*C04 Skills
CHAPTER 04 talks about the empathic attitude and empathy skills.
We are wanting to develop an empathic attitude and way of being.
There are also skills or techniques that we can practice. Chapter 2 also mentions empathy is a learnable skill.
List the specific skills that you see that are part of an empathic way of being (ie. attitude - mindset - heartset - consciousness)?
Which of these skills do you most want to get better at?
Why this question?
To teach empathy it may be helpful to identify the specific skills that can be practiced.
Sample Comments
Self empathy
Identifying an internal feeling. Putting it into words and expressing it.
Empathic listening
Reflecting
Reflecting a feeling someone is expressing
Reflecting a feeling that is behind what someone is expressing.
Reflecting a feeling the someone desires (need or value)
Empathic Speaking
sharing a feeling
identifying and sharing the feeling that arises as a consequence of someone else's action.
Empathic Relationships
Identifying and articulating the feelings of a relationship
Most want to get better at. Empathic Speaking. Authentically expressing my own feelings.
To express my genuine feelings about empathy, I must take us on a journey back to Ancient Greece. I have many academic/historical crushes that will never pan out and one of those happens to be on Socrates. Now, whether this individual actually existed... who knows, but his characterization and knowledge provide relevant points for the present. While not trying to overly generalize his philosophy, Socrates believed that the wisest man was one who could admit that he did not know anything.
How does this relate to my idea of empathy? Before I start to listen to another person, first I tell myself not to automatically associate his/her experience to something that occured in my life. Thinking that I immediately understand how this person feels because I experienced the same thing would instantly distract my state of mind and subconsciously cloud my interpretation. Ultimately, I tell myself that I know nothing about this experience. Though mirror neurons provide an amazing sense of connection between humans, can we really know how it feels to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes?
For instance, if you and I sit together on a park bench feeling sad, how could we possibly know that we essentially feel the same emotion. I might feel sadness as a gut wrenching tangle of emotions weighing heavily in my abdomen. On the other hand, you might feel sadness as a stranglehold on your throat that prevents words from exiting your mouth. To assume the feeling is mutual does a disservice to empathic understanding.
I believe to truly empathize with another, one must first recognize the subjectiveness of feeling. The affective domain delights in expressing ideas through the abstract. Once one understands this truth, then we really start to listen to another’s story. Caroline Myss discusses different archetypes that each individual associates. The intellectual archetype is genuinely interested in learning about others experiences without feeling the need to share personal similarities. Individuals who associate with this archetype are not just waiting for the other person to stop speaking so that they can start their story. They are genuinely curious (stole curious from Dee-Dee’s post). I would like to improve my ability to recognize that my feelings about the speaker’s words must remain neutral. It is a time and space where I must stay objective so the speaker can attempt to fully express his/her story. I want to truly realize my archetype as the intellectual.
On Empathy and Compassion:
“To "listen" another's soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another.” This is my current definition of empathy and I strive to achieve this with each person I interact with, be it friend, stranger, client, family, etc. I fail regularly though achieve it often too. It’s like hitting the sweet spot in baseball (I think. I don’t actually like baseball much =))
I recently read a great def of compassion in a post discussing client care: “Compassion is an attempt to understand the point of view of the other.” And this is different from empathy. In fact after reading this, I wondered if we should be doing “compassion circles” v “empathy circles!” My concern from the reading is that compassion appears to be needed to learn empathy. So empathy can be learned but what about compassion then? Is this a skill that is either innate or not? Could it be so binary? And if compassion is needed to learn empathy, where does that leave us with some folks? And ourselves? I’m wrestling with this.
One of my greatest heros is the Cheshire Cat. Being a cat person in the first place and a smart aleck, he’s always appealed to me in general. But his real superpower is curiosity. That really grabs me. I want to be childlike in my approach to all things; not childISH but curious like a child. As children we less often have prejudices and fears that get in the way of asking wonderful questions and listening with an open heart. Being mindful, curious, and open are important ingredients to this work for me. And these are skills I’m continually trying to improve through deep listening and “walking a mile in another’s moccasins” to paraphrase an old Chippewa saying I learned as a child.
Challenges: my own life chaos at present. I am learning just how much work it is to be poor- really poor. And am reminded that one cannot carve out each section of our lives; they are all interconnected. Add to this the confusion and struggle with a mental condition (PTSD; typically managed well until sudden recent events stoked the fires) plus the challenges with obtaining prescriptions each month for reasonable and never misused pain medications and it’s frankly a miracle I’m not a bigger mess per my wonderful MD and psychologist! However, developing this chronic pain condition has also made my compassion extend far beyond what I thought possible, exponentially greater as the years go by (my condition will never get better or be cured; in fact, it will get worse though is not technically “life threatening”).
i appreciate the mindfulness of awareness that quiets the mind and body to notice what we are experiencing in the moment, b/c we can't change what we are not aware of. I have used the term “steward” of ourselves and others. I find myself offering a quiet, clear, aware space with another. I need to improve the verbal feedback, listening empathically, and not filtering the conversation through myself, to give bigger.
Clear mindful intention without judgments
Full presence.
I’d like to work on when I am in conflict.. Tend to talk with people who agree with me..
Be able to sit with self empathy and people who don’t agree with me..
DENISE ERNST I actually see the skill of reflective listening, deep, meaningful reflective listening as a core component. The practice of reflective listening seems to help build the attitude and mindfulness needed to appreciate the other perspective. Of course, I recognize that this could be because I teach this way and I see through that lens. It is certainly not the only lens. I continue to exercise and deepen my capacity for reflecting.
( Put yourself aside for service.. Even self empathy is putting aside a false or manufactured self. To listen to true self. )
Skills connected to empathy to me (non exhaustive): resilience, curiosity, courage, trust, shared humanity, vulnerability, boundaries and kindness. And of course, the skill of reflective listening.
I want to get better at self-empathy/self-compassion.
I would like empathy to be my default, my go to place instead of negative judgement. Specially when I am upset or angry.
I need to improve staying fully present and minimise getting in my head looking for the best response.
I’m thinking that while skills are important, the biggest part of empathy might actually just be the willingness to take on someone else’s position and emotion - and that in general empathy is not a very “skillful” process. But some skills I do see as valuable are:
Empathising under less than ideal circumstances, like when someone isn’t cooperative with it
Taking care of yourself so that you can continue to empathise