TM4T Stress Armoury 35 - Understanding difficult people

Stress arises from various causes. Some teachers cite 'admin'; some mention 'targets'; however others don't mess around with abstract constructs - they name names. Some of our stress, in other words, is related to specific adults, who are generously labelled 'difficult people' (you doubtless have your own, better, descriptors). These may be colleagues, parents (of studens), even our own family, but whoever they are, they're stressful.

Now, the good news is that this is not a teacher-only thing. Almost anyone can encounter unreasonable people in their lives... and there are fairly standard options to deal with it - 'deal with it' meaning that we don't let these 'challenging' people dictate our moods, ruin our days, or cause us unreasonable stress.

The principles of dealing with difficult people:

1. Differentiation

Teachers understand, of course, that every child is different... but don't always apply the same logic to adults. Instead, they strive for consistency; for fairness - it's as if some democratic principle was at stake, and we absolutely must treat everyone the same. This is admirable up to a point, but you need to be able to recognise and acknowledge that there are unreasonable, difficult adults to be dealt with in schools, and they need to be treated differently if you want to avoid stress. This doesn't involve special treatment in the sense of special favours: everyone should be dealt with in a way that achieves the best results for all parties. You need to identify difficult people, either at your first encounter; or even earlier, based on the advice of colleagues. Then you just need to figure out the best way to deal with different people. Details here.

What you need to do: Spot difficult people, deal with them differently

2. Mr Cool (or Ms Cool, obviously)

Every teacher knows the first rule in the face of a troublesome student is to maintain your composure. Unfortunately, we sometimes forget this advice when we are dealing with an adult. It is still important: the less you rely on emotion, the more you can use your judgment to handle a situation.

Easy to say I know, but the key is practice and routine: when you start to feel angry or upset - before you express a thought you might later regret - take a deep breath and (just like mum told you) count slowly to ten, with a smile if the circumstances permit. Use the counting time to figure out a way of communicating which reduces, instead of escalating, the problem. If you are still fuming when you reach ten, then look for a way to delay the encounter until you are in a calmer mood.

What you need to do: just be cool, dude.

3. Rise above it

The first time that Mr Grimface corners you and outlines his views on young people today, you were caught by surprise and maybe didn't handle it well... but now you know about Mr Grimface, just like all your colleagues seem to know about Mr Grimface and his views. The fact is that some people in our lives are simply not worth arguing with. Your time is valuable, so unless there’s something important at stake, and some productive end in sight, don’t waste your precious time by trying to change or convince a person who’s negatively entrenched. Whether you’re dealing with a difficult parent or an annoying governor, be diplomatic, avoid debate and seek brevity. Where possible, of course, just avoid them.

What you need to do: don't run away, but take practical steps to avoid unnecessary engagement with difficult people, and be prepared to tolerate or ignore simple nonsense when it is spouted.

4. Avoid personalization

The word 'personalization' means that we interpret things personally; in particular, when we assume someone else's actions are aimed at us in some way.

If you can avoid personalizing other people's behaviours, you are more likely to gauge their intentions more objectively - and more accurately. People rarely do what they do because of us, though it is tempting to think otherwise. Widening our perspective on a situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.

One way to reduce personalization is to put ourselves in the difficult person's shoes briefly. Consider the person and the situation,and mentally finish the sentence: “It can't be easy….”

'My boss is being demanding, expecting more and more effort... It can't be easy to have such high expectations placed on her department's performance by management…'

'Kylie's mum becomes emotional at the slightest criticism of her daughter... It can't be easy to bring up a girl on your own, without any family support and without great parenting skills'.

Of course, empathetic statements don't excuse unacceptable behavior. The point is to remind yourself that people generally behave the way they do because of their own issues - it really isn't about you. As long as we’re being reasonable and considerate, difficult behaviors from others say a lot more about them than they do about us. By de-personalizing, we can view the situation more objectively, and come up with better ways of solving the problem.

What you need to do: just don't take it personally. Mostly, it isn't about you.

5. Look for options and solutions

When you feel hurt or frustrated by what someone says or does, spend a little time interpreting the situation in different ways before responding to it. For example, I might feel that my head of department is ignoring my e-mail messages, but I pause and consider that she may be too busy to look at her e-mails; or perhaps she is considering how to reply, or perhaps...

When you have understood a range of possible-to-likely options, you can decide what to do: frequently this will involve seeking more information rather than responding immediately.

What you need to do: routinely practice practical problem-solving

6. Pick your battles (based on self-interest)

There are times when it's OK to be selfish. Not all difficult individuals we face require direct confrontation about their behaviour, and not all situations demand a clear unequivocal outcome. There are some scenarios where it is best just not to get involved. When someone has temporary context-specific power over you, it is best to avoid conflict. This is simply logical self-interest: don't have an argument with the photo-copier repairman till he's fixed the copier.

This may also apply over a longer timescale. Sometimes, by tolerating difficult behaviour, you derive benefit. Frequently, even the most difficult people have positive qualities as well, and you have the power to choose if the individual - and the situation - are serious enough to confront. Think twice, and fight the battles that are worth winning.

What you need to do: choose carefully who to have arguments with, and where, and win (sic).

7. Separate the person from the issue

In every communication you have, there are two important elements present: the relationship you have with the other person, and the issue you are discussing. It is key to conflict management that you keep these elements separate in your mind; you should be gentle on the person and tough on the issue. You should also make the first clear (gentle on the person) at the same time as you express the second (tough on the issue).

'I want to sort this out too, but I can’t do that when you’re yelling at me. Let’s either sit down and talk more quietly, or discuss it this afternoon when things are calmer'.

'I'd really like you at the meeting... but it you're late - like last time - we'll have to start without you'.

'I appreciate the effort you've made here, and I like the lesson plans; having said that, there are only three lessons here, and we need five. Let's talk about how we can fix this'.

When we go easy on people, they are invariably more open to what we have to say. When we’re tough on the issue, we show that we aren't weak.

What you need to do: be strong and nice

8. Turn the spotlight round

Difficult people are all different, but one common behaviour pattern (particularly with aggressive personalities) is to focus attention on you to make you feel uncomfortable. They will be quick to point out what is wrong with the way you do things. The focus is always on what’s-wrong-with-you, instead of how-to-fix-things.

This type of behaviour is usually intended to establish dominance and control, rather than to genuinely address problems. It is easy to respond to aggression by being defensive, but this simply legitimizes the scrutiny. One simple and powerful way to deflect this is to turn the spotlight back on the difficult person, by asking questions - specific questions. This is easiest to explain by examples:

Difficult person: 'Your course proposals aren't anything like what I asked you to provide'

You: 'Have you really thought through the implications of changing the course too radically?'

Not: 'I tried really hard to do what you wanted'.

Difficult person: 'You teachers are so stupid.'

You: 'If you are going to be rude, this conversation will end immediately. Is that really what you want? Let me know and I will decide if I want to continue or not'

Not: 'I'm not stupid. I just didn't understand what you wanted'

You questions need to be explicit, constructive and focused either on the problem itself or on the difficult person. This ensures that the relationship does not become one-sided and makes it more likely that the problem - not you - receives attention.

What you need to do: be prepared to question bullies.

9. Recognise emotions and lead where possible

Most communication has an emotional dimension and with difficult people the emotions are invariably negative. You smile at Mr Grouse the governor, and he purses his lips and scowls... This is another attempt to establish dominance, to dictate the emotional climate and control, control, control. This is what difficult people frequently like.

Wherever possible - this obviously doesn't work at funerals - try to counter this by positive, open body language. Smile sensibly - don't grin or leer. Consciously relax your shoulders. Make an effort to moderate your tone and volume of speech. Make eye contact.

What you need to do: smile

10. Be prepared to lead

In most formal - as opposed to social - communication, when two people are communicating, one is usually doing more leading, while the other is doing more following. In a balanced communication, the two people would take turns leading and following. However, most difficult people like to take the lead continuously, set a negative tone consistently, and focus obsessively on 'what’s wrong' or their own narrow proposals.

You need to learn to interrupt this behavior simply by changing the topic. This is best done by questioning to redirect the subject, or simply by a 'by the way…'.

What you need to do: lead as well as follow

11. Identify and deal with bullies

Firstly: be safe. If you consider that your particular bully offers physical risks, seek advice and help, and make sure the bullying threat is removed.

Non-physical bulling is much more common, and the key thing to keep in mind about bullies is that they pick on those whom they perceive as weak. If you remain passive and compliant, you automatically make yourself their target.

Many non-physical bullies are also cowards. When their victims show resistance and act assertively, the bully will often back down. You may have seen it in the classroom; it is true in the staffroom too.

Of course, many bullies have been victims of bullying themselves. This does not excuse the behaviour, but may help you consider the person in a more objective light.

So: think things through calmly, and decide if you are being bullied. Then resolve to do something about it. Choose where and when it is best to do so: either handling things on your own, having other people present to witness and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully’s inappropriate behavior. If appropriate - if there is physical, verbal, or emotional abuse - take advice from union, management or other professionals on the matter. It’s in everyone's interests that you stand up to bullies, and you don’t have to do it alone.

What you need to do: be assertive. Always.