Lessons: Cielja
Empathic Listening and The Felt Experience
Online Practice
More detailed draft
By Cielja
CREATING A CULTURE OF EMPATHY
What is required
2-6 People on zoom. All have good connection and microphone.
Suggested: A candle to light per session. One for the group.
INTRODUCTION (on paper also?) VIDEO
Set up of each meeting:
1. OPENING CIRCLE -
Anything needs to be mentioned that interferes with attention on the meeting?
Sharing feeling in the here and now
2. HOUSEHOLD -
Any organizational topic, like next meeting, breaks etc.
3. TOPIC -
The lesson of the day
4. CLOSING CIRCLE -
Impression of the meeting and anything that still wants to be mentioned
Feeling in the here and now.
LESSONS OVERVIEW of CREATING A CULTURE OF EMPATHY, Empathic Listening and The Felt Experience - Online Practice
01. Introduction to Building a Culture of Empathy
02. Feeling into a Felt Experience
03. What are we listening for
04. Listening to Yourself
05. Conflicts in Listening
06. What's next
LESSON 01: Introduction to Building a Culture of Empathy
Opening
Is there anything you want to share that interferes with having your attention on the meeting?
(sample VIDEO?) How are you feeling in the here and now: exercise with expressing feeling
Household
Any organizational topics, like next meeting, breaks, things people need, like pen and paper or so, a book, questions about google docs (VIDEO?) etc.
(maybe referring to a separate site (AND VIDEO?) where all ‘how to use Google Docs of E.L. Practice)
Topic: A Culture of Empathy
Basic guidance for the sessions:
Say “I” when you mean “I”; (“People” often say; “A person” mostly etc.)
Everybody is right (Everybody has their own thinking that they come from)
We are sources for each other (you can decide to share with this in mind)
But you also can always pass for an exercise.
Are the sessions you do recorded for those in the group who are not there today ? If so do you want them to be posted/keeping private (maybe VIDEO about our take on sharing, confidentiality etc?)
EMPATHY DEFICIT - How would the world look like when we use empathy in our communication:
What this course helps you to do/be.
How it came about, how it is developing till now,
The vision, mission and aim of the (founders?).
(VIDEO- cartoon?) how empathy is seen/used in this training in comparison to compassion and sympathy.
EMPATHY does not mean you endorse the view of the other.
(Intention setting of a Culture of Empathy candle?)
Introduction of everybody and their objectives for this course: What brought you here?
Explaining (VIDEO?) how it will be done either in a description or by a facilitator.
First practice: using the Introduction and Objectives stories already for Reflective Listening practice.
It can be modeled by a facilitator/or done with the guidelines of the Empathic Circle Practice (Referring to handout)
How was it to do RL
Discussion: About Empathy, Compassion, Sympathy.
Questions for each other if there are any.
Any concerns? How was this, remarks, questions,
Closing
Impression of the meeting and anything that still wants to be mentioned
Feeling in the here and now.
LESSON 02: FEELING INTO A FELT EXPERIENCE
Hearing, reflecting, words, meanings, non-verbal, feelings, receiving information from the other with our ears and our eyes in a way that we zoom into the felt experience of the other.
What information do we receive about how the other is?
In this online training we mostly use our listening and seeing.
We can sense and also receive intuitively, we will talk about that in a later session.
For now we practice two of our senses to get the information: Listening and Seeing. We will dive deeper into the aspects of listening.
Opening
Is there anything you want to share that interferes with having your attention on the meeting?
How are you feeling in the here and now Express with words, sound and movement. (sample VIDEO?)
Household
Anything that needs to be mentioned?
Topic: Listening and the Felt Experience
Practice reflective listening: Closing eyes, listening to sounds, what did you hear? Are you interpreting, or can you describe the sounds objectively?
Can you listen objectively to the words a person says, like a sound-mirror?
We also use seeing as a means of that we get information from the other.
Practice reflective seeing: Meanwhile you have looked at each other. You may have your interpretations about the other already, but can you receive how they may feel or what they think by how they sit, how they use their facial expression, their hands maybe? A short round with mentioning a feeling that you think the other has at this moment (and you may remember what they said themselves in the introduction, which you can use as inspiration). Just take a first guess. The watched person can confirm how close you are in your guess.
REFLECTIVE LISTENING: Reflective listening is a first step to feel how listening can work (what we did already in the first session by reflecting our objectives.)
Practice One round of reflective listening. Just a few sentences.
Speaker mentions a landscape they like.
Listener gives the words and sentences back to the speaker.
It helps for the Speaker to hear their words again. And you can always start with this.
However, it may feel awkward for the speaker, or cause irritation, when these are exactly all the same words with the exact non-verbal tone. Many times this does not move them forward to expressing the message they want to express. The underlying message is often more expressed in their nonverbal communication. Research has shown that 93% of our communication is non-verbal. Only 7% are words. The non-verbal colors the words: our body movements, our facial expressions, the sounds we make, our breathing, melody, accentuation, rhythm. And for the listener the reflective listening can become a memorization request. They can get nervous not remembering exactly what the speaker all mentioned.
EMPATHIC LISTENING: Where Empathy or feeling into the felt experience of the speaker comes in, is by:
1. Listening for and receiving feelings/a state of being, that the speaker shows in the way they express themselves in the here and now, and mentioning that
2. Giving the words back with your own words, staying as close to the words by using synonyms, re-group the words or give even the opposite.
3. Emphasize those words that you heard were important to the speaker (which can be part of lifting out a feeling)
Example: The speaker may say in a certain way: “Snow-mountains are gorgeous” The received feelings information can be that the speaker adores those and has a strong statement about it. The listening message could be: “Mountain-tops with eternal snow are one of the most stunning views.”
Giving the opposite could be: “Mountains without snow do not feel like as breath-taking as those with snow”.
Practice adding some -or all of the three- additions for Empathic Listening:
One round of a few sentences about A food you do not like
Discussion the differences between Reflective and Empathic Listening
Practice: Empathic Circle: Think a minute about something you would want to talk about. It can be about the topic empathy and communication or any other topic. Decide for a speaking time of 5 minutes.
As long as time allows (before moving to the Closing round.)
Closing
Impression of the meeting and anything that still wants to be mentioned
Feeling in the here and now.
LESSON 03: WHAT ARE WE LISTENING FOR:
Opening
Is there anything you want to share that interferes with having your attention on the meeting?
How are you feeling in the here and now Express with words, sound and movement. (sample VIDEO?)
Household
Anything that needs to be mentioned?
Topic: What do we hear, see, read in the other's expression?
INTERPRETATION As we mentioned in session 2, our interpretation as a listener is often distracting from what we really hear. How come?
When we hear someone talking, our subconscious mind tries to recognize what a person is saying and tries to make sense of its meaning. We want to understand what they are saying in a way that we can asap say: “I know what (s)he means”! We even often say that: “I know what you mean.” “I get you”. etc.
And often a solution is what comes to mind with which we can ‘help’ the person move through what they have going on. We jump in quickly to advise.
Or we hear things we recognize and confirm what they have going on, by letting them know that we know this, as we had it too. This is the sympathy that kicks in (as we talked about it the first session) On the other hand we can think that if the person just would not do this or that, that they are better off and we just say that!
But all our good efforts to help a person turn out to be actually blocking; blocking their own thinking, blocking them helping themselves; and even blocking them in liking us or ask us next time.
*1 Thomas Gordon (referring to notes?) grouped a lot of different ways how we block a person when we try to listen, under 12 different Roadblocks in Communication.
List of Roadblocks
As these are opportunities for us to get insight into what the consequences of roadblocks are and how we can move away from them, we will go over them in detail.
VIDEO or example in the practice of Roadblocks
(consequences Cielja) stress - is a big package - roadblock brings people into stress. what are the feelings associated with each roadblock.
Practice: LISTENING TO UNDERSTAND, OR …NOT?
When we get the reproach: “You don’t understand me”, we are devastated. Because that was what we thought we tried to do. However what the person actually is saying is: “I do not feel heard”. What is the difference?
Practice: Empathic Listening Circle practice to talk about: the difference in listening to understand and listening sothat the other can release, vent.
Discussion about the difference in listening to understand and listening so that the other can release, vent.
Experience the difference between the empathic listening circle and open discussion.
Any comments?
USING ALL YOUR SENSES TO LISTEN: Empathic Listening is also opening up all your senses to be in the here and now with a person.
Practice: Here & Now exercise (Think of where you were yesterday this time, come 'back' to here and now. - Think of what you will be doing tomorrow around this time, come 'back' to here and now.
Staying in the here and now in your feed-back will help to stay away from the roadblocks.
Example (VIDEO?)
LESSON 04: LISTENING TO YOURSELF
Think a few minutes about how that can work. What can you do? How would listening to yourself look like?
Practice: Empathic Listening Circle with above topic or anything else you would want to bring up.
How can you listen with empathy to someone else when your needs are not met, or your body or mind do want to do something else, or when you feel wanting to be heard yourself?
You have to decide if you have the willingness, the time and capability to listen to this person at this time. You only can do that if your ‘cup is full’. If you feel you can give.
How can you get your cup full? First of all find a buddy who could listen to you! But next is, practice to express yourself and finding out more about yourself.
LISTEN TO YOUR SELF.
You have to express yourself in order to hear and word yourself.
We are not really used to express ourselves, to be in touch with our needs and wants, and it is exactly these that may interfere with listening to someone. These needs and wants mostly have to do with time, money or energy. So your reasons you mention to people should reflect those.
You can express yourself in different situations:
Practice 1 : (maybe a sheet with words of topics all over it. Like: vacation, car, telephone, dance, book, etc.) Choose one of the words and talk about it as long as you wish (No listening done)
When everyone has had their turn: How was this to express yourself?
Practice 2: Think of a situation that you may foresee could give you a problem and in which others are involved.
It could be that if dinner isn’t being made at 5, that you may not be able to eat before leaving for your meeting or that you have to hurry eating.
It could be that you are afraid that your package will be delivered today while all will be out and that you have to go an pick it up later.
You will express the situation as if it works out the best (so instead of expressing your fear, you will express what you need, want, wish)
Like: If Dinner is made at 5, I will have plenty of time to enjoy eating together.
I expect a package today and if someone is home to receive it and can stay home tonight, instead of going to pick up the package.
Use your own examples, help each other to formulate the wishable situation.
Practice 3: Think of a situation in which someone asks you something
Like a friend who borrows money from you, but who has not given back any yet and asks again.
Like a neighbor who asks you to come for coffee.
EMPATHIC LISTENING TO YOURSELF: do you feel a ‘NO’ or a ‘YES’ and what is THE REASON for this no or yes that you hear your inner voice tell you? With this one you can mention your fear if necessary.
If it is a no, say: “I feel resistance to give you more money as I am afraid you will have no way to give it back and I need all for my rent this month”
If it is a yes, you could say: “Yes, I already thought you would not make it with what I gave you before.”
A no to the neighbor: “Thank you for asking, but I am getting ready to go to class”, or
A yes: “Thank you, I have some time to have coffee.”
Practice 4: When we really like what someone did, we often respond with “Good Job”, “You are amazing”, “That is so sweet of you.”
Unlike that these kind of messages give someone a boost in their self-esteem, they may make someone actually feeling becoming insecure. How come? It is a judgement! (see the Roadblocks)
So, can you never say anything good to a person?
Sure you can! But the good part is that you let the person know what his or her action did to you, what the consequence is for you, and how you feel.
THAT is what they want to know. They want to know that they impacted you. They do not feel that if you say : “You’re such a gem to have in the office.”
You will say this with an appreciative expression. You will give your attention to the thing that they did: “When I saw that you had washed the car, I felt so relaxed, as now I had time to finish my email!
How different does this feel opposed to ‘Amazing that you washed my car’ or even ‘Thank you for washing my car’?
Come up with some.
The more we will practice to listen to ourselves and express the wording and our feelings with it, the more we will be able to help others!
LESSON 05: CONFLICTS IN LISTENING
When your needs are critical, like you expect an important phone-call any minute ; when you feel a big resistance to go over a certain topic, you have to listen to your resistance. You have to express it or decide that you can ‘park’ it in order to be of service to someone else.
(we move our feeling of upsets back and bring forward our feeling of presence in the and now.)
(It's not holding yourself back but bringing your presence forward.)
However, if you park it, YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO COME BACK TO IT!
Your subconscious will register that you ‘park’ a feeling, a resistance, or something that you need to express. So when you do not do anything with it, when you do not either express it to the person or to your self, it sees a moment to all of a sudden pop it out, without you having a say of how it sounds. Gone is your patience, gone is your nice empathic pose, you hear yourself yelling something like: “NO, YOU ARE NOT DOING THAT….”
Practice: Empathic Listening circle with examples that you ‘flipped’ or when you 'lost' your patience etc.
How to ‘park’ your own thoughts, while listening and how to take your thoughts back.
When you are listening to someone, and you do not feel well all of a sudden (maybe eaten something wrong) or piled up information - head overflows,..... or if they say something so opposite of your belief, or even that you wonder if you need to inform others about this, you feel the big resistance crawling up upon you and maybe a heavy 'yell' in your stomach.
Breathe out, see if you can focus back on really empathic listening to the person, if not, then you have to use a ‘standing up’ expression of yourself: “I heard you saying….. and at that moment I felt totally nauseous, as it is very hard to hear for me.”
Then wait.
See what the response is of the person. If you have listened to them, you may all of a sudden hear them saying a listening message to you.
If they do, you can let them know what it reminded you of.
Then they may respond more emotionally.
At that point you focus back on them and feed them back their emotional state and the wording they used. And stay with them till they feel satisfied. But at least you let 'the steam off of the kettle'
If you cannot express yourself, breathe out ‘internally’ and ask your subconscious to ‘park’ your need of being heard. Once you have finished listening to the person, find a buddy of your own to whom you can express. If you have no one, help yourself by asking yourself: “What does this remind me of” A similar experience may come to mind. Thank your subconscious mind to bring up the similar situation and ask it to let go of the negative charges on it.
If you know meditation start one. If you would want to know more about Emotional Release, you can connect with us.
Sample VIDEO?
Exercise: shift focus. (break-out would be great)
All sit for two minutes quiet (with timer), eyes closed, breathe out, relax. Feel how your body feels, are there any stress points? When the timer goes off do an empathic listening circle to each other how you felt. This time you are very aware of the process of the change when you were totally focused on you and when you had to be the listener. Feel the difference!
MEDIATION : The shifting focus is used also to shift your focuse from one to another. Use most Reflective Listening with picking up the gist of the story that each is mentioning.
Give both parties their lead in what they want to say
Exercise: per 3 Take the sheet with topics and 2 take a topic that they have opposite ideas about.
The third person is the listener. Practice shifting focus and mentioning the gist of a message.
LESSON 06: WHAT’S NEXT?
Empathy Tents, meetings, personal life, professional life, education, politics: Where do you want to give your new acquired listening skills?
Learning more about Empathic Communication, Conflict Resolution, Activism etc.
Joining / creating online Empathy Circles
Other available modules in our Mooc training.