DPS Poem (samples)
First Draft: After reading this student's first draft, I suggested that she stay with the metaphor she created in her first 2 lines: The walls, are closing in on me.
I recommended getting rid of everything else and just following the metaphor.
The walls,
are closing in on me.
As I scream and cry.
I would like to be heard
He doesn’t listen.
All I have ever wanted is to have a say
Making choices for myself is like a sin is his eyes.
Anything I do is wrong
It’s always been this way
I just never realized that he really doesn’t care
he gave me a chance, once to speak.
It was in that moment when he yelled
“what, what are you feeling!”
That I realized it was all,
but a question not at all.
Nothing I did would ever be enough
to impress him, unless it was exactly how he wanted.
He could not live through me any longer. I needed a way out.]
I feel as though now I am freed from my old misery.
Revised Poem: In this version of the poem, the student took my advice and explored the poetry within the metaphor of Neil being in a room where the walls are closing in on him. The result, was a great poem.
The walls,
are closing in on me.
As I scream and cry.
Screams fill the room
But the walls, they don’t listen
They just keep creeping in
Day in and day out I search these walls,
for an exit I will never find.
They inch closer and with that,
my heart races like a horse at the Kentucky Derby
After years of screaming, crying, and searching
I will give up.
Being trapped just does not suit me.
I am free now,
Free from the bitter thought of freedom.
I’ve escaped the walls
and now angels fly among me.