
NANCY
I understand and connect with the idea that reflective listening with genuine care and attention equals empathy...for the listener.
However, I continue to ponder what the speaker is experiencing and what she needs from the listener. As Mimi said yesterday, some 90 percent of communications are non-verbal, so how does the speaker "feel" the empathy when her words are only being reflected back?
From the speaker's viewpoint, just because someone restates what we've said, does this mean she necessarily understands it, or "feels" it?
The answer may lie in our verbals or non-verbals (eye contact, body leaning forward, mirroring gestures, etc.), which possibly helps the listener feel the empathy or understanding. And maybe that helps explain my experience with my husband Dave when I was practicing empathic listening with him, because I was driving (full disclosure).
I was practicing the verbals, but lacked the non-verbals (which allowed us to arrive safely at our destination!). So even though I was reflective listening, and it came from my heart, it felt clinical and rote and devoid of emotion.
And this is where I struggle: how does and when is it appropriate for an empathic listener to show emotions? If one is reflective listening from the heart, one may feel closer to the speaker, but does the speaker feel the deep satisfaction of being understood, emotionally aligned with, and more connected to the listener?
(HEADINGS) (Stop-Watch)
ON ARRIVAL QUESTION: Write below
RECORDING: Start
Introductions - New Member
INTENTION SETTING: Building a Culture of Empathy
MIRRORING FEELINGS: 2 min Self-Empathy: Check-in: Mirrored Feeling
Write a short Meeting Report. This to be emailed out to the list
Next week
Design Activity or Lesson
INTENTION SETTING: Closing
End: RECORDING
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