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Listening Across Canyons – Session 1
Bill Miller
Empathy
We are hard-wired to read and guess what others are experiencing.
We also guess wrong.
The Skill of Accurate Empathy
Developed by psychologist Carl Rogers in the 1950s and refined by his students
It is measurable and learnable – you can get better at it
It is a sacrificial practice, setting aside your own “stuff” to listen with no goal other than understanding
It is different from and a foundation for conversation – more like good interviewing
It is a rare gift that you can give to others – most of us get very little high-quality listening
It is one of the best-documented predictors of change in psychotherapy and counseling
Three Disciplines of Accurate Empathy
Discipline 1: Focusing. Full attention. No agenda except for understanding
Experience: The picture without the sound (in pairs, 3 minutes each)
Speaker: One of the most moving experiences I can remember
Listener: Communicate without sound that you are listening, interested, understanding
What did the listener do?
Discipline 2: Refraining from Roadblocks
In this “zone” as a listener you will think of all manner of things that you could say in response – passing on your knowledge, advising, sharing personal experience. All of that is set aside in the service of deep understanding. This is very different from conversation, dialogue, or debate.
Twelve Roadblocks that are Not Listening (Thomas Gordon)
> Directing is telling someone what to do, as if giving an order or a command.
You've got to face up to reality!
Knock it off!
Go right back there and tell her you’re sorry!
Stop complaining and do something about it!
> Warning involves pointing out the risks or dangers of what a person is doing. This can also be a threat.
If you do you’ll be sorry.
Don’t you know what’s going to happen if you keep this up?
You’re going to destroy this relationship.
You’d better listen to me.
> Advising includes making suggestions and providing solutions, usually with the intention of being helpful.
Here’s what I would do if I were you . . .
Have you thought about . . ?
One thing you could try is . . .
How about . . .
> Persuading can be lecturing, arguing, giving reasons or persuading with logic.
If you think about it you’ll see that . . .
Now let’s think this through. The facts are . . .
Yes, but . . .
Let me tell you why.
> Moralizing is telling people what they should do
You really should . . .
You need to . . .
I think you ought to . . .
It’s your duty to . . .
> Judging can take the form of blaming, criticizing, or simply disagreeing.
Well it’s your own fault!
You’re still asleep at ten in the morning?
No, I think you’re wrong about that . . .
Well what did you expect?
> Agreeing usually sounds like taking sides with the person, perhaps approving or praising.
Yes, I think you’re absolutely right.
Good for you!
That’s what I would do, too.
You’re such a good mother.
> Shaming or ridiculing can include attaching a name or stereotype to what the person is saying or doing.
That’s a silly way to think.
How could you so such a thing?
You really ought to be ashamed of yourself.
You’re being so selfish!
> Analyzing offers a reinterpretation or explanation of what the person is saying or doing.
You don’t really mean that.
Do you know what your real problem is?
You’re just trying to make me look bad. .
I think what’s actually going on here is . . .
> Probing asks questions to gather facts or press for information.
When did you first realize that?
What makes you feel that way?
Where was the last place you saw it?
Why?
> Reassuring can sound like sympathizing or consoling.
Oh you poor thing. I’m sorry for you.
There, there – I’m sure this will all work out.
Things aren’t really so bad.
You’ll probably look back on this in a year and laugh.
> Distracting tries to draw people away from what they are saying by humoring, changing the subject, or withdrawing.
Let’s talk about that some other time.
Oh aren’t you the gloomy one! Lighten up.
You think you’ve got problems. Let me tell you . . .
That reminds me of a joke.
Experience: Continuing Past Orange Barrels (3 minutes each)
Speaker: A challenge, problem, or difficulty you’re facing
Listener: Fit in as many roadblocks as you can in 4 minutes
What makes these roadblocks?
Discipline 3: Mirroring
Accurate empathy is not sitting there silently. It is active listening. (Thomas Gordon)
Mirroring Step 1: Making guesses (testing hypotheses)
Three ways communication can go wrong
Experience: The Guessing Game (groups of 3 or 4)
Speaker: Something you should know about me is that I am [somewhat mysterious adjective]
Listeners: Ask: “Do you mean that you ____________?”
The speaker may answer only “Yes” or “No”
Continue till you run out of guesses.
Then rotate – the next person becomes the speaker.
Next week: Beyond asking questions: The skill of reflective listening
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