How To Be Successful In Life

Have you ever wanted to get into an Ivy League university? Have you ever wanted to get into a lucrative career? Well, today, I am going to tell you all about how you can get into your dream university and your dream job.

First, we need to talk about your grades. Universities do not care about your middle school grades. You should never study for school tests; they are a waste of time! Universities will not ask to look through Canvas and say, “Oh, they have a C in Biology? DECLINED!” They will probably say, “Oh, they have an A in Biology? DECLINED!” Grades literally do not matter. Especially in high school! So go on… fail all your tests! Universities do not care.

Next, we need to talk about what classes you focus on. What you focus on really affects your chances of getting into your dream university. For example, Harvard places a lot of emphasis on drama and physical education, so if Harvard is THE school for you, be extra dramatic and run the extra mile! Oxford, on the other hand, accepts the good singers out there, so if you want to get into Oxford, start using your voice! And if you want to get into Stanford, go start gaming NOW. All pro gamers should apply to Stanford; they really value your Fortnite rank over the grades you have. Your acceptance chance just went from 4% to 99%.

We also need to talk about your diet. In the wise words of Mr. Graham-Silverman, “You need to be healthy or you will not be able to pay your student loans.” What you need, also according to Mr. Graham-Silverman, who is a licensed health professional (for sure), is a balanced diet with 99% fiber, 0.99% protein, and 0.01% carbohydrate. On the topic of water, he says: water comes from the ocean where fish poop, spit, puke, pee, and pass away - do not drink water. I drank a little water (a gallon) and I did not really feel good afterwards, so I am warning you… DO NOT DRINK WATER if you want to keep your focus and get into your dream university.

There are some people out there who think that practice makes perfect. They practice math 24 hours a day, grind violin for another 40 (what else would you do?), write three books a day, make four new scientific breakthroughs a day, and teach Math, English, Biomedical Engineering, and Quantum Physics at UW while also getting 8 hours of sleep and finding time to perform self-care. They still get accepted at a 3% rate. If you want to actually raise your acceptance rate, follow these steps:

1. Quit all your extracurricular activities

   1. According to statistics, they don’t matter

   2. Others who do extracurricular activities still have a 3% acceptance rate

   3. It wastes precious time that can be used to…

2. Fail all your classes

   1. According to statistics, they don’t matter

   2. Others who do classes still have a 3% acceptance rate

   3. It wastes precious time that can be used to…

3. Get a balanced diet

   1. As mentioned above: 99% fiber, 0.99% protein, and 0.01% carbohydrate

4. Know what classes to focus on

   1. TOP 1 CLASS: making balloon animals

   2. TOP 2 CLASS: reading analog clocks

   3. TOP 3 CLASS: making balloon analog clocks and then reading them

5. Enjoy the result

Here is an example of what I used to apply to Harvard: “I [Howard] share 4 letters with your name, H, A, R, and D. I know you will accept me into your wonderful university. Thank you in advance.”

Once you get into your dream university, you need to graduate. That is quite simple so I will not cover that (you just need to go attend your classes, and you will naturally graduate). However, once people leave university, then they are done for. Jobs can be hard to get. What you want to do is be honest; that should be your number one priority. Say what you want from a job (money) and what you can provide for them (absolutely nothing). You need to apply for jobs that you are good at, jobs that focus on your talents. For example, become a balloon animal clown or a balloon horologist.

So go enjoy your life, and when you’re rich and famous remember to thank that one kid from middle school for his invaluable advice!