Listening Across Canyons – Session 3
Bill Miller
Three Disciplines of Reflective Listening
Imagine listening with no goal or agenda other than to understand. This is quite different from the usual pattern of listening just long enough to know how to disagree or to fit in your own perspective. For the time being you let go of making points, being clever, scoring, winning and losing. You let go of judging, labeling, and assuming that you already know. The one and only purpose of the conversation is for you to understand what matters most to someone, how they think and feel. The basic mental set for this kind of listening is curiosity – an interest and desire to know. Listening in this way requires three challenging disciplines.
1. Focusing. Giving your full undivided curious attention to understanding what the person means
2. Refraining from roadblocks (Session 1)
3. Reflective listening (Session 2)
Listening Across Political Differences
Reflective listening can be useful in understanding any kind of experience, but the focus of practice in Session 3 is to understand the basis of another person’s political views. No matter whom you talk to, their views will be at least somewhat different from your own. The bigger the difference, the better. This is not a conversation, dialogue, discussion, or debate. You are interviewing the person to understand their political views, and your own views are (ideally) irrelevant to this process. If you listen well without disagreeing, the speaker might come away thinking that you agree with what he or she said. “I guess we have a lot more in common than I thought.” In fact, if you were interviewing well, the speaker may have very little idea of what you personally believe. A key point is that there is no intent to change the speaker’s views – only to understand them. In the listening process, however, it may be possible to discern shared goals or beliefs that could form a basis for subsequent dialogue.
Most people are unaccustomed to being listened to in this way. It is an unusual experience. For this reason (except during practice here in class) it is good to offer an explanation of your intention, something like this: “My intent is to listen to you without interrupting, agreeing or disagreeing, just to understand your own political values and what matters to you. I may ask a few questions but mostly I’ll do my best to listen well.”
For listeners, roadblocks will be a particular temptation when listening across political differences. In a polarized culture there is a temptation to reflexively dismiss a differing political viewpoint. Stay with the process!
I find that at first there is often a tendency for speakers to rehash or complain about specific things they perceive to be wrong: grievances, stories, critiques.
But what do these instances imply about the speaker’s underlying values? Reflect those, knowing that you are making a guess.
What is “the Good” that ought to be pursued through government?
What are the positive values that guide the person’s political views?
Politics and governance involve balancing of complex competing interests, prioritizing among potentially conflicting values (for example, personal liberty vs. public good).
What are the “interests” that, in this person’s view, most deserve priority?
Here are some possible questions that might be asked in an interview:
1. In what ways do you think we are responsible for each other’s welfare in a democratic society?
2. In what ways does your own spiritual or religious faith inform and guide your political beliefs?
3. From what, if anything, do you believe our government should protect us?
4. What are some things that you believe government should not do?
1. In thinking about the role of government, how do you personally balance the sometimes conflicting values of individual freedom and the common good?
2. When you think about the political issues on which you are most passionate, what does that indicate about your underlying values?
3. What do you believe about paying taxes, and how tax dollars should be used?
4. What kinds of decisions or policies do you think are best made at the federal, state, and local level?
5. What is an issue on which you differ from the usual position of people in your party or who share your political views?
6. What do you most hope will happen (or not happen) during this administration?
Asking such questions can point the person toward the foundations of their beliefs. These are just examples that inquire about underlying values. Beware relying too heavily on questions, and follow any question with at least two reflective listening statements. In other words, don’t ask two questions in a row. Be selective - don’t attempt to ask all or even most of these questions. It is easiest to ask a question like these when the speaker has already touched on the topic. Also avoid “leading” or rhetorical questions: “But don’t you think that . . . ?”
This is a real discipline. You will have many moments where there is something you want to say, add, agree or disagree with, or state your own views. Don’t. The discipline is to stay with empathic listening with no goal other than to understand the person’s own meaning and experience. There is nothing you need to fix or change. Just listen well.
I find that a session of this kind normally takes at least an hour, so chances are there won’t be enough time to feel finished with even one of these. If you take time to listen to and understand another’s political views, it does not obligate that person to return the favor (and if they haven’t been in this class or had some other exposure to reflective listening, they may not be able to do so). When you gain a deeper understanding of the speaker’s political views and experiences, the purpose is accomplished. Often this helps speakers to better understand their own beliefs and experiences. It is common that people have not really thought through in depth the foundations of their own political views, and in part this is because they lack good listeners.
Take-Home
This is something that you can continue to practice, and I believe it is important to do so. In our current politically polarized situation we have stopped listening to views different from our own. This seems to be true from the local (family and friends) to the national level (Congress and politicians). Listening to understand is a first step. When people are listened to well, they are often more willing to listen themselves.
To practice what you have learned, offer to interview someone whose political views are likely quite different from your own. As indicated earlier, such an interview usually needs some explaining, such as: “I wonder whether you would be willing to take an hour to tell me about your own political views. Rather than this being a discussion or debate, I would like to interview you with no goal other than for me to better understand your own political values and what matters to you. I may ask you a few questions but mostly I’ll do my best to listen well.”
When you do this, you have already contributed to better understanding.