TM4T Stress Armoury 13 - Avoiding people-pleasing

Now, there are no statistics whatsoever to support this TM4T theory, so feel free to disregard it if it doesn't fit with your experience, but... we believe that stress seems to affect nice people more. If you are a nice person, and we're sure that you are really, then you may need to develop strong assertiveness skills to work effectively in most schools.

The classic problem with being nice is 'saying yes' too easily. For some teachers, saying 'no' feels as uncomfortable as rejecting a sick sibling. The consequence of saying 'yes' too readily, though, is being overworked, overstressed, and ineffective.

We use the phrase 'people-pleaser' to describe teachers who behave like this: ensuring the well-being of others, even though their own well-being suffers.

Responding to the needs of others, of course, is a crucial part of normal social behaviour, and a prerequisite for being a good teacher. People-pleasers, however, are so focused on others' needs - and to be brutally frank, on others' approval - that they set their own wants and needs aside, even if these are objectively more important. People-pleasers find it almost impossible to say 'no' even when saying 'yes' is not in their best interests, or in the best interests of their students.

If you suspect that this describes you, you first of all need to consider why and how you became that way. Frequently, people-pleasers seem to lack the in-built value-meter that most of us use to gauge the worth and importance of their own actions. They rely far too much on the approval and validation of others. This may have started in early childhood: directive parents who do not allow children to think independently may encourage a dangerous belief: the best way to feel valued is to comply with others' demands and seek their approval. This pattern may of course be reinforced in formal education, as you are encouraged to conform, to comply and to compete based on how much you can do.

Once you have established this behaviour pattern, of course, it is self-validating and self-reinforcing. The behaviours are encouraged and rewarded by your parents, your university lecturers, your boss, your co-workers and your friends - all of whom benefit from your co-operative disposition and can-do attitude. Need help? No problem. The more you act like a doormat, the more praise you get.

The danger is, though, that you spend so much time and energy doing others work, that you lose direction and forget your own goals in life. People-pleasers sometimes describe a feeling of disorientation, of being out of control, before they suffer from burnout.

What you need to do

1.  The key is moderation. You need to establish that idea clearly in your mind. You are going to stay a nice person. You are just going to avoid being over-nice.

2.  You have to be absolutely clear in your mind about your own needs. This means you should think about how important your needs are, and understand why you need to assert those needs more. In this context, 'think about' and 'understand' mean 'write down'.

3.  You need to rehearse. Your script will vary depending on your circumstances, but you need some auto-responses - for example: 'I'll try and help later in the week, but I need to meet my own deadlines first' or 'If it's urgent, why not ask the Head if there's anyone available to help?'

4.    Keep a 'Yes' diary: write down every time you say 'yes' when, with hindsight, you should have said 'no'. Figure out what situations trigger your people-pleasing behaviour. Often these involve an illogical fear of being judged, behaving as though other have authority and control over you.

5.  Think about why you do things. If you are doing someone a favour because you genuinely like them, value what they are trying to achieve, and honestly want to help: do it. If you have less positive reasons: fear of losing someone's respect, or worry about looking unhelpful, then (a) try and work out where this behaviour started (maybe in your childhood) and (b) use your logic to counter these fears and worries.

6.  Role play. Obviously, this works better with a co-operative friend to play the part of a persistent parent, or demanding department head; but just rehearsing what you are going to say by yourself - out loud - can help you to desensitize yourself (ie get used to the sound of 'No').

7.  Set yourself sensible targets. Start small. Use your yes-diary to anticipate regular encounters: Tuesday afternoon? I'll bet Marcia asks me to do her Yard Duty... Then prepare a polite 'No'.

8. Get into the habit of saying neither 'no' nor 'yes'. Always ask for time to consider: 'I need to check my Weekly Plan - I'll let you know this afternoon'.

9. Do a little balance sheet of your friends and colleagues: some of them will repay any kindness routinely, with others, it will be give, give, give. Be prepared to treat people differently and nurture valuable relationships.