Breaking the Cycle of Self-Criticism
1. Identify and recognize your self-sabotaging behaviour
In order to stop self-sabotage, you first need to recognize your own self-sabotaging behaviour - your inner critic. Ask yourself questions like the ones below. Of course there will be some instances where the answers relate to some other cause than self-sabotage, but whatever the cause is, you need to address it.
• Have you had any personal/professional goals for a long time but never been able to accomplish them?
• Are there things that you consistently fail at, for no logical reason?
• Are there particular areas in your life where you find yourself procrastinating or delaying decisions?
• Are there things that you want to do, but at the same time don't want to do? Or things that you don't know whether you want to do them or not? Or things that you feel you should want to do, but seem to lack the motivation to do?
• Do you find yourself unreasonably angry or frustrated about goals and priorities?
• Is there an area where other people (and in particular, your boss) regularly get frustrated with your progress and achievement and decision-making?
• Is there something in your life that nags at you and causes you dissatisfaction because you know you could do it, or do it better?
2. Stalk your critic
Write down your negative thoughts, however wacky or unrealistic they may be; however painfully true; jot them down quickly this in-the-moment, as a stream of consciousness.
3. Battering with Logic
Think about what you say to yourself when you engage in this behaviour; think about why; consider if there is any logical basis for these thoughts; think about what might trigger these thoughts.
There may be some previous incident; some painful unsuccessful effort, some hurtful criticism which underpins your self-doubt.
Think logically about whether any of your negative thoughts have a rational basis; whether your previous experience has any influence on your future success. Argue out the inner critic and defeat the false rationales.
4. Help yourself
You need to substitute the inner critic with an inner coach who offers a self- supporting dialogue. You know yourself, so you know what words you find positive and encouraging; teach yourself to think them.
You need to work actively on your longer-term goals. You need to look at options; alternative ways of achieving them, different to ways which have failed in the past. You need to seek shorter-term, smaller targets, which move you towards your longer-term goals.