Listening Across Canyons – Session 2
Bill Miller
The Skill of Reflective Listening
An alternative to silence or roadblocks
The sole purpose is to understand and reflect back the speaker’s own meaning and experience
Very different from conversation, dialogue, discussion or debate – more like a good interviewer
It is intended to help speakers keep on following and exploring their own inner experience
It is a sacrificial practice – suspending your own “stuff” in the service of understanding
It’s not about being clever or thinking ahead what to say next; you don’t really think ahead
It is simple but not easy
It is wonderful gift that you can offer to others once you become comfortable and skillful with it
The people you listen to will (without realizing it) teach you how to do it better, because:
Every time you offer a reflection you receive immediate feedback, which is how we learn best.
Empathic listening strengthens relationships
Forming a Reflection
A good reflection is a statement, not a question
This feels strange to you at first, because you know you’re making a guess and aren’t sure you’re right.
Two steps for turning a question into a reflection:
1. Erase the words that make it a question: Do you mean that you _____________
2. Inflect your voice down at the end of the sentence to make it a statement.
Why it’s better not to ask a question even though you want to. [Examples]
A question linguistically places a demand to answer.
A question causes the person to reconsider or defend rather than continuing.
No need for prefacing words: “What I hear you saying is that you . . .”
Usually just begin with “You . . .”
You are following the person’s own experience, not imposing your own.
Simple and Complex Reflections
A simple reflection stays close to what the person said.
Repeating all of part of what was said, or finding a synonym in your “dictionary”
A complex reflection makes a guess about what the person means, what hasn’t (yet) been said.
Can be “continuing the paragraph.” What might be the next sentence in the paragraph?
Remember that a reflection is a statement, not a question.
Experience Forming Reflections (Groups of 3 or 4; 10 minutes)
Speaker: Something you should know about me is that I am [somewhat mysterious adjective]
Listeners: Offer reflective listening statements. If it helps you can first think (silently) “Do you mean that you . . ?” but turn it into a statement.
And now the Speaker can and should say more than “yes” or “no.” Say more about what you mean.
Which, for the Listener, means you have to “stay on the horse” and reflect new material each time.
No questions. If a Listener asks a question, wait for the Listener to turn it into a reflection.
No other roadblocks (from Session 1)
Continue until it seems you have a good understanding of what the Speaker means.
Then rotate – the next person becomes the speaker.
Demonstration
How is Reflective Listening Different from Conversation?
In a conversation, discussion, dialogue, or debate people take turns offering their own perspectives. Pure reflective listening does none of that. The sole purpose is to understand the other person’s meaning and experience. Particularly when you are learning the skill of empathic listening you will probably think of many things that you would say or ask from your own experience, but the process here is to follow the other person’s meaning and experience and reflect it back. As you do, you will learn more than if you had been asking questions, and often much more quickly.
Once you have developed comfort and skill with reflective listening it can become part of ordinary conversations. You take time and listen well to make sure that you understand before jumping in with your own perspectives. Then, in normal conversation, you do take turns with self-revelation, and ideally (though not usually) the other person listens as well to you.
But to gain skill and comfort with this way of listening, it is important to practice only or primarily offering reflection instead of asking questions. Usually a question can be turned into a reflection. If you do ask a question, follow with at least two reflections as the person answers it.
Experience with Sustained Reflection (in pairs, 7 minutes each)
Speaker: Something that you feel two ways about and haven’t decided. You feel pulled in two different directions and haven’t made up your mind about it. It could be most anything: a choice or decision, a job, a religious or social issue, a politician, a relationship, a request, a risk, where you live, how you spend your time, upsizing or downsizing, a donation, or a possible purchase.
Listener: Ask what the person feels two ways about in order to set the topic, and then rely as much as you can on reflective listening. In the course of listening you may ask up to TWO questions, and no more. Often a question can be turned into a reflection. Don’t ask your two questions in a row! If you do ask a question, follow it up with at least two reflections.
If you finish this process before the 7-minute bell, just sit together silently. Don’t discuss it. Then when the bell sounds, switch roles.
Demonstration
Take-Home
This week practice reflective listening. You will have many opportunities. It might be just for a minute or two, or it could be longer. You don’t have to say what you’re doing; it’s probably better if you don’t announce it and become self-conscious.
Every time you offer a reflection you get immediate feedback about how accurate your reflection was. There may or may not be a direct “yes” or “no,” but in any event you learn more. This is how you get better at guessing over time.
Resist the temptation to ask questions. If you do ask a question, follow it up with at least two reflections as the person answers it. Make it goal to offer at least twice as many reflections as questions. And resist the temptation to practice other roadblocks. See what happens when you stick with reflective listening.
Next week: Reflective listening with political views