Elon Musk Successfully Lands Spaceship On Jupiter, Projected To Crash In Lakeside Soccer Field

Last Friday, SpaceY’s manned spacecraft “Saturn Skipper” landed intact on the surface of Jupiter, a groundbreaking achievement for the 22-year-old aerospace company founded by Elon Musk. After an arduous journey of nineteen minutes, the ship splashed into the Specific Ocean, six hundred miles off the coast of West America. The passenger, US President Joe Biden, safely exited the lander and sighted a yacht cruising toward him on the horizon. By using an interdimensional portal generator, another one of Musk’s inventions, he was able to no-clip onto the deck of the yacht, which was crewed by a peculiar species of aliens called “Swifties.” Although it was impossible to communicate with them due to their indecipherable language, Biden reported that it was an exceptionally emotional dialogue. 

After spending four hours exploring the yacht, Biden returned to the craft and initiated the return navigation system. However, due to unexplained disturbances in the ship’s electrical system, a quantum rip destroyed the internal workings of Musk’s specially designed computer. Instead of touching down in North Korea as planned, the spaceship’s course is now directed towards our school’s soccer field. Upon impact, the “Saturn Skipper” will INSTANTLY OBLITERATE THE ENTIRE CAMPUS! We only have several hours to prepare, but don’t worry: we have everything under control! Heh heh.

As for the odd name of the spacecraft, seemingly contradicting its destination, even our most acute sleuthing proved futile in the search for a pretext. It is still unclear whether SpaceY meaningfully chose to name the ship after the wrong planet or if the company was unaware of the erroneous designation.