Paragraph Clinic

Okay, this is a fantastic activity for students to truly understand the mechanics of strong academic writing.

Here are three weak academic paragraphs, each followed by an explanation of its weaknesses and how a hypothetical revision would address them. These are designed for students to analyze and then rewrite.

Activity: Rewriting Weak Academic Paragraphs

Instructions: You will be provided with three poorly written academic paragraphs. Your task is to rewrite each paragraph, ensuring it has a clear and focused topic sentence and includes at least two pieces of relevant and specific supporting evidence. For each original and revised paragraph, explain the weaknesses you identified and how your revisions addressed them.

Weak Paragraph 1: Original

Global warming is a big problem. The weather has been really weird lately, like it's hotter than usual in summer and sometimes there are big storms. Animals are also having trouble because of it, and some places are getting messed up. It's just generally not good for the planet. People should do something about it.

• Explanation of Weaknesses:

  • Lack of Clear Topic Sentence: The first sentence, "Global warming is a big problem," is too general and doesn't present a specific argument or focus for the paragraph. It's more of a statement of fact than a thesis.

  • Insufficient and Vague Evidence: The paragraph uses general observations like "weather has been really weird" and "animals are also having trouble" without providing concrete examples, data, or specific impacts. There are no specific facts, statistics, or scientific details to support the claims.

  • Conversational Tone: Phrases like "really weird lately" and "getting messed up" are informal and not appropriate for academic writing.

  • Repetitive and Unfocused: The paragraph repeats the idea that global warming is "not good" without expanding on how or why.

• How Revisions Would Address Them:

  • The revision would start with a strong topic sentence that clearly states a specific argument about global warming's impacts or causes.

  • It would replace vague statements with at least two specific pieces of evidence, such as mentioning rising sea levels, increased frequency of extreme weather events (e.g., heatwaves, intense hurricanes), or specific examples of endangered species due to habitat loss.

  • The language would be elevated to a formal, academic tone, using precise vocabulary.

  • The paragraph would maintain a clear focus, developing the argument presented in the topic sentence with well-integrated evidence.

Weak Paragraph 2: Original

Social media is a big part of teenagers' lives these days. Everyone is always on their phones looking at TikTok or Instagram. It's how they talk to their friends and see what's happening. Sometimes it's good because you can connect with people, but sometimes it's bad because of drama or feeling left out. So, it's complicated, I guess.

• Explanation of Weaknesses:

  • Lack of Clear Topic Sentence: The opening sentence is a general observation rather than an arguable claim about social media's impact. It doesn't set a clear direction for the paragraph's argument.

  • Insufficient and Anecdotal Evidence: The paragraph relies on generalizations ("Everyone is always on their phones") and vague, unproven claims ("sometimes it's good... sometimes it's bad") without providing specific examples, research, or data to support either positive or negative effects.

  • Informal Language: Phrases like "big part," "always on their phones," "drama," and "I guess" are too casual for academic writing.

  • Lack of Focus/Argument: The paragraph attempts to cover both positive and negative aspects superficially without committing to a central argument or providing sufficient depth on either side.

• How Revisions Would Address Them:

  • The revision would begin with a focused topic sentence that takes a clear stance on social media's predominant impact (positive or negative) on teenagers, or a specific aspect of its influence.

  • It would include at least two specific pieces of evidence, such as referencing studies on social media's effect on mental health, examples of its use for activism, or specific instances of cyberbullying or misinformation.

  • The language would be formal and precise, avoiding slang or overly casual expressions.

  • The paragraph would develop a single, coherent argument, with all evidence directly supporting the topic sentence.

Weak Paragraph 3: Original

Exercise is good for you. When you move around, your body feels better. It helps you stay healthy and not get sick as much. Plus, it can make you feel happier, which is cool. So, yeah, everyone should try to exercise more.

• Explanation of Weaknesses:

  • Lack of Clear Topic Sentence: The opening "Exercise is good for you" is a universally accepted truth, not an arguable thesis. It lacks specificity and intellectual depth.

  • Insufficient and General Evidence: The supporting points ("your body feels better," "helps you stay healthy," "make you feel happier") are vague and common knowledge. They lack specific details, scientific explanations, or statistics that would provide concrete evidence.

  • Informal and Simplistic Language: Words like "good for you," "move around," "not get sick as much," and "which is cool" are too simplistic and informal for academic discourse.

  • Lack of Analytical Depth: The paragraph merely states benefits without explaining how or why exercise achieves these effects, or exploring a more nuanced argument about its importance.

• How Revisions Would Address Them:

  • The revision would feature a precise topic sentence that presents a specific, arguable claim about exercise's importance, perhaps focusing on its impact on cognitive function, academic performance, or long-term health.

  • It would incorporate at least two specific pieces of evidence, such as explaining the physiological effects of exercise on brain function (e.g., increased blood flow, neurotransmitter release), citing research on reduced risk of chronic diseases, or detailing its role in stress reduction.

  • The vocabulary would be more sophisticated and academic, using terms that reflect a deeper understanding of the topic.

  • The paragraph would provide analytical commentary that connects the evidence back to the refined topic sentence, demonstrating a more complex understanding of the subject.