Embedded Files
0:06
Hi guys, I am in my studio right now at home.
0:16
Because I actually couldn't, like I couldn't fall asleep.
0:23
I don't know, I guess there's kind of been a lot on my mind.
0:29
Yes, we did not long ago—
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Yeah, we went to Jennie sunbaenim's afterparty today.
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It was actually such an amazing experience.
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Like, she is such a sweet unnie, and...
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Rosé sunbaenim was also there. Rosé sunbaenim, and she's so down to earth.
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She's great. Anyway, we got, we got to have like a really fun time.
1:05
We got to do some dancing, which was very interesting.
1:10
Um It was.. it was, yeah.
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Definitely a night to remember. 🙌
1:26
Okay, so basically, I just.. I don't know, I just wanted to talk to you guys.
1:33
Because I feel, like I felt like there was so much
1:39
stuff piled, like words, like.. things that I wanted to say piled up inside of me, and
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I, I don't know, I just like didn't really have a way to express it properly,
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and to let you guys know. And turning on, like,
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Insta and being able to talk to you like this is kind of like... the only really way that was possible right now.
2:10
It still feels kind of weird talking to you guys at this time of night, because
2:17
I should be well asleep. It's, it's like five in the morning Yeah, it's almost five in the morning.
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But um
2:31
Thank you Okay,
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I actually jotted some stuff down that I wanted to say, because...
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as some Bunnies may know, it takes, like, kind of, it takes some time for me to properly process
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what I want to say before they are put into words. And... well,
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I don't know, you can think of it like as an extra thick filter that my words have to pass through
3:06
before they are actually being said. And there is a reason for this.
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I'll get to that later. But um,
3:18
basically, I made a promise with myself recently.
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I made a promise with myself to break free
3:30
from a kind of... shell that I built around myself.
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That's the, like, most, I don't know, I don't know how else I can explain it. But yeah,
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I want to break free from this kind of wall, shell that I built around myself.
3:51
And I think this was, like, built
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in the time of when I was when I started off as a trainee
4:02
And then, um, from the time before I met CEO Min Heejin
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And.. um.. Okay, if I just, like, tell you everything,
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If I go into detail. Okay I'm gonna go into detail, because, You know, this is something that's important to me and is important for...
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Us. In a way.
4:32
No, this isn't sad! Well, it.. it's not sad. You don't have to think of it as sad. It's actually something really good.
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It's something really positive. But there's, like a, a story behind it, because
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You know, there always has to be a hard time for some breakthrough to happen.
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At least, that's what I.. I feel.
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And I believe. So um.. Okay, so
5:05
Back when I was a trainee, I was kind of.. like ignorant of how I felt in a way.
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So, there were times... where like deep down, I knew something was wrong.
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But then like, I forced myself to believe that that was normal.
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And, like, you know, everything that's happening is very much normal,
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in a way. And I remember being so cautious of like all the rules.
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I remember being so cautious not to break all these rules that you had as a trainee.
5:42
And um And then I realized, like, looking back now, that a lot of these rules…
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Please— Please don't crash on me, live.
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Please don't do this because I don't want this to, like, be lagging or anything.
6:00
'Will you be my—' No— Okay, okay
6:05
Yes, reconnecting with my feelings. Okay. Um, anyway. Yeah, so
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There were all these rules and then I realized afterwards that like a lot of these rules didn't have much meaning.
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And, for example, and these are just, like, little things.
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You had to leave like a message before you were able to go to the toilet.
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And this was even in free time. And, You were constantly being watched over
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when you were in the practice room. So you didn't have much freedom at all.
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I also actually remember, this is kind of weird, but I remember having to take pictures of what I ate
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before I was actually able to consume it. And I had to send them pictures to our manager.
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And she would have to check it. Anyway, there were lots of, like, little things.
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And we… The reason that we had to follow all these rules…
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This is how I felt. The reason that we had to follow all these rules was because otherwise we felt like we weren't going to be able…
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To fulfill our… We weren't going to be able to debut. We felt that they were just going to cut us if we weren't..
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If we didn't obey all these rules. And even now, sometimes, I think I haven't, like,
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gotten past that mindset in a way. So, yeah.
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It may not be for the other members, but it is for my case.
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And this of course very much changed when I met CEO Min Heejin
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I remember her being, like, also extremely shocked when she heard about our life as a trainee.
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I remember thinking, like, Why would they use this kind of system
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when in fact it deprives us of creativity?
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And I'm not sure. Like, it could be just because it's been passed down through the industry.
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Like, that could be the reason. And it also could be just because they…
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The people in control at that stage...
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Just want... Wanted it to be easier to take control.
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So, yeah. Anyway 𝐒𝐮𝐛𝐛𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐓𝐢𝐤𝐤𝐢𝐓𝐨𝐤𝐤𝐢 𝐬𝐮𝐛 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐦. @𝐭𝐢𝐤𝐤𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐤𝐤𝐢𝟐𝟐 𝐨𝐧 𝐓𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐛𝐞.
9:02
So through, like, having many… And when I say many, I mean many.
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I… I had many, many, many deep conversations with my mum.
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Was it… Only after, yeah, having all these deep conversations with my mum,
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was I able to realise the situation and understand what this time—
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What that time actually— How much of an effect it had on me, really.
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..Yeah.
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Sorry I'm just trying to…
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Okay, I don't, I wasn't actually, like I— Like I wrote a lot of stuff down that, like,
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I was feeling because I was just, I just couldn't get to sleep. I don't know what, like,
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I just couldn't get to sleep. So I started just, like, writing down how I felt and what I was going through and then I never thought I was going to say all this.
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I— I.. Like I didn't. I didn't think that I was going to
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be talking to you guys like this about my past, because
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it actually, it takes a lot of courage for me to you know...
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Really go into detail about that time. So, yeah.
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Actually, it was after a recent interview with members that— I'm not quite sure when this interview is going to be released. It's...
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I don't know, I don't want to give any spoilers, but it, it probably will be released after the ComplexCon.
10:55
But it was kind of like a an important interview that we did.
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Um, and this was all the members together. But anyway, yeah.
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After that interview is when I talked to my mum about how I noticed myself becoming very emotional
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talking about my past experiences. And it was to the point,
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like, where I couldn't properly say what I wanted to say in the first place.
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And I just ended up just like.. not being.. like words not coming to mind.
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And I guess it was because, like, I felt so.. challenged, in a way and strange for me to be sharing my own feelings in such depth.
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Because those emotions, for me,
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were like bottled up for a long time. They were just compressed inside of me
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for a very, very long time. And this interview was in front of cameras, too.
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So, I was, like, you know, like, !!!
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on the inside and then trying to be like keep it calm on the outside.
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It very much didn't work. Like, I, although I tried very hard,
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I ended up, you know like, getting all teary and like my throat all getting all tight, but
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I tried. I tried my hardest. But, yeah. It was because of that time, definitely,
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that time as a trainee, that I spent such in, like, that time that I spent in such a confined environment
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That I slowly grew ignorant of my emotions.
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Basically. Yeah. So.. And this may not be—
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it may not have been in like, a very direct way.
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But what I felt my surroundings and my lifestyle was subconsciously telling me was,
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No, you can't express yourself. No, this isn't what "they" want.
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And if you were to do this, you may not be able to debut.
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And it felt like my identity was constantly being violated.
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And... I don't know how I.. like.. I don't know how I went through that at that time.
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It just, like, looking back now, I could never go through that again.
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Because now I know how much that changed me.
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Yeah. And We were very, very lucky We were so, so lucky.
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Because we We got to meet CEO Min Heejin
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Who was there to help us, like, kind of break through that barrier. At least in a very creative way, so
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She was able to, like, yeah, bring back that creative side of us.
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Bring back that side of us that wants to do music. That wants to really, you know,
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build a relationship with music. Like even at school, I remember I was a perfectionist.
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I was a perfectionist, But I never had like these boundaries that...
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Like, these boundaries of how I should portray myself. And never did I have a voice in my head telling me,
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"No, you can't say this. No, you can't do that" Never.
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So, for someone whose passion is music,
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and for someone who needs to be open and free to build a relationship with music...
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I guess I just needed that side of me back.
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And, like um,
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I don't know...
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I don't know, like There are trainees
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nowadays starting at even a younger age.
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And.. I feel like.. I'm definitely not saying that
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all the trainees would be in this kind of situation. I'm just saying there could be trainees that,
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like me, are constantly being held in a position
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where they are non-stop being compared and non-stop being ranked.
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And that, that's heartbreaking. And that worries me.
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And I mean, like, just because those children, like, have…
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What I want to say is just because those trainees, those children, have a dream to one day, like,
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perform on stage and to be a performer, they shouldn't be treated like...
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like dolls. They shouldn't be treated like dolls. That's, that's what I wanted to say, basically.
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Yeah I don't know
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This is very weird for me to be expressing myself like this, but…
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I just don't think trainees or artists
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should be experiencing even a remotely similar situation to what I went through at that stage.
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Because it's, as I said, it's so heartbreaking. Because what if they don't have the...
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the voice to speak out? Or what if they don't have the support that they need
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and they deserve as a performer?
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..Yeah. So For me, I guess,
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Although it will take, It may take a lot of time It may take my whole life
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Regaining that side of me
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I think I'm strong enough now to start trying.
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And a lot of that strength came from you guys.
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So
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Thank you so much. Thank you so, so much. Sincerely.
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Actually, lastly, I have one… Oh my gosh. My computer just like… See I'm using my computer as
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like lighting right now because everyone's sleeping and I don't want to turn any lights on, but
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Okay, what I want to say lastly, on behalf of those trainees and young artists out there
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that might not have the voice to speak out…
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Please, People should be treated as people.
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And… Every individual deserves respect and dignity.
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Every individual deserves respect and dignity. Having...
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For me, having experienced this firsthand, I know how hard it is to take courage and to speak out.
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So I guess that's kind of why I reached out to you guys.
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And had.. I don't know, I didn't know I was going to have it, but have this kind of talk with you guys
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Have this, you know, sharing time with you guys. Because, you know...
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Yeah, I— You guys are my family. And as I reached out after realization
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that after I reached out to my family— —to my close, actual family—
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and to myself...
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was I able to really take it all in and, you know,
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be able to say, "Oh yeah, I want to change that."
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"For myself. Now." And I want to find back
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that free-spirited, I-don't-give-a-damn
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Dazzi that I once lost.
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Because she's pretty awesome. She's pretty damn awesome. And, she.. she's really free spirited.
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And she, yeah. Exactly! Period.
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Thank you. Yeah, so that's why I'm reaching out to you guys.
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Because... You guys are like my family, and
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You deserve... I don't deserve
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you guys. You guys are just too amazing. And,
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But, still I, I just wanted to share it with you guys, because
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You guys deserve to know what I'm feeling, because
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like, to share— to constantly be sharing like this I think it's very important in a good relationship.
22:18
Yeah I am very excited about our future.
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I am very excited about NJZ's future. And I'm very excited about my future. And what is to come.
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And I literally just can't wait to get back into music.
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And just... Get back on stage and be performing there with you guys.
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As a family. That sounds very weird. Like, You guys are my family in a very special and unique way.
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So... That's why I just like
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keep saying that you're family. 'Cause that's just how I feel.
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I don't know. I guess, I guess I kind of said everything that I wanted to
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you know, say. But...
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I hope, I hope... Like, um
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Like, this talk with you guys Can be my very first
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tiny step to fulfilling my goal.
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👍👍 I've been so just like, I haven't been—
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'Cause— You know how I normally just like read comments and talk to you guys But I've just been like going off myself
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Talking about what I wanted to say that I haven't been able to really,
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like, you know.. Answer some of the comments or the questions. You guys have anything to say?
24:14
If you, if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I— I am willing to...
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I am willing... to spend.. the whole.. like.. I.. I could,
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If I.. if I could. But.. I do have a schedule tomorrow,
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so I do have to sleep. But I.. if I didn't, then I'm willing to just not sleep and like spend
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all night with you guys. Pull an all-nighter.
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I want to one day do that. Let's do that one day. Let's just like pull an all-nighter together
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and just talk about random stuff.
25:07
Yeah. So Aww, thank you.
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Thank you. It's.. It means a lot that you guys really..
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Like.. understood and took in what I said.
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Because as I said many times before, it does take a lot of courage to be able
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to.. yeah. speak out about this.
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Having it being such like a.. something so bottled up inside.
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So.. thank you so much. Did I— Did I enjoy the Ruby concert?
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Did I?! I... was blown away.
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Enjoy doesn't even start to express how amazing it was. I actually really, really enjoyed—
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I don't know, I— It may just have been the music, but the after-party was just like…
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The vibe was crazy. And there were some pretty
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cool dancers there. Yeah, 🎶
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And um And so, Me and Hanni-unnie, being.. the party animals that we are,
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There was like a cypher There was like a dance cypher in the middle of
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like the… Like the… Place, it was like a cypher of a place.
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And DJ kept on playing the music. Like this…
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Me and Hanni unnie were a bit excited. We were like, Okay.
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This is our chance. This is our chance to show us… Show some freestyles.
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Show some freestyle dancing. And so, We got in there. And we started, you know, doing our dance.
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And then, They were just like…
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Like having the lights all flashing.
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They were… Yeah. There were a lot of party freaks.
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I love that vibe though. It's very fresh. Because I never got to experience like that ever.
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Obviously because, I... was probably too young to, but…
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Yeah. They're all so sweet. There were so many sweet
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adorable people there. And I hope…
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I do— we did take a lot of like videos and pictures
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of the— at the after party. But... I don't know. Because it's not just me in the pictures.
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I don't know. I'll… Like, I need permission to be able… I always want, like,
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everyone's permission before I can, like, post or, um, show you guys something.
28:53
𝐒𝐮𝐛𝐛𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐓𝐢𝐤𝐤𝐢𝐓𝐨𝐤𝐤𝐢 𝐬𝐮𝐛 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐦. @𝐭𝐢𝐤𝐤𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐤𝐤𝐢𝟐𝟐 𝐨𝐧 𝐓𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐛𝐞. It's just so…
29:00
Post it? No. I… I told you. I need permission. I need permission before.
29:14
Oh thanks. Thanks for understanding. Thanks for understanding, boo.
29:19
Thank you.
29:37
Oh my gosh, my favorite song! Jennie Ruby's album.
29:45
Seoul City. Hands down. Both hands down.
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It is such a fire song. And I asked— and I told her that me and Hanni really like the song 'Seoul City'
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It's like my favorite song. And then she's like, "Everyone was like, that song..."
30:04
"We weren't—" Like... It's not... big. Like, it's not as big as the other songs.
30:11
So they were thinking of just like, Not— like, they were contemplating about it, but..
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If that song wasn't in the album, I feel like it
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it just like wraps the album up so nicely. So I'm like, "No, you made the right decision."
30:33
She's like, "I know, I love that song." And that was like, that was like such a fire song to me.
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And I don't, so...
30:45
definitely Seoul City.
31:01
Hola! I get that a lot.
31:08
I get, like, comments saying, "Can you say hola?" Hola!
31:15
Oh my gosh. As I said earlier, Rose is such a sweetie. She...
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Rose is really.. She was like a big sister to us.
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She told us so many good things. She, she spoke a lot of words of wisdom.
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And yeah, she's very down to earth.
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But I really, really don't want to go.
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I better get, like, at least two hours of sleep before...
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before my schedule tomorrow, so.. I've just been, I've just been up just like
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talking with mum. And this was before I turned on the live.
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Just talking with mum and just like thinking.
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And then
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thinking some more.
32:45
Yeah. So I, if I can, I should get some sleep.
32:54
It was lovely talking to you guys though. And no,
33:04
I can give no spoilers.
33:16
I will speak to you guys soon though. And hopefully we can do another group call. Because that was way too short.
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I would, like, I, I, we were talking. And then it just felt like we said hello and then goodbye.
33:28
Which was so, it was too short for me. Anyway.
33:33
So I'll talk to you soon. And you guys get some rest and get some sleep too.
33:41
Very (x4) important.
33:47
'No. Don't go.' But I have to.
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I gotta go now. Like, really. I gotta go now. You too. Sleep well.
34:01
Love ya. Bye.
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