Dogs Break Into Treat Factory

We all know that dogs have been controlling humans for centuries. Puppy eyes, high whines, learning cute tricks–every dog owner will realize at some point that their dog is their master, not the other way around. But what if the dogs put their power to use? What if they start banding together for a shared desire? Introducing the Lathrop Dog Raid.

At 10:00, in Lathrop, California, at the Diamond Pet Food factory, all was quiet and still. The square, boxy building rose through the air, casting a shadow in the moonlight. A single guard watched the entrance to the factory, blissfully unaware of the thousands of pawsteps coming towards him. A crowd of dogs waited in the shadows, and out of them, towards the guard, stepped a single greyhound. The guard assumed it was a stray and attempted to shoo it away. Suddenly, it whined quietly and looked up at him with its all-powerful puppy eyes. 

In an interview, the guard, Timothy Williams, said, “It was almost irresistible. It looked at me and walked around the corner, still holding eye contact. I felt like it was important, so I followed. Any kind-hearted man would have done the same.” His manager, despite severe damage to the factory, considered this “fair” and decided to give him a second chance.

Once the wily greyhound had led the guard away from the entrance, a Kangal shepherd dog walked up to the door and gnawed at the plastic padlock until it gave way. One dog gave a bark of ecstasy, and then the crowd of canines rushed inside. Information on how the dogs did it is scarce, but the fact remains that they got to the center of the factory, where the grand prizes, dog treats, were being made. 

By now, several neighborhoods of people were aware of the dogs’ presence because the excited barking could be heard for several miles around. Katelyn Lizzik, a resident living a half mile from the factory, said, “It was like ten kennels full of dogs were all madly woofing at each other. I woke up and thought, ‘Did I imagine that? Or did a pack of dogs just get really chaotic?’”

By the time the sun rose, the dogs had all returned peacefully to their homes, bellies full of treats and hearts full of triumph. The Diamond Pet Food factory lost more than 80 percent of its inventory to the canine raid. “Keep your door closed and your ears perked at night. This is not the first time, and will not be the last…If this behavior continues, we’ll have to discontinue our entire treat line,” said a Diamond Pet Food spokesperson. “Just keep your dogs safe at home, and nobody loses their treat supply.” 

Dog owners have not been happy about these new developments due to the raid. “Even though I live near the factory, my dog didn’t even participate in the raid,” said one dog owner, Sam Martin. “I had cameras on him; he was home the whole time. These new paranoid rules are ridiculous…Besides, we all know that most of these dogs are innocent. Why do you think we call them good dogs?” 

Another owner, Lizzie Barlowe from Boulder, CO, said, “We are near refusing to comply in this household. How far do you think our dog can get in one night?! These laughably stupid regulations will keep our dog from going to the bathroom at night! Do you have any idea how much he needs to do that?!” At this point, she held up her chihuahua to the camera, cutting off the footage.

Another scary fact about these dog uprisings is that many of these canines seem to be preparing for more assaults across the world. The dogs have been waking up randomly at night and barking in specific patterns (according to dog owners, “bark whine yip yip bark”), supposedly to signal to each other. Also, even the most lazy dogs get up to exercise more often, sometimes running around the room in circles or charging down the hallway. Could they be training for another assault?

One thing’s for certain; the dogs are rising and may be impossible to stop. Dog scientists, or cynologists, have been observing dog behavior and deciding the best things to do to protect against them. Scientist Gretta Millson said, “We are extremely concerned after seeing the behaviors of these dogs. Everything’s out of line and irrational; we’re assuming they’re about to go for the attack. To protect against super-cute dogs, earplugs, blindfolds, and being angry all the time are key points. We’ll need everybody to try their best to help resist the tide of happy, barking canines.” 

Get ready, dog owners: it’ll be hard going from here on out. Double-lock your doors with metal, and remember: they aren’t cute puppies anymore. Competition for the dominant species is inevitable, and dogs are going on the attack.