Medical emergency made me think about the 'what-ifs'

Posted Jan. 18, 2023

By Kim Phan

Opinions Editor

In that split second, as the doctors and nurses whirred around, exchanging medical verbatim quickly—which I was clueless about—trying their hardest to save my mother, I began to ponder about “what-ifs.” What if we hadn’t gotten to the hospital in time? What if I had just brushed it off? What if the very next night, I would be faced with something that changed my life for the worst? But what is really the point of thinking of what-ifs when reality has already been set in stone? When life throws what trials it has in store for you, you must hold in your tears and deal with them.

They say we are afraid of things we cannot control. This one incident was beyond my control, and it certainly did not feel like it was anyone's goal. In some ways, that experience was more than frightening; it was a wake-up call. Did I do my best job as a daughter? Did I notice the warning signs? Why hadn’t I cared more? Behind it all, I could only admit there was underlying guilt. 

As soon as my mother became ill, I felt trapped in a horror film, as if my face was frozen in terror as the murderer approached. Yet, there was nothing I could do except stand there and take it. I imagine that must’ve been how my mom was feeling. She was suffering from an illness that was rather visceral and quite literally unexplainable.

In the course of a single night, I was thrust into the role of caring for someone who had done so for me my entire life. I never imagined I'd be in this situation where I had concerns other than academics and typical adolescent issues. Perhaps that was a narrow-minded and ignorant viewpoint, but something like this happening was unthinkable. If my life were a coming-of-age teen movie, this would be one of the key moments that defined what changed my life. Although painful and stressful, it has the potential to be a learning experience for me. Rather than becoming angry at the universe for forcing me into these difficult times and responsibilities, I can see it as an opportunity to mature into the best version of myself.