TM4T Using Your System 3.3.4 - Getting on in the Staffroom

The staffroom is not a university common room; the department office is not your study. Some people want to work, others want to chat. Understand the rules and observe how others behave.

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If you really want to annoy and alienate other members of staff, here’s some tips:

• hog the staffroom telephone at break and lunchtime. Long, loud and trivial calls are best;

• practice sloppy message taking. Never note the date & time if you write down a phone message, and under no circumstances end the call by confirming what action is required: for example, never say “I’ll tell Mrs Jones to expect your call” or “I’ll ask Mrs Jones to phone you tomorrow”. Obviously, you should omit and forget at least one of: the name, the context or the return contact details for every call;

• occupy all horizontal space (desk, windowsill, chair-seat) with your clothes and other belongings;

• avoid ever making anyone a cup of coffee or tea. Never wash your own cup. Always leave crumbs and other food-waste for others to tidy up;

• never report that the staffroom equipment (photocopier, phone, printer or PC) is broken or out of paper or jammed. Let someone else sort it out;

• grumble; all the time. Ideally, the length of the grumble should be inversely proportional to the listener's interest and empathy;

• borrow, borrow, borrow and ignore the concept of personal space: explore your colleagues locker if you need paper-clips or a pen, look in their briefcase for a hole-punch or stapler, take a couple of pages of A4 from their planner when needed, use milk and sugar belonging to a colleague who you don’t know, take a clean, personalised coffee mug (The World’s Best Grandma is good) from someone’s desk and leave it dirty in the sink.

That should do it.

Oops, I forgot something really important: don't forget to talk about people in a negative way behind their backs.

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